Before you unload your worries onto a friend or loved one, take a moment to think about these five things
As a mental health blogger who often listens to people vent, I wish more people checked in with me first. Because, even though I encourage those with mental health struggles to reach out, there are times when I am emotionally unavailable. When I’m overwhelmed by my own issues, I cannot help anyone else – and this is something that many of us will be familiar with.
Talking about your problems with a troubled confidante may not always give you the insight or advice you’re looking for, but it will almost certainly add to their mental burden. So, here are some simple, organic ways to ask your go-to listener for their emotional consent before you vent.
1. Ask them how they are
Before you offload your worries onto someone, it is essential to know if they are in a reasonably alright physical and mental state. When you vent as soon as you begin your conversation, you do not give your listener the option to say no if they need to.
According to psychologist Tania Diaz, ‘emotional consent’ is the act of responsibly asking for permission to share an emotionally charged experience with another individual. In accordance with that, it is crucial to enquire about their wellbeing before you do so.
2. Keep it simple
Once you know that they are indeed fine, it’s time to ask for emotional consent. If you are worried about doing it without sounding awkward, don’t worry.
Tania says: “It is not what you say that influences the tone of the dialogue, but how you say it. Using your own words will help you keep it simple and authentic. For example, ‘Hey do you have a moment for me to run something by you; I’m sort of in a funk. If not now, let me know when it’s a good time to talk.’ See? You don’t have to use any jargon. While it may feel strange to ask for permission, your loved one will feel respected. Over time, it will feel more natural and help to build a healthy relationship.”
3. Use trigger warnings
After they have consented to a conversation, give the listener an idea of the subject of your problem(s). Tania believes that this is important not only for the listener, but also for you.
She explains: “A trigger warning is imperative, as your friend may not have recovered from past injuries. They may be still recovering from their emotional wounds. One can hold space for someone only when they have the emotional capacity to do so. Not giving a warning to your ventee can be considered short-sighted, irresponsible, and selfish. Done repeatedly, it can strain your relationship.”
4. Exercise discretion and respect boundaries
Even after getting consent, use your judgment. For example, if the listener has recently ended a long-term relationship and the venter wants relationship advice, should you approach them in the first place? Would it be better to vent to someone else? Another thing to keep in mind is boundaries.
Even if you have a green flag to talk about what is on your mind, respect boundaries. If you aren’t sure of what they are, ask without hesitation. Make sure you know your own boundaries, too, so you can be firm if, for example, your ventee asks something you don’t want to discuss.
5. Try not to ‘trauma dump’
When you talk at length about multiple issues in your life – issues for which you don’t have emotional consent – it might be called ‘trauma dumping’. Tania explains why this can be unhealthy.
“Venting is the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings in a healthy prosocial manner,” Tania says. “There is an amount of insight and compassion for the person on the receiving end. While there may be a theme to the emotional discharge by the ventee, the person venting is mindful of how they may have contributed to the experience.
“In the case of trauma dumping, there is less awareness, greater impulsivity, and limited capacity to see any other perspective but their own. The ventee’s lens is restricted, making it difficult to appreciate the impact of highly charged statements on the recipient. Due to this, the recipient is left feeling drained and potentially emotionally charged.”
Venting to loved ones is fine, because it involves smaller, everyday problems; trauma dumping isn’t because it involves bigger, deep-rooted problems. If you need to do the latter, the best course of action is to consult a therapist, who will be willing and able to handle it.
If you are struggling with your mental health, visit Counselling Directory or speak to a qualified counsellor.
Is there something on your mind that you just can’t shake? Have you been feeling frustrated, sad or just not yourself? Talking to a friend about it may help.
Talking allows you to process what’s going on for you, and can make you feel better. After all, it’s tough dealing with things alone!
We know it’s not always easy to start these kinds of conversations, which is why we’ve come up with a list of 10 easy tips that will make venting to your friends much easier!
1. Write your ideas down first
If what you want to say isn’t easy, writing will help organize your thoughts.
TIP: Sometimes it may feel like your thoughts are too jumbled to write down into coherent sentences. In that case it may help to do ‘stream of consciousness’ writing where you pick a set amount of time (think anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes) and just write whatever pops up in your head during that time.
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2. Choose the right person to talk to
Talk to someone you trust and who won’t judge you!
TIP: If you’re having trouble picking someone, think about times in the past when you’ve gone through a tough time. Who was there for you? Who had good advice?
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3. Know what you want from the conversation
Are you just looking to vent or are you asking for help?
TIP: It may help to start the conversation with “I’m not looking for help, I really just need to vent” to ensure that whoever you’re talking to doesn’t frustrate you by trying to provide solutions you’re not looking for.
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4. Choose how you want to communicate
You can choose to vent face-to-face, on the phone, via text message, by chat…it’s up to you! But don’t do it publicly on social media! The internet is forever, and at some point you may not want people to know how you were feeling at a particular moment. You never know who will see your post and you certainly don’t want anyone butting in with unhelpful or hurtful comments, so avoid venting publicly.
TIP: Choose a form of communication that works for you and for what you’re trying to say. Chatting face-to-face may be difficult, but it does allow you to pick up on nonverbal communication.
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5. Pick the right time to talk
Make sure you have your friend’s undivided attention.
TIP: It can help to ask when they have some free time so you know you’re getting their attention when they’re not distracted.
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6. It’s ok to test the waters
Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.
TIP: Going slowly can ensure you’re not misunderstood and you’re not telling your friend more than you’re comfortable with. Check in with yourself throughout the conversation to see how you feel. It’s okay to put a stop to the venting if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable!
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7. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.
TIP: While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longer term reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.
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8. Look for ways to take action
Venting on its own may not solve your problem. If you want to make a change there are lots of supports out there to help.
TIP: A good place to start if you’re looking for tips and resources on mental health and wellness is foundrybc.ca
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