As the old Neil Sedaka tune goes, breaking up is hard to do. Even when you’re the one making the call to end things, it’s tough to look someone in the eye and tell them you’re just not in love anymore. That’s probably why ghosting has become so prevalent: Since so much of our relationships occur via a screen, it’s easy to cut off coupledom without even exchanging a text.
But that can be construed as cowardly. If you’re in a relationship with someone, that means at one point, you loved (or at least liked) this person enough to share your time with them. “Face to face interaction is an important piece of a dignified break up,” says Tzlil Hertzberg, a therapist specializing in relationships at MyTherapist New York. And you owe them the common courtesy. If they don’t see it coming, that may make for an uncomfortable exchange. But you’re a grown-up, and you can do this. Here’s how to break up with someone in the nicest way possible.
Before you have the conversation, ask yourself why you're not satisfied.
You probably didn’t decide to break up on a whim, so don’t go into it like you did. Think long and hard about why you’re doing this and what you want to say, so that you can go into a conversation feeling strong about your decision.
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“Ask yourself why you want to end it: Is there a lack of romantic feelings, do you have limited common ground, are you just not feeling it?” says Brittany Bouffard, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist in Denver, CO. For a short relationship, the answer may be pretty clear. For longer relationships, the reasons will be more complex. “Talk these out with trusted friends, journal out both your reasons and the feelings that come up, and consider talking with a therapist if you’re unsure,” she advises.
Don't drag it out.
And once you’ve made the decision, just do it. You don’t need to give them a head’s up (is any phrase more dreaded in a relationship than “we need to talk”?), but make plans to meet in person, then rip the Band-Aid off. Give yourself an out the same way you would on a first date by making plans with a friend immediately afterwards; a firm deadline will keep you from feeling like you have to rehash the conversation over and over as your former partner comes to terms with it.
Remember to be kind in the moment.
Never has the golden rule been more applicable: Treat the other person as you would want to be treated. Because breakups involve a lot of feelings, sometimes, our emotions can get the best of us. But if you’re the one initiating the separation, be the bigger person and stick to your practiced script.
Avoid focusing on what you think they did wrong.
“The breakup conversation will most likely be uncomfortable, so be prepared for that,” says Hertzberg. “You can acknowledge how difficult and scary it is out loud. Just because you’re breaking up with someone doesn't mean you two can't share a moment of sadness together.”
However you explain that the relationship is over, don’t turn it into the blame game. Instead, make the reasoning about yourself. “No one can argue with you about your own preferences or feelings; they can argue with you if you are vague or make statements/assumptions about their feelings,” says Dea Dean, a marriage and family therapist and professional counselor in Ridgeland, MS. To do that, use “I” statements to explain what you think or feel isn’t working.
Be direct.
You can be gentle while being clear and direct about what you want. “Kindness and empathy really go a long way in a difficult situation like this,” says Hertzberg. “Just validating the other person's feelings around the breakup can be healing. Use sentences that reflect your understanding of how the person feels, while also making sure you clearly express yourself.” Remember, this is another human being with feelings, not just some entity on the other end of your cell phone.
Skip clichés like "it's not you, it's me."
The goal of a breakup is to let someone down easy and end things without a lot of hurt and anger; not to shred their self-esteem (you do want them to go on to find happiness with someone else, right?).
A major no-no during the breakup convo is trite excuses (ahem, “it’s not you, it’s me”). “We all know the breakup clichés,” says Bouffard. When you aren’t specific about why this is happening, you rob someone of a sense of closure; they’re stuck guessing what went wrong. And “when people hear a vague reason, they blame themselves more,” she adds.
Being definitive is really about showing the other person respect, too. “A lot of people think they’re lessening the blow by ‘leaving the door open, making statements like, ‘I’m just not in the right place for a relationship right now,’ or ‘maybe this would work out in the future,’” says Dean. Don’t do that. “It’s not the truth and you both know it, so save them from condescension.”
And don’t play the martyr. “A huge mistake is saying something like, ‘I just don’t want to hurt you,’ or even ‘I think you’re looking for something more than I am,’” says Dean. “You’re setting yourself up to be met with resistance here. Just say it: ‘I don’t have romantic feelings for you and I wanted to let you know as soon as that became apparent to me.’”
Finally, steer clear of false promises.
So it’s done. But a clean breakup conversation doesn’t always mean the absence of guilt and lingering feelings towards the other person.
“We tend to have the instincts to end things on a positive note, making sure the other person is placated in some way,” says Hertzberg. After the conversation, make sure you don't express insincere intentions, like 'staying friends' if you don't mean it.” Whatever your decision, stand firm in it and make sure to take some space from that person to let things settle down.
If you interact after the breakup, though, don’t tiptoe around the other person. “That can be super insulting,” says Dean. “Just say hello, ask about their life, share about yours, but most importantly behave in accordance to your belief that this is a strong, resourceful person who may not have been the right fit for you, but is the right fit for someone else.”
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Ashley Mateo is a writer, editor, and UESCA- and RRCA-certified running coach who has contributed to Runner’s World, Bicycling, Women's Health, Health, Shape, Self, and more. She’ll go anywhere in the world once—even if it’s just for a good story. Also into: good pizza, good beer, and good photos.
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