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Ask anyone about love and they'll give you an opinion: It's written in the stars. It's succulent, a rose. It's delightful, de-lovely... unless it's a battlefield. In any event, it's one hell of a feeling, right? We might want to rethink that, says Harville Hendrix, PhD, a groundbreaking marital therapist. Not only isn't love a feeling—love isn't even an it. "Real love," says Hendrix, looking slightly professorial in a plum-colored sweater, "is a verb. It's a behavior in which the welfare of another person is the primary intention and goal." While he speaks, his wife, Helen Hunt (not that Helen Hunt—this one helps run their seminars and has coauthored several books with him), listens intently (she and Hendrix were "the living laboratory" for their theories, she interjects) and occasionally touches his arm. "Love as a feeling is ephemeral and goes away when circumstances change," Hendrix says. "Love as a verb isn't dependent on how you feel or even what you think. Instead you make an unconditional commitment to the other person." As for those who believe you have to merit love (they include no lesser minds than William Butler Yeats, as well as enrollees in the School of Tit for Tat: You know who you are), Hendrix begs to differ. "You can't earn real love," he says. "It's not subject to how good you are or whether you're pleasing to your partner all the time. So there's a kind of detachment—you simply hold your partner's experience when they're going through changing emotions. You can ask, 'Is the experience you're having right now somehow triggered by me?' Sometimes it's not. People can have stresses you don't know about. But if it is, then you can follow up with, 'What relational transactions are stirring up your discomfort with me?' The point is, you're committed to what is real. Namely, your partner. But most of us 'love' an image rather than the real person." He pauses, then looks at his wife. "What would you add to that, Helen?" "Well, I would say real love is about going to a different destination," she says, giving the conversation a quarter turn with a certain exuberant sweetness. "You become conscious that there is a space between the two of you, and that's where the relationship resides." "That really needs to be amplified," he says, "The between-ness is the locale of love. It's outside us." That's why the proverbial urge to merge is, according to Hendrix, an itch best left unscratched. "In 'romantic' love, you think, My lover and I are one. Technically, we call this symbiotic fusion, which means: You live in my world; therefore, if I like chocolate, you like chocolate. In real love, your partner is clearly differentiated from you. It's an altered state of consciousness to know that you live with another person—that other people exist who do not match your inner image of them." With this deep level of acknowledgment—this ticket to what Hunt calls the new country—comes an end to judgment. That's not to say you wake up delighted by all of your beloved's previously irksome habits. But rather than blame, Hendrix says, you can state directly and kindly what you want ("I would like to meet you at 7"), protect yourself (by, say, deciding to hook up indoors rather than on a corner in subzero weather), and try to understand what's going on inside your partner's head. Even when there's a breach of trust—infidelity, for instance—Hendrix and Hunt caution against a quick split. Instead, says Hunt, "you have to get curious with your partner about why they're doing whatever they're doing. Ask—then stop talking and stop judging, and become a safe person to confide in. The sense of judgment and criticism is what can make our partners feel like such a failure that they seek another avenue to express their passion."
Next: Why there's no such thing as "constructive criticism" when it comes to love
Hendrix believes most unions are salvageable and divorce can be "an abortion of the growth process." That's because we're invariably drawn to a partner who in some way resembles one of our primary childhood caretakers, and it's only in the adult relationship that we can complete unfinished business and heal our oldest wounds. To break off a marriage without resolving the underlying conflicts and power struggles—and understanding your role in them—is, he feels, to set yourself up to repeat the same pattern in your next love affair. He concedes almost reluctantly that, in some cases, a couple can decide that they're moving in different directions, with different values. "It might no longer make sense for two people to spend their lives together," he says, "but that doesn't necessarily end the love they have for each other. It just ends the relationship." No matter what the circumstances, the one thing you should never do, Hendrix and Hunt say, is find fault. Raise the notion of constructive criticism and they laugh ruefully. "That's very dangerous," Hunt says. "It's an invitation for self-righteousness." "Criticism is abuse," Hendrix says. "There's no way around it. Because it means, 'You're not good, you're not right, something's wrong with you, and I'm trying to fix it.'" What your partner needs more than anything is simply to feel validated, in large part because most of us grew up feeling that love was conditional on meeting someone else's expectations. Having weathered a crisis in their own marriage (they've been together for 26 years but got to real love only in the past five or six, they agree), Hendrix and Hunt know how much work—even pain—is involved. "My empathy and patience for the people I counsel have changed," Hendrix says. "Something I've learned is that real love is counterinstinctual. We're designed as creatures to protect ourselves and to survive, and therefore we go after what we need. But with real love, you commit to the survival of the other person. And that has a paradoxical effect: Your survival is secured because when you surrender your focus on getting your own needs met, your relationship with your partner will change. It's not manipulative—you're genuinely caring for your partner, who knows it. Helen and I still have our differences, but they're like a ripple on the surface of an ocean. It touches me even to think about it, that I feel so safe and valued. "In courtship," he says, "you're trying to win the partner, keep the partner, stir up passion. With real love, the behaviors look the same but they arise out of the depth of the relationship and are expressed as a sense of gratitude. They come from within to reflect a state of being rather than to generate emotions." Hunt weighs in: "You have both learned to create the sacred space between two people." "When you read, 'Here's what to do to get your man to stay,' or to love you, there's an outcome you want," Hendrix says. "In real love, you're already in the outcome."
More on Love and Relationships
From the February 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Defining the characteristics of real love can be difficult as it takes many forms. You form this pure and innocent bond with your nearest and dearest ones.
However, lately, we seem to have lost the meaning of this emotion. Sadly, so many people are now out of touch with their souls that confuse negative emotions like possessiveness and jealousy with love. The meaning of genuine love lies beyond such emotions. True love and affection are life-changing experiences for anyone who has experienced them. There is no limit to what they can do to your soul, mind, and body. As a result, we end up pinning for love all our lives.
If you are confused about whether a deep-seated affection for someone is love or not, we have what you need. Take a look at this list to understand what true love means. Keep scrolling!
- What Is True Love?
- Frequently Asked Questions
Though it is pretty self-explanatory, many people find it difficult to understand what unconditional love really means. Honest love is always unconditional. When you can love a person completely without expecting anything from them, it is unconditional love. In fact, you may not even expect love and attention from them in return. You are simply grateful to the universe for their presence in your life.
While people may at times behave inherently selfish to survive in this difficult world, this does not serve you well where love is concerned. If you don’t instinctively feel like putting the other person before you, it is a relationship of convenience, not love. When you fall in true love, you genuinely care about the other person’s happiness even more than your own and will go to any lengths to make them feel valued.
3. Love Means Never Having To Be Bound To Expectations
Sure, we all want others to behave the way we expect them to. We want them to be more caring, more affectionate, more outgoing, smarter, more ambitious, or more attentive. But, all of these are expectations. Expectations are nothing but your requirements for loving someone, which is contrary to what true love is. Real love has no expectations. The focus is on you loving them, and that is enough for you.
4. Love Means Letting Go Gracefully
Love does not require possession and has no room for jealousy. It allows people to be free. It does not require holding on tightly and crushing a person’s wings in an attempt to keep them close. True love does not want to own, but to nurture.
5. Love Is Synonymous With Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand a situation from another person’s point of view. Love has deep empathy. If you truly love someone, the thought of hurting them will practically crush you. You can’t bear the thought of them being sad or hurt. You want them to feel good and be happy and prosperous.
6. Love Means Being A Part Of A Team
True love is nothing but perfect teamwork. You need to know when to take control and when to fall back and allow your partner to take over. When two people truly love each other, their strengths (and weaknesses) come together and help them work like a team. They know when to be quiet and when to say the things that are required to be said. Their goal is to work together like a perfectly tuned instrument to achieve their goals.
If you’re interested in building a prosperous relationship with your partner, check out this course from mindbodygreen.com! Aptly named How To Have The Greatest Relationship Of Your Life, this instructional video class is designed to help you create a meaningful and sustainable relationship. It will help you find loving ways to communicate with your partner and find true love with each other. Check it out here!
7. Love Makes You Feel Content, Not Anxious
Many people think being in a relationship equals love, but sadly, that is not the case. Just because you are in a relationship does not necessarily mean there is true love between you two. If there is constant fighting, jealousy, possessiveness, or verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, that is not love.
8. Love Understands And Accepts Differences
We are all different. Even identical twins are not identical! We all have different experiences that shape our perception of the world. Real love does not consider other people wrong just for being different. When you truly love someone, you accept their differences.
9. Love Means Growing Together
True love always results in personal and spiritual growth. It is a natural process that is essential for getting closer to your true self. Every living thing needs to grow to survive – plants, animals, and human beings. It promotes natural growth that fills our life with happiness and fearlessness.
10. Love Does Not Recognize Ego
Where there is love, there is no ego. This is not about the fights – every couple fights, whether they are in love or not. It is about making up. It is about finding it hard to be apart from each other, no matter who is at fault. It is about fighting for each other, not against each other.
11. Love Means Having Mutual Respect
It is very important to have genuine respect for one another to sustain true love. Otherwise, you will get judgmental and dissatisfied. Mutual respect can only develop from giving each other space for personal growth and never ever crossing the line, no matter what happens.
12. Love Heals
Love heals. No matter how deeply you have been hurt, the power of true love can heal you and help you find happiness again (1). Love makes you feel safe and protected. You feel at peace with yourself and the world. When you are in love, you feel at home with your loved one, no matter where you are.
13. Love Provides Companionship
As humans, we seek companionship and nothing but support from our partners. Lovers stay by each other’s sides no matter what and through thick and thin – for life. True love celebrates the good times and provides a shoulder to cry on during the bad times.
You only find true love when you are at peace with yourself. You can’t find love or happiness by chasing people or emotionally blackmailing them to be with you. It comes when you are completely comfortable in your own skin and grateful for the little things in life.
Decoding love has been the subject of many literary and artistic creations. For centuries, humankind has pondered over the characteristics of real love and has come up with nuggets of insight. True love entails putting the other person’s needs above your own and being empathetic towards them. Real love is all-encompassing and makes you feel peaceful and content. Furthermore, it does not allow space for negative emotions like jealousy and ego. So, if you are in true love with someone, you will unconditionally honor and care for them.
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes a man fall deeply in love with a woman?
Emotional security, a sense of attachment, and support from a woman make the man fall for that woman. A man appreciates a considerate woman and may get attracted to those with shared values. However, these preferences may vary from person to person.
- True love can be life-changing and enriching for your soul.
- Real love does not judge someone just because they are different – it celebrates their uniqueness.
- True love is unconditional – it has no expectations, it makes you feel content, and it helps you heal and grow.
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Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Family Business Consultant. She holds degrees in Marriage &... more