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Jun 03, 2020 Colleen rated it it was amazing I started this book while pregnant and had to put it down. I knew parenthood would be challenging, but this book made me feel like having a child would ruin my marriage, my sense of self, my life. Then, a few weeks after A was born, I had the desire to pick it up again. Something told me I would relate to it differently now that I had a baby. I was right. Now that she’s here, I can see how everything in the book about how challenging parenting is is true, and that’s okay. It can be hard and wond I started this book while pregnant and had to put it down. I knew parenthood would be challenging, but this book made me feel like having a child would ruin my marriage, my sense of self, my life. Then, a few weeks after A was born, I had the desire to pick it up again. Something told me I would relate to it differently now that I had a baby. I was right. Now that she’s here, I can see how everything in the book about how challenging parenting is is true, and that’s okay. It can be hard and wonderful at the same time, and I didn’t know that before. “And, not but” (222). ...more
The complex truths of motherhood will continue to make everyone uncomfortable and ashamed until they're articulated readily and repeatedly. (220) I am not the target audience for this book, but I am so thrilled that this book exists. I've had so many fears about motherhood validated, and more importantly, I've learned how to reframe my understanding of friends who are mothers and how to best
respond to their needs and feelings about this transformation of their lives. I enjoyed how conversational I am not the target audience for this book, but I am so thrilled that this book exists. I've had so many fears about motherhood validated, and more importantly, I've learned how to
reframe my understanding of friends who are mothers and how to best respond to their needs and feelings about this transformation of their lives. I enjoyed how conversational Millwood's book feels, like you're not being lectured at but actually seen, that your feelings are valid and your fears are taken seriously. Millwood covers a range of important topics, such as the loss of self, the isolating state of modern American motherhood, the very real stress that children bring to a
marriage, and how to move forward with your new life. Millwood works to correct her "dismay at how many books there are about pregnancy and childbirth and how few books there are about the complete metamorphosis we undergo once we become parents." (86) Much like
All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, I couldn't bookmark the whole book, so here are my top passages that I want to remember: In the early years of
parenthood, that suffering is far more common than most of us realize. It is not reserved for the clinically depressed new mother whose postpartum mood disorder is impacting her marriage. It is the emotional backdrop of a great many mothers, the same ones who are beaming with maternal joy or good-humoredly exposing their domestic disorder in the photos they post on Instagram. It is the unspoken struggle of a great many couples, the same ones who look so happy and in love in their profile
pictures that they can't possibly have the kinds of explosive fights we have with our spouses, and they can't possibly have cried quietly into their pillows the night before, their backs turned to each other, wondering when their closest ally started to feel so far away." (235)
As a non-parent, this book terrified me (in a way all pre-parents need to be terrified) and forced me to consider things I hadn’t before. That being said, I almost quit reading due to her
chapter on labor. She discusses how many clients she sees who feel guilty about their birth experience, which would likely happen less if people like her didn’t assert that unmedicated, vaginal births are the best way to have a child. One more time for the people in the back: there is no “right” way to bring a That being said, I almost quit reading due to her chapter on labor. She discusses how many clients she sees who feel guilty about their birth experience, which would likely happen less if people like her didn’t assert that unmedicated, vaginal births are the best way to have a child. One more time for the people in the back: there is no “right” way to bring a child into this world and we need to stop telling mothers what is best for their bodies and their babies.
Apr 23, 2020 Vidya rated it it was amazing I found myself nodding along and seeing so much of my own experience and inner world in this book. I think it’s one I’ll have to go back and read again. Entering motherhood really is a transformation and one that is done such a disservice by the way it’s handled medically, the expectations of moms societally and the ideas of how it should be culturally. The author expertly lays out so much of the psychology of new moms and how they relate to themselves, their babies and their partners. The comme I found myself nodding along and seeing so much of my own experience and inner world in this book. I think it’s one I’ll have to go back and read again. Entering motherhood really is a transformation and one that is done such a disservice by the way it’s handled medically, the expectations of moms societally and the ideas of how it should be culturally. The author expertly lays out so much of the psychology of new moms and how they relate to themselves, their babies and their partners. The comments on grieving the loss of self, understanding the role expectations play in your happiness and resilience and holding complex feelings at the same time really put words to things I couldn’t quite express or see. I feel like this first read was just seeing with clarity so many of the things I’ve been feeling or thinking in low resolution, and realizing they’re shared by many. The next read will be more of what I should do about some of those uncomfortable or even unexplored feelings. ...more
Kind of a depressing read, especially if you assume you have a progressive partner and that you'll share the load when it comes to
parenting. But it's also hopeful — there are so many feelings that new moms keep to themselves, but acknowledging them and sharing them could ease these secret burdens. I've decided to write up 3-5 takeaways from nonfiction books in an effort to retain more of what I read; here are some from this book: 1. Try to reframe "problems" and get rid of your expectations. A cl I've decided to write up 3-5 takeaways from nonfiction books in an effort to retain more of what I read; here are some from this book: 1. Try to reframe "problems" and get rid of your expectations. A clingy baby is not a problem, just someone who wants
comfort. Try to feel and accept the pain when things don't go as you might wish them to, rather than suffer by resisting, fearing, or denying what's actually happening. Similarly, if you feel guilt, question why and try to determine if it's valid. (Apparently women experience guilt as parents much more than men.)
I read this as a hard copy and listened to it as an audiobook. I ended up annotating so many parts of the book because my greatest takeaway was I WISHED I WOULD’VE
READ THIS SOONER. If you’re pregnant (first, second or third time), read this book. If you have young kids, read this book. If you felt/feel resentment building or displaced emotions, read this book. If the transition to motherhood has made you question your ability, read this book. If your marriage is rocky and you’re at your wit’s end be If you’re pregnant (first, second or third time), read this book. If you have young kids, read this book. If you felt/feel resentment building or displaced emotions, read this book. If the transition to motherhood has made you question your ability, read this book. If your marriage is rocky and you’re at your wit’s end because of parenthood, read this book. If
you’re in constant survival or crisis mode because of motherhood , read this book. If you need to feel less lonely on this journey, read this book. This book has helped me understand the emotions attributed to being a first time mom is SO normal. Grieving the person you were before kids is part of the process.
A little gender essentialist but I loved the thoughts in it so much I just don’t care.
A MUST READ for expecting/new cisgender moms in heterosexual relationships (the author prefaces that this book is specifically for that population). I feel seen.
Jul 27, 2022 Nicole Fisk rated it it was amazing
So good! I wish I had read this much earlier in my motherhood journey. I appreciated the reality of the good and bad aspects-the things we all feel but nobody talks about. In our social media age where most people only talk about how great motherhood is and all the ways they’re killing it, this is balm for every shame ridden mothers soul. “In order to find well-being in the terrain of motherhood, we must accept the loss of so many illusions, not
the least of which are illusions about the bliss ch “In order to find well-being in the terrain of
motherhood, we must accept the loss of so many illusions, not the least of which are illusions about the bliss children will bring and the extent to which our spouses will share the burden and support us. The greatest loss of all may be our illusions about who we are and what kind of mothers we will be. When these illusions are acknowledged and grieved, we find some measure of peace in the acceptance of how things actually are and who we actually are.” Best motherhood book I’ve read! I’d
highly suggest it to all mothers, but especially newer ones.
Dec 29, 2020 Kristen Usher rated it it was amazing I want to give this book to every new mom. Not at first, but maybe 9-months in, just when they are realizing that there is no going back to who they were. This book was a balm and an encouragement in a season that feels so lonely. As with all of life, we are never as alone as we think we are, and this book cuts to the heart of that for the early years of mothering.
This book was SO good. If you ever find yourself struggling to balance motherhood, modern society and your marriage this book will shed light on how that balance act is. As I read this book, I felt like I could have wrote a large majority of it myself. It was a great read. I may pick it up again!
I took away some good things from this book but I got tired of constantly being told there are levels of love and parental guilt and difficulty reserved only for mothers. If she really wants to change the way we treat mothers postpartum, she should stop stereotyping on the lines of gender. The stories of dads making boneheaded mistakes juxtaposed with moms being over-invested in their children got old because that’s simply not how it is in every family. I got through it because I really did iden I took away some good things from this book but I got tired of constantly being told there are levels of love and parental guilt and difficulty reserved only for mothers. If she really wants to change the way we treat mothers postpartum, she should stop stereotyping on the lines of gender. The stories of dads making boneheaded mistakes juxtaposed with moms being over-invested in their children got old because that’s simply not how it is in every family. I got through it because I really did identify with a lot of what she said and I enjoyed the therapist’s view of how a relationship changes after having children. But by the end, I was fatigued by endlessly trying to adapt my reality to the one size fits all portrayal of the American family. ...more
This book was so incredibly healing for me. It validated my experience of the first 10 years of being a mom while also giving me a broader, perhaps truer, perspective of parenting, myself, and my marriage that is hard to see in the midst of it. Every mom should read this, but especially moms who are attempting to juggle their mother identity with an identity that doesn’t revolve around her children, those who are introverted or creative, or who are striving to hold onto their professional selves This book was so incredibly healing for me. It validated my experience of the first 10 years of being a mom while also giving me a broader, perhaps truer, perspective of parenting, myself, and my marriage that is hard to see in the midst of it. Every mom should read this, but especially moms who are attempting to juggle their mother identity with an identity that doesn’t revolve around her children, those who are introverted or creative, or who are striving to hold onto their professional selves in the midst of the exhaustion and often undignified realities of motherhood. Thank you, Molly, for this book. I will be anxiously awaiting one on the teen years. 😊 ...more
Jul 08, 2022 Jennifer rated it it was ok I related so much to the author’s motherhood struggles. But her advice was not helpful at all, basically “if you see this as a problem, it turns from pain into suffering. So just don’t see it as a problem.” So she gives an example- if your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, just have the mindset it isn’t a problem and don’t worry about it. I agree that sleeping isn’t a forever problem, but telling someone whose baby wakes up 10 times a night when they work or care for other kids the next morn I related so much to the author’s motherhood struggles. But her advice was not helpful at all, basically “if you see this as a problem, it turns from pain into suffering. So just don’t see it as a problem.” So she gives an example- if your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, just have the mindset it isn’t a problem and don’t worry about it. I agree that sleeping isn’t a forever problem, but telling someone whose baby wakes up 10 times a night when they work or care for other kids the next morning that they need to decide it isn’t a problem is just gaslighting. ...more
A needed reflection on how motherhood fundamentally affects women differently than men. This book is for the many mothers out there wondering if they’re the only ones who emerged on the opposite side of birth as a person that they do not recognize.
I picked this up somewhat hesitantly from the library, as its description said that it was about the emotions and conflicts of early motherhood, and right now my only kid is 5, so I feel like I've passed that mark. However, I might actually end up buying a copy of this one, as it did a great job articulating the profound sense of dislocation I felt in my early days and months as a mom, how that was much different from my husband than for me, and how that has created tension in our relationship t I picked this up somewhat hesitantly from the library, as its description said that it was about the emotions and conflicts of early motherhood, and right now my only kid is 5, so I feel like I've passed that mark. However, I might actually end up buying a copy of this one, as it did a great job articulating the profound sense of dislocation I felt in my early days and months as a mom, how that was much different from my husband than for me, and how that has created tension in our relationship that definitely did not exist before our daughter was born. It's probably the best book on the emotional life of early motherhood that I've read, in that sense. It gives mother-readers permission to feel ambivalent about motherhood, even angry and hateful about it - feelings more mothering memoirs, etc., are talking about nowadays and that thankfully I've been able to integrate into my experience of the whole thing without too much self-hatred. This was the first book that I felt talked about ambivalent feelings about marriage/partnerhood, too, and I really appreciated hearing that I am not the only one who think my husband and kid are the s#$% but who wants to get away from both of them from time to time. I highly recommend this book to all expecting/new/newish moms. ...more
This book is designed to enlighten and support mothers by honoring the complexity of their life transitions and helping them navigate big changes with honesty, courage, and acceptance. The author
draws upon current research, her own experiences, and the lives of her therapy patients to illustrate and work through the ways that real-life motherhood doesn't live up to anyone's expectations, and as she explores the difficult emotions inherent in caring for babies and children, she provides advice f This book is designed to enlighten and support mothers by honoring the complexity of their life transitions and helping them navigate big changes
with honesty, courage, and acceptance. The author draws upon current research, her own experiences, and the lives of her therapy patients to illustrate and work through the ways that real-life motherhood doesn't live up to anyone's expectations, and as she explores the difficult emotions inherent in caring for babies and children, she provides advice for how women can maintain a sense of themselves, keep a realistic view, and resolve strain in their marital relationships. This is a worthy
goal, and the book mostly lives up to it, since the author does an excellent job presenting the complexity of motherhood and has lots of good attachment theory advice for couples. However, because of some issues that I have with this book, I'm only giving it three stars. It's frequently repetitive, which makes the book seem too long, and even though the author draws upon current research and has lots of good advice, she is overly constrained by the limits of her personal and clinical experience.
Even though it makes sense for her to write from her own experience, she makes very universal claims without exploring the lives of those who lack her privileges, or who cannot afford to go to therapy for their motherhood-related emotional issues. Also, even though she directly explains at the beginning that she is focused on heterosexual couples based on her own experiences and her clinical work, there is absolutely ZILCH about how motherhood transitions affect adoptive mothers, and she
never acknowledges this at all. Since nothing about the title indicates that she is talking about biological motherhood alone, I think that it is a major problem for her to not at least make it clear up-front that she does not speak to the dynamics of adoption at all and is only writing about mothers for whom childbirth is part of their life transition. Another issue that I have with this book is her treatment of gender imbalances in marriages after children come along. Some of this
material is very good, but she swings back and forth between dissonant ideas. She writes repeatedly about how mothers have an incredibly unique, biological, primitive knowledge of their babies and their needs, but she also claims that the reason why women are more destabilized by a baby's arrival than their husbands is because of patriarchal expectations. So, are mothers deeply attuned to their babies because of biology, or is the unique mother-baby unity observed throughout human history the
product of cultural conditioning and dads not stepping up enough? Her verdict differs from paragraph to paragraph and chapter to chapter. It's a complex issue, to be sure, but it frustrated me that she would make seemingly contradictory statements without working through the nuance enough. Also, her ideas of equality in marriage send the message that traditional arrangements are always harmful. She laments that 50/50 childcare is more of a dream than the norm, since women tend to take on
the brunt of domestic duties even when they are working equal hours to their husbands, but even when she is writing about stay-at-home moms, she conveys a sense of judgment about how much more involved women are, and how much more parenthood affects them than their spouses. She views marriages as patriarchal and unequal when there isn't an even labor split, and that is absolutely unreasonable, especially considering the biological elements that she kept contradicting herself on. As she
explains, women have an innate, attuned sensitivity to their babies because of their prenatal relationship and hormonal changes. Dads, on the other hand, have to actively work to develop a bond with their babies, and become attuned through practice and repetition. However, she isn't willing to accept this as a signal that maybe it is really okay if Mom is the one who does most of the childcare, while Dad is the primary provider and is involved secondarily in child-rearing. This arrangement
doesn't work for everyone, and isn't possible when the family's survival depends on two incomes, but she is amazingly resistant to accepting that it's okay for some people to take their cues from biology. She is completely unwilling to give up on the idea that parents should have equal investments in childcare, and even though she provides great advice about how dads can get more involved and develop deep bonds with their babies, her preconceived notions distort this part of the book. She
acknowledges that it sets mothers up for frustration to expect childcare to be 50/50, but she keeps pushing for this anyway, instead of seeing that it isn't always feasible or even desirable. I wish that she could have provided insight on how couples can seek a more balanced division of labor when they want to without harping on traditional divisions of labor and believing that they are inherently harmful. Sometimes it works really well for Dad to work and Mom to stay at home, and just
because this author doesn't find that desirable doesn't mean that other people's marriages are unequal as a result. Equality in a relationship ultimately comes down to spouses having equal respect, equal love, and the equal right to ask for and expect support. People don't have to divide all types of labor perfectly equally to have justice and balance in their marriages, and I was very disappointed by her unwillingness to see this. Overall, this is a worthwhile resource, and I would never
discourage any new biological mother from reading it. However, because it completely ignores dynamics related to adoption, and because of the other issues that I enumerated above, I would never make this a blanket recommendation for all mothers, and would never make this a staple to give to people at baby showers. It's a mixed bag that is well worth exploring under the right conditions, but it shouldn't be enshrined as the new best resource or an instant classic.
A friend recommended this as a good motherhood prep class in a book. It is that, I suppose, but it was more to me. This was a beautiful treatise on depression and stress... what causes them, what we can do to heal them, what they do to relationships, etc. * Her chapter on trauma and physical trauma was stuff I've been taught for years by professionals and, yet, so unbelieved in our world today. I
suppose that there wasn't much new, except that it was so female-centric. Therefore it really resona It is that, I suppose, but it was more to me. This was a beautiful treatise on depression and stress... what causes them, what we can do to heal them, what they do to relationships, etc. * Her chapter on trauma and physical trauma was stuff I've been taught for years
by professionals and, yet, so unbelieved in our world today. I suppose that there wasn't much new, except that it was so female-centric. Therefore it really resonated with me. * You may read the title and go "duh, Chrisanne, it's motherhood." But, take a step backward. Any upending change in life has much in common with birth.
Jul 26, 2022 Oni rated it it was amazing What a phenomenal and relatable read. I would highly highly recommend this book to expecting parents, new parents and even seasoned parents. It puts so much into perspective in regards to motherhood and relationships after having a baby. I appreciate the author's easy writing style. Although she stated several statistics, it didnt feel weighed down or wordy. Sometimes books written by doctors aren't as enjoyable to read because of their word choice, but this was basically written perfectly. I wi What a phenomenal and relatable read. I would highly highly recommend this book to expecting parents, new parents and even seasoned parents. It puts so much into perspective in regards to motherhood and relationships after having a baby. I appreciate the author's easy writing style. Although she stated several statistics, it didnt feel weighed down or wordy. Sometimes books written by doctors aren't as enjoyable to read because of their word choice, but this was basically written perfectly. I will be purchasing a physical copy to add to my library. ...more
Nov 14, 2022 Amy Carter rated it it was amazing My first audiobook! I loved this. I think everyone who is a mother, and everyone who hopes to be a mother (and probably everyone else) should read this. The early chapters especially were really powerful and definitely spoke to my experiences of early motherhood. Some of the statistics were a little depressing and discouraging, but the whole book really rang true to me and my experience. It makes me want to be more open with friends and family and better support all mothers, but especially new o My first audiobook! I loved this. I think everyone who is a mother, and everyone who hopes to be a mother (and probably everyone else) should read this. The early chapters especially were really powerful and definitely spoke to my experiences of early motherhood. Some of the statistics were a little depressing and discouraging, but the whole book really rang true to me and my experience. It makes me want to be more open with friends and family and better support all mothers, but especially new ones. Strongly recommend. ...more
Jun 18, 2021 MLG rated it liked it The forward to this book makes it pretty clear that it has a narrow audience: monogamous
mothers of young children married to men who are not the primary caregivers of their young children. From there it attempts to draw some conclusions about shared experiences among this group, so I can understand the instinct to be clear about who is addressed. But as others have pointed out, there are additional assumptions that aren't explicitly mentioned: mom gave birth, mom and dad are both straight, mone The forward to this book makes it pretty
clear that it has a narrow audience: monogamous mothers of young children married to men who are not the primary caregivers of their young children. From there it attempts to draw some conclusions about shared experiences among this group, so I can understand the instinct to be clear about who is addressed. But as others have pointed out, there are additional assumptions that aren't explicitly mentioned: mom gave birth, mom and dad are both straight, money isn't an issue, fertility was not an
issue, racism isn't affecting one or both parents in their roles, etc. I am not in the stated or implied target audience but I am the mother of an infant so I read it anyway because it was well rated and seemed well researched. If nothing else I had to read it because there were at least a few reviews where men were moaning about how the author is a misandrist and in my experience that indicates a text is probably doing something interesting. There is a lot of good here. I found some of the
anecdotes from the author’s clients to be distressing but also validating in the ring of truth they have to people I know and sometimes myself. The author also blended some memoir and personal revelations in there to good effect (if you enjoy this kind of thing like I do, you might really like “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is to my read the height of this possibilities of this blend). I can imagine for women in the audience I mentioned that the validation about how in patriarchal
culture parenthood is a major site of gender emergence and enforcement would be affirming. The value here is in saying very plainly things that our culture prefers to keep hidden: the deep and seismic life change of motherhood is very often a pretty bad time that is really hard on women and the marriages they once knew. And I found it resonant even as someone who for a variety of reasons has had a more nuanced experience. I thought the author was right to try to consider a couple as a whole and
her insights about how postpartum mood disorders are hardly a personal problem but rather a whole family system problem were a refreshing point of view I have not seen elsewhere. There was a surprising thread focused on mindfulness that I enjoyed. If I took one thing I liked from this book it is that expectations are the root of so much suffering in motherhood in part because my generation spends so much time listening to Instagram experts and parenting books instead of our own inner
knowing with some support from say, a trusted elder and a pediatrician and let me tell you, this way lies hell. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be an expert on every stage of child development. What we expect from ourselves with basically no cultural or social support structures as our grandmothers knew them is wild as hell and it’s impossible. Enough! I also enjoyed the discussion of guilt and how it is experienced through the lens of gender. There were some very moving
and beautiful portions at the close of the book about how motherhood not only destabilizes marriages and a sense of self but also expands the same in ways that are probably only apparent with some distance. I found this very touching. The author is at her best when showing vulnerability. So why didn’t I love it? Well, it wasn't written for my life situation, and that's okay. I still found a lot to appreciate. However, there were a couple problems I had with the book that felt more serious
than "this doesn't apply to me." First, there was an infuriating chapter on birth that was poorly researched and used the Business of Being Born as a completely serious footnote. Yikes! Skip it no matter who you are but definitely if you had a traumatic birth. The author wants to treat this audience with care, but falls far short of writing about this painful subject with an objective and kind point of view. I think she puts too much emphasis on physiologic birth because this was her
experience. She is correct, however, in pointing out how the memory of birth lives on for the birthing person long, long after the day passes, and that there is little attention to the importance of telling the birth story as a means of emotional healing. For a better researched resource on this subject (obstetric violence, etc), seek out Evidence Based Birth (an org with classes, a podcast, etc) or the book “Babies Aren’t Pizzas.” The medicalization of birth may be a problem, but the cult of
zero-intervention birth is hardly better from where I'm sitting. Most of us live in the vast universe between Ina May Gaskin and elective belly birth and you will not find help with processing how your attempts to find that middle ground may have foundered through no fault of your own here. Finally, I felt uncomfortable at times with the author’s way of writing about her subjective experiences of others, probably most particularly one of her children. She anticipates my discomfort and
tries to address it, but it didn’t land for me. Some of her ways of seeing her clients felt similar. The bottom line is that she shared anecdotes from which I seemed to draw very different conclusions than the narrative of the book (about the motives, needs, etc of those involved). I did enjoy that, though, because it gave me a chance to ask myself honestly why I didn’t like how something was framed. I felt that was a worthy pursuit and helped me integrate my own ideas.
Six stars!!! Where was this book when I needed it in 2008??!! So glad it exists now! For me, it validated so many of my feelings when I became a mother and it helped me see my experiences as normal and understand them more fully (in hindsight). The fact is that motherhood majorly changes your life and your other relationships and having realistic expectations about what that might look like and how it might make you and your partner feel is SO important. This is an excellent book and I think eve Six stars!!! Where was this book when I needed it in 2008??!! So glad it exists now! For me, it validated so many of my feelings when I became a mother and it helped me see my experiences as normal and understand them more fully (in hindsight). The fact is that motherhood majorly changes your life and your other relationships and having realistic expectations about what that might look like and how it might make you and your partner feel is SO important. This is an excellent book and I think every pregnant woman should read it alongside “What To Expect…” and other typical pregnancy books. ...more
Great food for thought This book is truly great to learn about all the changes that happen with women and the marriage after
having the kids and it helps to name and normalise the range of emotions that you might have.
I found the crux of this book reassuring. The language of recovery always interests me, but her grounded view of how children impact marriage and identity still surprised and comforted me. The different lives of clients entertain and convince. I enjoyed her epigraphs and philosophy. They remind me of Existentialism: illusions abound--disillusionment pains but improves existence.
Jan 05, 2020 Emily rated it it was amazing Highly recommend this to expecting or new moms, especially who are married. I felt like I was experiencing the benefits of being in the room with Dr. Millwood through reading. She really gave me vocabulary to express some of my fears about motherhood, while also encouraging me to hold that in tension with the ensuing excitement and transformation, rather than hiding them out of shame or guilt. She explores motherhood and marriage both from her experience as a therapist and through her own experi Highly recommend this to expecting or new moms, especially who are married. I felt like I was experiencing the benefits of being in the room with Dr. Millwood through reading. She really gave me vocabulary to express some of my fears about motherhood, while also encouraging me to hold that in tension with the ensuing excitement and transformation, rather than hiding them out of shame or guilt. She explores motherhood and marriage both from her experience as a therapist and through her own experience, and her expertise coupled with her honesty is encouraging and enlightening. ...more
Oct 08, 2021 Linda rated it it was amazing This book felt like a hug. I wish I'd had it right after my first
daughter was born, although I'm not sure I'd have appreciated it as much as I do now. I'd highly recommend to any moms—especially new moms or moms who have dealt anxiety, depression or loss of identity. Basically all moms. I'd highly recommend to any moms—especially new moms or moms who have
dealt anxiety, depression or loss of identity. Basically all moms.
Aug 04, 2022 Jen Z rated it really liked it I listened to this as an audiobook which I found quite challenging. I think it would have been easier for me to read.
Oct 19, 2022 Anna rated it liked it Alternatively insightful and infuriating. Some thoughtful reflections on PPD, mom guilt, and marital strain during early motherhood, but they’re interspersed with deeply unhelpful and unscientific demonizations of epidurals, c-sections, and sleep training.
Aug 05, 2022 Erica rated it it was amazing This wonderful book was recommended to me after I had my first child, and the fact that I didn't finish it until I was home on maternity leave with my second...dovetails nicely into many of the points this book makes. Part personal story, part scientific exploration of
what happens inside women's brains when they become mothers (the author early on notes the limits of her book, having contextualized it within the female experience in a heterosexual committed partnership) this book offers some art Part personal story, part scientific exploration of what happens inside women's brains when they become mothers (the author early on notes the limits of her book, having contextualized it within the female experience in a heterosexual committed partnership) this book offers some articulate points on what changes, psychologically. Millwood shares her personal experiences, as well as composites of patients she has worked with to paint a picture of motherhood that is so different from the
one most women hear. It talks frankly about the grief women do not allow themselves to feel, resentment that gets projected onto their partners because it is shameful to resent a baby, and fleeting joy that nonetheless creates a "fog of happiness" when you look back on it. This book had lines that spoke to me deeply, and gave me courage to speak more freely with my friends who are mothers, as well as the support system I have in my own life. It offers statistics and personal narrative in a
nice mix, and an engaging style. It is a book that ought to be recommended to any woman about to become a mother, or one in the fog of early motherhood. The later chapters brought joy of things that continue to change, and it was entertaining that she admits to finishing this book a decade after she was a "new" mother. Ain't that motherhood? ;)
Apr 02, 2019 Sofia Aluma rated it it was amazing This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. I loved this book. Millwood tries to bring light to a topic not often talked about in motherhood: and that is the challenges with initial change, chaos, and possible disappointments that come with the first years of parenting. I love it’s underlying message as it’s at its core very spiritual: in expectation and contemplation for what should and could be, there is heartache. In the open mind toward the present moment, there is an opportunity for contentment and limitless love. Related ArticlesNew year, new you! Or perhaps the same you, but a 2.0 version? The start of a new year is known for resolutions, which, as we all know,... “When expectations are not met (as invariably happens), the search for the right solution begins; in turn, this search adds an unnecessary layer of suffering to what would otherwise be just the pain of motherhood. First we find that motherhood is far more difficult than we thought it would be, then we observe (incorrectly) that every other mother seems to be sailing along just fine, and finally we conclude (at great cost to our self-esteem) that we are doing something wrong. The sense that what we’re doing isn’t the right thing to do, or that what we’re feeling isn’t the right way to feel, leaves us feeling inadequate, or worse. Meanwhile, we’re expending precious energy attempting to pinpoint what it is we should be doing differently to make our babies fit the mold and adhere to expectations of development or internal visions of how things should be.” — 0 likes “When expectations are not met (as invariably happens), the search for the right solution begins; in turn, this search adds an unnecessary layer of suffering to what would otherwise be just the pain of motherhood. First we find that motherhood is far more difficult than we thought it would be, then we observe (incorrectly) that every other mother seems to be sailing along just fine, and finally we conclude (at great cost to our self-esteem) that we are doing something wrong. The sense that what we’re doing isn’t the right thing to do, or that what we’re feeling isn’t the right way to feel, leaves us feeling inadequate, or worse. Meanwhile, we’re expending precious energy attempting to pinpoint what it is we should be doing differently to make our babies fit the mold and adhere to expectations of development or internal visions of how things should be. Without the extra layers of suffering caused by unmet expectations, our misguided attempts to deny or suppress our feelings, and our self-critical interpretative frames, we would simply feel the pain. Of sleep deprivation. Of missing our old lives. Of not having enough time for ourselves. These things are all painful, but pain is far more tolerable than suffering.” — 0 likes More quotes…Welcome back. Just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account. |
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