What does it mean if someone doesnt say I love you back?

Illustration: J.V. Aranda

Welcome to It’s Complicated, stories on the sometimes frustrating, sometimes confusing, always engrossing subject of modern relationships. (Want to share yours? Email pitches to .)

A couple of months ago, I was on the phone with a police officer. I’d called the non-emergency number to report a minor situation, and after I gave him all my details, he said, “Alright ma’am, we’ll call you if we need any more information.”

“Okay, thanks,” I said. “I love you.”

Silence.

“Umm,” I laughed nervously. “I mean, bye.”

It was not the first time I’ve accidentally told a complete stranger I love them, and it probably won’t be the last. It’s just habit: I say “I love you” a lot. I say it to my friends when we’re hugging good-bye in the parking lots of bars and coffee shops. I group text it to my loved ones whenever I’m on a plane that’s about to take off. I use it to end every phone conversation, however inconsequential, with my parents, aunts, grandparents. My sister and I joke that we say it so often it’s almost like one polysyllabic word: “okloveyoubye.”

I’ve always been this way. I grew up in a house where we said “I love you” every night before bed and every morning before school. As a teenager, I never once left the house without telling my mom I loved her, and even now, when so many of our conversations eventually turn into fights, I still say “I love you” before angrily hanging up on her.

But for the last five years, I have lived with a man who almost never says “I love you.” Our relationship progression has been pretty typical — lots of passion and butterflies in the beginning, giving way imperceptibly over a couple of years to a comfortable, worn-in kind of happiness. We have fights and we have fun, and I say “I love you” every morning before he goes to work, every time I call to ask if he’ll pick up dog food on his way home, and before I go to the gym or run to the store for potatoes. But after almost 2,000 days of sharing a life with this man, I can count on my hands the number of times he’s said it back.

It bothers me. Of course it bothers me. Sometimes I try to ignore it, or joke that I’m dating Han Solo. Other days, when I’m feeling particularly fragile, his silence sends me into a tailspin: Does he love me? Is he in love with me? Is this relationship going anywhere? An “I love you, too!” doesn’t seem like a lot to ask for, especially when we’ve been together for most of my 20s.

It turns out my predicament is a fairly common one. Researchers have found that in heterosexual relationships, men tend to be the first to say “I love you,” but it’s women who profess their love more often. In a 2006 study by the International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 37.7 percent of women said they frequently tell their partner, “I love you,” while only 18.8 percent of men said the same. On the other end of the spectrum, 31.3 percent of men reported that they used the phrase rarely, and 12.5 percent never said it at all; for women, those numbers were 14.8 percent and zero. Psychologists have also long understood that women are more likely than men to self-disclose — meaning talk about their feelings. A number of other studies have reached similar conclusions: In general, women find it easier to express themselves emotionally, whether they’re talking to a spouse or romantic partner, a family member, a friend or even a complete stranger.

It’s also normal to say — and hear — those “magic words” less often over time. In 2014, market-research firm YouGov surveyed more than 2,000 British adults on the subject of love and emotional expression, and found that only 33 percent of couples who’ve been together a decade or more said “I love you” every day. In relationships that have lasted 50 years, daily “I love you” usage dropped to 18 percent.

That doesn’t mean love can’t stand the test of time, says emotions researcher Aaron Ben-Zeév, founder of the Interdisciplinary Center for the Study of Emotions at the University of Haifa and author of In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims.

“I make the distinction between romantic intensity and romantic profundity,” Ben-Zeév says. As romantic intensity is diminished over time, he explains, profundity grows, and it’s evidenced not by how often your partner says, “I love you,” but the ways in which they show it.

“As people say, ‘Talk is cheap,’” he says. “Words are easy, and often they don’t carry a profound meaning. What is important is whether you feel in his behavior and actions that he loves you. It’s about his attitude toward you, and the activities you do together. Whether he wants to be with you, do things with you, know your values and adopt some of those values.”

When I tell Ben-Zeév about my “I love you” habit, he lets me know, in no uncertain terms, that I’ve been doing it wrong.

“You should say ‘I love you.’ Even though he knows you love him, and you know he loves you, still it is good to say it,” Ben-Zeév says. “But if you say it all the time, it is meaningless. You can’t use it like hello or good-bye. You must be more selective if you want it to mean anything, if you are trying to express the profundity.”

It’s a curious experience to be admonished by a veritable love doctor. I hadn’t considered that I might be contributing to my own frustration. I was so caught up in my boyfriend’s silence after I said “I love you,” that I’d missed all the other ways he was telling me.

So I started paying closer attention, and I began to hear it all the time: After I spent days trying to master homemade tortillas, he showed up with a cast iron press that makes them perfect. When I went camping in Utah with a girlfriend, he packed and repacked my suitcase with two sleeping bags, a thick insulated liner, and a thermal pad. It weighed a million pounds, but he was determined I’d stay warm.  On a recent Saturday morning when a combination of congestion and Nyquil made me sleep through the alarm, he woke me up at noon. “Hey, get up,” he said. “I made you coffee and a waffle,” and I heard, “I’ll take care of you because I love you.”

I still say “ I love you” a lot, but I’m trying to be more careful with it, to make sure that it carries weight. And I’m also trying to be less devastated when my boyfriend says, “I know,” or “Thank you,” or nothing at all in response. Instead, I’m filling that space with all the little things he does and says. Most of them are mundane, but when I add them all up, they feel like something profound.

Learning to Live With a Partner Who Never Says ‘I Love You’

Being told “I love you” is a wonderful thing. It is reassuring, it is warming and it lets you know how your partner feels.

But what happens when he stops saying I love you? Does it mean that he has stopped loving you, or does it mean that there are other problems in your relationship?

To make you feel at ease, and to try to figure out exactly what is going on, here is what it might mean if he stops saying “I love you”.

First of all, it’s very easy to say ‘he doesn’t say it because he doesn’t feel it!’ and that was my knee-jerk reaction.

But there can be other reasons to why your boyfriend no longer says I love you.

Also, there is a very big difference in a man who isn’t saying those beautiful three words much anymore and one who is silent when you tell him you love him.

If you say “I love you” does he say nothing? Silence? Changes the subject? That’s a big red flag and one I wouldn’t ignore.

Now, if he’s just not saying I love you when hanging up anymore, that’s much less dramatic and can mean absolutely nothing.

It’s only natural to become more comfortable with your partner the longer you’re dating them and the sweet gestures like flowers and ‘I love you’s fall through the cracks.

As always, I think you should trust your gut instinct. But your genuine gut, not the excuses and rose-colored glasses we put on for men.

Do you think there’s something more going on? Go through this list and see if any of these possible reasons he stopped saying I love you resonate with you and your relationship…

Possible Reasons He Stopped Saying I Love You

He Is Comfortable With You

The simplest and best reason he might not be saying I love you anymore is that he is comfortable in your relationship, maybe too comfortable, and it just does not cross his mind to say it to you.

He might just assume that you already know how he feels, and because of this, he doesn’t see any need to repeatedly tell you. This is understandable, but relationships do take constant work, and becoming too comfortable can have an effect on your relationship.

If you think that this might be the case, and there are no other issues in your relationship, then you should sit him down and talk to him.

He might not even notice that he has stopped saying “I love you”, and a simple reminder can get things back on track!

He Is Unsure Of Your Relationship

If you have noticed that your partner has stopped saying “I love you”, even when you say it first, it could be that he is unsure of your relationship, and he doesn’t want to keep on saying it back or saying it first, to give you false hope that the relationship is heading in the right direction.

This is good in a way, as it does cause you to take a step back and have a look at the relationship.

Even though it can be really difficult to deal with, you might notice some toxic or unhealthy behavior in the relationship, and it might be worth evaluating things.

If not, and if he is just feeling unsure, it is still something you should talk about, as you both deserve to know where you stand in your relationship.

Make a point of working out whether there is a future for the both of you or not, and if there is a way to rekindle your love.

He Has Fallen Out Of Love

Life is unpredictable, and relationships can be just as unpredictable. People fall out of love, it just happens. Often we have no control over this, whether you are the one falling out of love, or your partner loses his love for you.

He might not be saying that he loves you anymore because he just doesn’t. He isn’t unsure, he just has fallen out of love with you and it is not much you can do about it.

Yes, you can try and ignite the spark again, but give yourself enough respect to not stay in a relationship where you are always trying to make things work, and where you are not getting anything back from your partner.

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He Is Stressed

There might be added stress in his life that you do not know about, either at work or in his personal life.

This stress might be overtaking a lot of his thoughts and be quite overwhelming, and telling you “I love you”, might be the last thing on his mind at the moment.

All of this stress could be causing him to become fairly distant from you. The last thing you would want to do is add more pressure to his life, but you do deserve to know why his behavior has changed, and if there is anything else going on in the relationship.

He Is Seeing Someone Else

Now this is something that you should not immediately jump to – jumping to conclusions can cause a huge rift in your relationship, and you should be fairly sure before approaching him with this.

A reason that he is not saying “I love you” might be because he is seeing someone else, and he either doesn’t love you anymore, or his guilt is preventing him from saying it to you.

This is obviously something that nobody wants to go through in their relationship, but it is something that does happen. Look for other signs that he might be seeing someone else. Does he hide his phone from you? Is he more secretive about where he is and what he has been doing?

There are a few signs to look for that he might be seeing someone else, and keep an eye out for these before sitting him down and talking to him about this.

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What To Do When He Stops Saying I Love You

Reignite The Spark

Relationships, especially those that have lasted many years, tend to plateau out into a comfort zone, where both partners carry on with their day and routine much the same as always.

This can cause the spark in your relationship to dwindle down, and this could cause both of you to lose that lovey-dovey feeling towards each other.

Women are often more sensitive and affectionate, and we would most likely pick up on this quicker than the male in the relationship.

This dwindled-down spark might be what is causing him to stop expressing his love to you, but there is a good chance that that spark can be reignited again!

Talk to him about this, go out on dates and look for ways that you can feel that love and passion towards each other again.

Speak To Your Partner

The best thing you can do in this situation is to speak to your partner about why he has stopped saying “I love you”. There might be a very plausible, non-alarming reason for it, but there is a chance that it could signify other issues in your relationship.

Either way, you deserve to know why he has stopped showing his love. Sit down and calmly talk to him to find out what might be wrong!

Give Him Space

Unfortunately, a lot of men don’t respond to words.

What they respond to is less contact. Now, I’m not saying don’t talk to him at all.

But if he’s not treating you how you want to be treated and you’ve already communicated your concerns (with no change on his part), it’s time to get some space.

Having the same talk, nagging, and just annoying him won’t get you anywhere. But you know what will? Distance.

Start doing your own things. Be less available. And when he does come around, is affectionate again, compliment his good behavior.

“I love when you remember the little things” or “I love how affectionate you have been these past couple of days.”

Always give compliments and reinforce the good things your boyfriend does but retract and give him less attention when he isn’t being so loving.

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