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[This article was originally published in July 2020]
Falling in love is one of the strangest and most wonderful things a human being can experience. And while it’s different for everyone, there are some common thoughts and feelings that can help people identify when it’s happening.
You might be experiencing one of the obvious indicators — like not being able to think about anyone or anything else but that person — or the signs could be more obfuscated.
Whatever it may be, there’s no doubt that falling in love in today’s labyrinthine dating landscape is complicated. In a bid to simplify things a little, The Independent spoke to psychologists to identify some of the clear signs that you might be falling in love with someone.
It’s a classic sign of infatuation: losing yourself in the eyes of the one you love. Consultant psychologist Marc Hekster explains that this is one of the most obvious signs that you’re falling in love with someone. “Why wouldn’t you want to look into the eyes of someone who you experience as the most beautiful and attractive person in your world?” he says.
The thing is, when you look at someone you love, you don’t just see what they look like. You might see your entire future together, or at least imagine what it could be.
“You are looking for something,” says Hekster. “If you have ever seen a mother looking at their newborn baby, or looking at their child in a loving way, then you will recognise some of this constant staring at your love object.”
If you’re enjoying spending time with someone, the reward system in the brain increases your motivation to want “more” of that time, explains dating psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree. “You start to crave their presence,” she adds.
You may start thinking of ways to be near them, too, which can include taking up their interests in the hope it could help strengthen the fledgling bond between you.
“For example, you may detest salsa, but find yourself enrolling on a salsa course, even if they are not on the course, because you feel closer to them by proxy,” explains Mason Roantree. “It also gives you something else you can talk to them about, and perhaps it’s a way to entice them to get closer to you.”
“The power of love and new love, in particular, is primitive,” says Hekster.
This means that when someone you’re falling in love with does something you might perceive as unattractive, whether it’s being untidy or leaving the toilet seat up, you won’t mind. In fact, you might not even notice it.
“Love can be immensely powerful and can be associated with the loss of all inhibition,” adds Hekster. “Think about parents who are in love with their baby and how they will acknowledge that they love their child no matter how dirty they are, or how much they stop them from sleeping.”
If you are falling in love with someone, chances are, your time with them will go by very quickly, explains chartered psychologist Daria Kuss.
This is often the case when we’re doing something we enjoy — and spending time with someone we’re falling in love with is no different.
“You are in the flow when you are with them,” she adds. “So you won’t notice the ticking clock when you spend time together.”
Falling in love can warp your sense of reality a little, says Hekster.
“It is likely that if you feel deeply in love with someone, then you will have a somewhat unrealistic view who they are and how they present themselves,” he adds.
So whilst you might be inclined to be critical of someone else doing or saying something, if your partner does or says them, you might love them for it, because in your eyes, they can do no wrong.
“Even if they are wearing sandals with socks. It’s what makes them so beautiful, right?!” he adds. “When you are in love, all you see is a version of beauty that feels unchallengeable. It is the idealisation of the individual upon whom all your feelings are focused.”
When you’re falling in love, everything else in your life might feel weirdly wonderful, says Mason Roantree.
“You might also feel a little more energetic for no apparent reason,” she adds.
“This is the result of all those ‘dopamine hits’ you have been getting from thinking about your partner and doing things, either with them or that remind you of them.
“The act of positive anticipation helps reduce feelings of stress, so the anticipation of being with your partner boosts your mental health making you feel better about life.”
Again, this might seem very obvious. But the reason why you want to touch and kiss someone you’re falling in love with is far more deeply rooted than you might think.
When you touch someone you’re falling in love with, it releases the “love hormone”, oxytocin.
“This will make you feel happy and strengthen the connection between you and your partner,” explains Kuss.
“Falling in love involves a surrender of our feelings to another person,” says Hekster.
In that surrender, Hekster explains that we merge with that person in a way and become completely preoccupied with them to the point where they dominate our thoughts.
Again, this is partly thanks to oxytocin, which is released in the brain during sex.
“It can affect emotion, cognition and social bonding,” adds Hekster, all of which can make you feel closer to someone and foster feelings of love.
When you start to fall in love with someone, you might find yourself feeling more altruistic than usual, says Hekster.
“This characterise the more mature versions of love,” he adds, explaining that it can be a sign of deep, long-lasting love.
“You don’t only want happiness for yourself, but you want it in equal measure for the other person.”
You may have experienced some signs you’re in love. Can't get someone out of your head? Daydreaming about them when you should be working? Imagining your futures together? These dizzying thoughts are just a few of the telltale signs you're in love.
In fact, scientists have pinned down exactly what it means to "fall in love." Researchers have found that the brain of a person in love looks very different from one experiencing mere lust, and it's also unlike the brain of someone in a long-term, committed relationship. Studies led by Helen Fisher (opens in new tab), an anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the leading experts on the biological basis of love, have revealed that the brain's "in love" phase is a unique and well-defined period of time. Here are 13 telltale signs you're in love.
Thinking this one's special
When you're in love, you begin to think your beloved is unique. The belief is coupled with an inability to feel romantic passion for anyone else. According to a 2017 article in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior (opens in new tab), this monogamy results from elevated levels of central dopamine — a chemical involved in attention and focus — in your brain.
Focusing on the positive
People who are truly in love tend to focus on the positive qualities of their beloved, while overlooking his or her negative traits. According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (opens in new tab), relationships are usually more successful when partners are idealized.
Those who are in love also focus on trivial events and objects that remind them of their loved one, daydreaming about these precious little moments and mementos. According to research published in 2013 in the journal Motivation and Emotion (opens in new tab), being in love prevents people from focusing on other information.
This focused attention is also thought to result from elevated levels of central dopamine, as well as a spike in central norepinephrine, a chemical associated with increased memory in the presence of new stimuli.
Emotional instability
As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional and physiological instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback.
These mood swings parallel the behavior of drug addicts, according to a 2017 article in the journal Philosophy, Psychiatry and Psychology (opens in new tab). And indeed, when in-love people are shown pictures of their loved ones, it fires up the same regions of the brain that activate when a drug addict takes a hit. According to Fisher (opens in new tab), being in love is a form of addiction and when this is taken away from someone they can experience "withdrawals and relapse".
Intensifying attraction
Going through some sort of adversity with another person tends to intensify romantic attraction, according to Fisher’s research. Central dopamine may be responsible for this reaction, too, because research shows that when a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing neurons in the mid-brain region become more productive.
Intrusive thinking
People who are in love report that they spend, on average, more than 85 percent of their waking hours musing over their "love object," according to Fisher. Intrusive thinking, as this form of obsessive behavior is called, may result from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition that has been associated with obsessive behavior previously. (Obsessive-compulsive disorder is treated with serotonin-reuptake inhibitors.)
According to a 2012 study published in the Journal of Psychophysiology (opens in new tab), men who are in love have lower serotonin levels than men who are not, while the opposite applies to women. The men and women who were in love were found to be thinking about their loved one for around 65 percent of the time they were awake.
Emotional dependency
People in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection, and separation anxiety. For instance, Fisher and her colleagues looked at the brains of individuals viewing photos of a rejected loved one, or someone they were still in love with after being rejected by that person.
The functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) showed activation in several brain areas, including forebrain areas like the cingulate gyrus that have been shown to play a role in cocaine cravings. "Activation of areas involved in cocaine addiction may help explain the obsessive behaviors associated with rejection in love," the researchers wrote in 2010 in the Journal of Neurophysiology (opens in new tab).
Planning a future
Longing for emotional union with a beloved, seeking out ways to get closer and day-dreaming about a future together are also signs of someone in love. According to an article by Harvard University (opens in new tab), when serotonin levels begin to return to normal levels, the hormone oxytocin increases in the body. This neurotransmitter is associated with creating more serious relationships.
Lucy Brown, a neuroscientist at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, says this drive to be with another person is sort of like our drive toward water and other things we need to survive.
"Functional MRI studies show that primitive neural systems underlying drive, reward recognition and euphoria are active in almost everyone when they look at the face of their beloved and think loving thoughts. This puts romantic love in the company of survival systems, like those that make us hungry or thirsty," Brown told Live Science.
"I think of romantic love as part of the human reproductive strategy. It helps us form pair-bonds, which help us survive. We were built to experience the magic of love and to be driven toward another"
Feelings of empathy
People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and being willing to sacrifice anything for the other person.
In Fisher’s study, the scientists discovered significant patterns in the brain activity of people who were in love. Their mirror neurons, which are linked to feelings of empathy, were more active in people who were in a long-term, loving relationship.
Aligning interests
Falling in love can result in someone reordering their daily priorities to align with those of their beloved. While some people may attempt to be more like a loved one, another of Fisher's studies, presented in 2013 at the "Being Human" conference, found that people are attracted to their opposites, at least their "brain-chemical" opposites.
For instance, her research found that people with so-called testosterone-dominant personalities (highly analytical, competitive and emotionally contained) were often drawn to mates with personalities linked to high estrogen and oxytocin levels — these individuals tended to be "empathetic, nurturing, trusting and prosocial, and introspective, seeking meaning and identity," Fisher said in 2013 (opens in new tab).
Possessive feelings
Those who are deeply in love often experience sexual desire for their beloved, but there are strong emotional strings attached: The longing for sex is coupled with a desire for sexual exclusivity, and extreme jealousy when the partner is suspected of infidelity. According to the Indian Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism, oxytocin is released during sexual activity. This hormone creates social bonds and develops trust.
This attachment is thought to have evolved so that an in-love person will compel his or her partner to spurn other suitors, thereby ensuring that the couple's courtship is not interrupted until conception has occurred. According to Fisher this evolved as a biological need, enabling people in romantic relationships to “focus [their] mating energy on a particular individual”.
Craving an emotional union
While the desire for sexual union is important to people in love, the craving for emotional union takes precedence. Fisher’s 2002 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 64 percent of people in love (the same percentage for both sexes) disagreed with the statement, "Sex is the most important part of my relationship with [my partner]."
Feeling out of control
Fisher and her colleagues found that individuals who report being "in love" commonly say their passion is involuntary and uncontrollable.
For her 1979 book "Love and Limerence," the late psychologist Dorothy Tennov asked 400 men and women in Connecticut to respond to 200 statements on romantic love. Many participants expressed feelings of helplessness, saying their obsession was irrational and involuntary.
According to Fisher, one participant, a business executive in his early 50s wrote this about an office crush, "I am advancing toward the thesis that this attraction for Emily is a kind of biological, instinct-like action that is not under voluntary or logical control. ... It directs me. I try desperately to argue with it, to limit its influence, to channel it (into sex, for example), to deny it, to enjoy it, and, yes, dammit, to make her respond! Even though I know that Emily and I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, the thought of her is an obsession," Fisher reported in 2016 online in Nautilus.
Losing the spark
Unfortunately, being in love doesn't always last forever and psychologists say that the early euphoric stage lasts no longer than three years, according to Fisher’s blog. It's an impermanent state that either evolves into a long-term, codependent relationship that psychologists call "attachment," or it dissipates, and the relationship dissolves. If there are physical or social barriers inhibiting partners from seeing one another regularly — for example, if the relationship is long-distance — then the "in love" phase generally lasts longer than it would otherwise.
Additional resources
To find out why people crave love and learn more about the research of Helen Fisher, you can watch her TED talk– The brain in love (opens in new tab). For further reading about love and the body, the book The Science of Love and Attraction (opens in new tab), written by neuroscientist Dr. Guloglu, explores how and why people love.
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