You may have had friends who say that they fell in love a couple of weeks after meeting someone, but other people can be together for months and months and still not be sure. While there’s no one-size-fits-all algorithm for how long it takes to fall in love with a new partner, experts say there are a few common factors that influence the pace of how long it takes to love someone.
When you have a new datefriend and it feels like you’re not falling at the same speed, it can make you question whether the relationship is right. The reality is that there’s so much that goes into falling in love with someone that has nothing to do with them, personally. (“It’s not you, it’s me” isn’t always a lie.) Your upbringing, your mental health, your values — all of these things can affect your ability to fall in love. And often, says relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, L.C.S.W., a slow burn often indicates a brighter future.
"There’s no one answer or time frame, but I generally find that when people say they are in love after four weeks or even after eight weeks, they are talking about lust! We can have lust and passion at first sight, but it takes longer than that to really get to know someone and figure out who they are and how the two of you connect. Love is definitely something longer term," she says.
Patience is a virtue when it comes to assessing a budding relationship, and Hartstein says each person deserves feel free to fall at their own pace. "Even if the person you are dating proclaims their love early on, that’s no reason for you to start questioning yourself and your feelings. Everyone is different."
Though we can’t pin down exactly when someone will become aware of their feelings, there are some factors that can make people to fall in love quickly, on average. Or, at least think they have. Here are some things that can affect influence how long it takes to love someone:
Positive Thinkers Can Fall In Love Faster
Generally, positive people might find it easier to talk themselves into a more optimistic mindset, and that includes their feelings toward someone else.
“Positive thinking can increase how much love you have for your partner for several reasons,” psychologist Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., tells Bustle. “First of all, if you are already thinking positively in general, you are much more likely to notice and appreciate those qualities in your partner that you love rather than take these characteristics for granted or overlook them. Also, if you typically tend to engage in positive thinking, you are likely to be a more open-hearted person in general, as well as towards your partner, than someone who tends to be more of a negative or even neutral kind of thinker.”
If you tend to look on the positive side of everything, that's going to translate to how you look at relationships.
Men Might Fall In Love Faster Than Women
It may go against every gender stereotype ever — but that's exactly why gender stereotypes are total BS. According to a 2011 study published in The Journal of Social Psychology, men fall in love faster than women. The study also found that they expressed it sooner — but some experts think this might be more to do with men being more secure in their convictions rather than actually falling in love faster.
"Generally, men are seen as less emotional and may not question their emotions as much as women do," Rachel Needle, Psy.D., licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, tells Bustle. "On the other hand, women are often more likely to analyze their feelings and hesitate before saying 'I love you.' Thus, a man might not actually be in love, but will say it when the feelings are strong and believes that he is. Despite what rom-coms of the ‘90s may suggest, many men do desire meaningful connections and relationships. They might sometimes fall harder faster, but there is no telling how long that feeling will last."
Your Relationship With Your Parents Matters
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Though the link between your romantic partner and your parents might not be obvious, you might have already be looking for that connection. Depending on what kind of relationship you had with that parent, you might be more or less eager to fall in love with them. “The primary trigger for falling in love and selecting a particular person stems from the quality of relationships with your caretakers during childhood,” says relationship expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
If you didn’t have a great relationship with your caretakers during your childhood, you might be more likely to fall in love with someone quickly, hoping to resolve the issues with your caretakers with your romantic partners. “Our unconscious mind wants to restore that original connection,” he says.
But while it might look like love at first sight, psychologist Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., says it’s mostly fleeting brain hormones. “People experience an intense attraction that floods them with endorphins and dopamine, and they try to attach to that person. That psychologically restores connection from childhood they feel fully alive and joyfully relaxed.” The problem with this kind of “love” is that it signs your partner up for a role they’re not aware of, and aren’t responsible for. Hunt says it’s important to be conscious of the expectations you’re putting on a new partner and look for signs that you’re putting too much pressure on them.
Your Parents’ Relationship With Each Other Matters
While your relationship with your parents can affect your relationship with your partners, licensed psychotherapist Terri Cole, L.C.S.W., tells Bustle that your parents’ relationship with each other can also impact your openness to fall in love quickly.
“We all have what I refer to as a Downloaded Love Blueprint in our unconscious minds. This is made of what you observed and experienced in childhood regarding romantic love. These influences include your country, culture, family of origin, extended family, and societal norms among others,” Cole says. If your parents fought a lot, you might unconsciously seek out a partner that you have tension with, because it recreates the model you grew up with, Cole says. Conversely, you might consciously seek partners who you have no tension with, so as to avoid repeating the negative model you had as a child.
Can You Train Yourself To Fall In Love?
How long does it take to fall in love? It might take less time if you put the effort in, experts say. If you really, really want to fall in love, there is some proof that you can basically train yourself to do it — like Arthur Aron’s 36 Questions experiment. In the experiment, two people asked each other increasingly personal questions over a 45-minute period — and finished with staring into each other's eyes. Did it work? Well, six months after the experiment, one of the pairs got married, so it seemed like something definitely happened. The key is sharing personal information in an environment where you feel trust and support.
“Reciprocal escalating self-disclosure is kind of a long, fancy term that social scientists use. Once we’ve each reveals some vulnerabilities to one another, if it all went well, you feel comfortable and you can reveal even more vulnerability,” Margaret Clark, PhD, a psychology professor at Yale University, tells Bustle. "Feeling understood, feeling validated is something that people like." And they like it so much, it might even lead to love.
Studies Referenced:
Harrison, Marissa A. and Shortall, Jennifer C. (2010) Women and Men in Love: Who Really Feels It and Says It First? The Journal of Social Psychology. //www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224545.2010.522626?src=recsys
Aron, Arthur. (1997) The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. //journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167297234003
Experts:
Aimee Hartstein, L.C.S.W., relationship therapist
Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., psychologist
Rachel Needle, Psy.D., psychologist and sex therapist
Margaret Clark, Ph.D., professor of psychology, Yale University
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., psychologist and founder of Safe Conversations
Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., psychologist and founder of Safe Conversations
Terri Cole, L.C.S.W., psychotherapist
This article was originally published on March 19, 2018
Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — Written by Crystal Raypole on August 30, 2021
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Love tends to be somewhat complicated. Most people would probably agree, in fact, that even “complicated” is putting it mildly.
Even the act of falling in love can mean different things to different people — or at different points in your life. If you’ve fallen in love a time or two before, you might have some firsthand knowledge of its complexities. You might even find it a slippery thing to define, no matter how many times you’ve experienced it.
Is it that first rush of powerful attraction that leaves you dizzy, breathless, and feeling like you’re about to literally fall over? That spark of absolute certainty that you’ve finally met your match? That moment when you can no longer imagine a life without that person in it?
As you’ve probably guessed, there’s no simple answer.
If you already know people typically don’t fall in love at exactly the same time, in exactly the same way, it may not surprise you to learn that researchers find it somewhat challenging to pinpoint the time it takes to fall in love.
Basically, it’s tough to measure a process that doesn’t fall within any defined parameters. There’s no set test that can determine whether you’re in love or not. You might not even know with any certainty exactly what your own feelings mean.
But researchers have tried to measure how long it takes people to feel like confessing their love. Using this as a litmus test for falling in love makes sense, when you think about it.
You might choose to wait before saying those three (not-always-little) words, sure. But chances are, you wouldn’t start to consider saying them unless you actually had started to fall for someone.
A 6-part study published in 2011 looked at various aspects of commitment in romantic relationships.
In one experiment, researchers asked a total of 111 university students (45 female, 66 male) two questions about their current or most recently ended romantic relationship:
- Who confessed their love first?
- About how long did it take before you started to consider saying you were in love?
The results suggest it took male participants just over 97 days, on average, to consider sharing their feelings. Female participants reported taking more time to think about ‘fessing up: nearly 139 days, on average.
Various other surveys conducted by dating sites have found similar results, suggesting that it generally takes at least a few months to fall in love, regardless of gender.
Of course, gender goes beyond the male-female binary reflected in these studies and surveys.
Life experiences and social expectations around gender roles can absolutely play a part in the amount of time it takes you to confess your love.
But your actual gender, wherever it falls on the spectrum, may have little to do with the act of falling in love itself.
Romance novels, fairy tales, and romantic comedies would have you believe in the magic of chance encounters and serendipitous insta-love. Science suggests an alternate explanation: attraction at first sight.
Upon first meeting someone, you probably know next to nothing about their personality traits, ability to commit, or typical relationship behavior — you know, all those factors that play a major part in sustaining long-term love.
You don’t have much more to go on than physical appearance, in fact, and 2017 research supports the idea that most reports of “love at first sight” stem from that first flash of attraction.
Study authors also suggest some partners might put a more romantic spin on their connection by remembering that early spark of desire as love.
So, we’ve established you can’t use time to reliably predict when you might fall in love. Then how can you tell when it actually happens?
Most people agree it usually involves some of the following:
- A burst of energy and excitement. You might describe this as feeling “on top of the world.”
- A sense of newness. Your day-to-day routine might feel revitalized, brighter, or more interesting.
- Difficulty focusing on anything else. Most of your waking moments, plus plenty of your dreaming ones, center on memories of your past encounters and plans for future meetings.
- A desire to spend as much time together as possible. You don’t even care what you do together. Run errands? Scrub floors? Anything sounds fun when they’re around.
- Interest in everything about them. You want to learn everything you possibly can — favorite foods, dreams and goals, and secret fears, not to mention anything you might have in common.
- Feelings of attachment. Your bond isn’t just physical, though great chemistry might factor in. You also feel a strong emotional connection.
- A sense of security. You don’t just feel physically safe around them. You also know you can open up about your deepest, most private thoughts and feelings — and trust them to understand and respect those emotions.
Intrigued? Learn more about the key signs of falling in love here.
Researchers have identified three main stages of romantic love.
Lust
This stage has a lot to do with sexual desire. You can thank your evolutionary impulse to propagate the human species for that.
On a more chemical level, the hormones estrogen and testosterone (present in varying levels in people of every gender) help boost libido and prompt the urge to get physical. That’s one good explanation why the early weeks of a relationship often involve plenty of physical intimacy.
Attraction
This stage can also involve feelings of lust and desire, but it goes a little deeper.
As attraction takes root and blooms, your brain produces higher levels of different hormones, namely dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals can boost energy levels and leave you with a sense of giddy bliss — and sometimes, feelings of jealousy and a need to fiercely protect a partner and your relationship.
This euphoric state can even begin to affect other body processes, like sleep and appetite.
Attachment
Once your attraction stabilizes, it can eventually transform to long-term attachment. The hormones oxytocin (aka “the love hormone”) and vasopressin take the leading roles here.
This stage tends to prompt the desire to form lasting bonds and nurture your existing attraction. Here, you might make a conscious choice to develop your feelings of love for someone who feels right for you, instead of simply dancing to the tune of lust and attraction.
Want to learn more? We break down love’s effects on your brain and body here.
If you tend to fall in love pretty easily, saying “I love you” may not feel terribly monumental. You recognize the feelings when they come up, so you share them with a partner because, well, why not?
Yet sometimes those three words represent an enormous leap of faith and trust. You want a partner to respond in kind, and you don’t know what you’ll do if they don’t return your love.
In either scenario, a confession of love is always a great place to hit “pause” and have an open conversation about what you want from each other.
What if only one of you feels “in love”?
People fall in love at different rates, so one of you will probably fall in love first.
“In healthy relationships, it’s normal for partners to feel different levels of intensity and certainty in their feelings of love for each other,” says Dr. Melissa Estavillo, a Phoenix psychologist who specializes in relationship counseling.
She goes on to explain the relationship isn’t necessarily doomed if you don’t fall in love at the same time or have varying degrees of certainty about the relationship’s future.
The best way to handle the situation? She recommends getting more comfortable with sharing feelings honestly.
“Feeling more sure of the relationship shouldn’t be embarrassing or shameful,” she says. “Just be patient for your partner to develop these feelings in their own time.”
That said, it can also help to decide for yourself how long you’re willing to wait for a partner (or the object of your interest, if you aren’t already in a relationship) to reciprocate those feelings.
You think you’ve fallen in love, but you worry it might be too soon. After all, you just started dating a few months ago. Can you really love them already?
Maybe they confessed their love, but you don’t know exactly how you feel. Do you love them? Or just like them an awful lot?
Most people need at least a little time to sort out complicated romantic feelings. If you have a secure attachment style, Estavillo explains, you might be more likely to trust your gut, or your intuitive sense of the relationship.
Accepting your feelings as they come might prove more challenging when you have an insecure attachment. Estavillo explains that an anxious-insecure attachment can mean you:
- fall in love quickly
- consider yourself unlovable
- cling to relationships where you feel loved or have hopes of being loved
An avoidant attachment style can sometimes develop as an outcome of trauma or emotional neglect. With an avoidant attachment style, you might:
- doubt your feelings
- find it tough to trust others
- struggle to share vulnerabilities
- fear further hurt
Click here to learn more about the factors that shape attachment styles and how this can show up in your relationships.
It’s true that love carries some risk of pain. Still, you can’t get its benefits — companionship, safety, belonging — without accepting that risk.
What’s more, feelings of love that rapidly burst into existence might stem from a deep-seated sense of insecurity, a driving need to be loved by someone, anyone.
The bonds of early childhood may seem like ancient history, but attachment issues usually continue to resurface in your relationships until you make a dedicated effort to address them.
The good news? You absolutely can learn to create healthier, more secure attachments. Get started here.
You know you do want to fall in love, just not too quickly. So what’s a good middle ground to effectively build intimacy?
Generally speaking, this means letting love bud and flower naturally instead of forcing it. Nurture new love with:
- open communication
- clear boundaries
- shared vulnerabilities
If you find it tough to trust a new partner, Estavillo recommends offering small opportunities to earn your trust:
- Pay attention to how they react to your boundaries.
- Consider how they respond when you share things that matter.
- Practice taking risks together.
When to call it quits
Dealing with a one-sided love situation? You might wonder how long to wait before moving on.
Keep in mind it could take weeks, even months, before a partner (or you!) feels secure enough to say “I love you, too.”
Rather than using those words to assess the situation, it’s often more helpful to consider how you feel within the relationship.
Do you feel safe and secure, comfortable with your vulnerability, and excited and hopeful for the future? These signs suggest a healthy relationship, so there’s no harm in giving things time.
But what if you feel lonely, ashamed, or critical of yourself? Or believe you just have to do more to make them happy or relax your boundaries in order to “win” their love. In that case, the relationship probably isn’t serving your needs, since these signs don’t suggest healthy love.
Love doesn’t happen in the same way for everyone. It stands to reason, then, the amount of time it takes for your footing to falter as you tumble head over heels can vary pretty widely, too.
Instead of counting the months that pass, try focusing on how you feel around your partner. Love can exist and flourish without words, after all, and you might feel its presence before anyone gives it voice.
Crystal Raypole writes for Healthline and Psych Central. Her fields of interest include Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health, along with books, books, and more books. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues. She lives in Washington with her son and a lovably recalcitrant cat.
Last medically reviewed on August 30, 2021