The best-selling relationship advice book gets put to the test.
Medically Reviewed by Carol DerSarkissian, MD on March 09, 2022
After 30 years as a marriage and family counselor, Gary Chapman, PhD had heard a lot of couples' complaints -- so many, in fact, that he began to see a pattern. "I realized I was hearing the same stories over and over again," he says. When Chapman sat down and read through more than a decade worth of notes, he realized that what couples really wanted from each other fell into five distinct categories: "I really do feel that these five appear to be rather fundamental in terms of ways to express love to people," says Chapman, the director of Marriage & Family Life Consultants, Inc. in Winston-Salem, N.C. Chapman termed these five categories "love languages" and turned the idea into a book, The 5 Love Languages, which went on to become a huge bestseller. Chapman says that learning each other's love language can help couples express their emotions in a way that's "deeply meaningful" to one another. It's an approach that makes sense, says Julie Nise, MA, LPC, LMFT, a marriage coach at the Aim Counseling Center in Houston and author of 4 Weeks to a Happier Relationship. "In my experience, an understanding of your partner's perspective (whether or not you agree with it) is what's most lacking in troubled marriages," she says. The main thing, Nise says, "is to, on a daily basis, do your utmost best to really know how your partner feels and what they truly think about the issue. If you devote yourself to understanding their perspective ... things will go a lot smoother and solutions often become obvious." In the book, Chapman claims his technique has the potential to save "thousands of marriages." He says his 5 Love Languages can also help generally good marriages that just need a little tweaking. Like mine. I thought I'd put his strategy to the test.
My husband and I have been married for many ears, and I think overall we have a pretty good relationship. It's not perfect, though. ILittle things can push our buttons. For instance, I get annoyed when he lets the trash cans overflow, and he gets irritated with the sloppy way I load the dishwasher. Often we get so preoccupied with work and parenting that intimacy and romance are thrown on the back burner. Although I'm generally skeptical about any technique that purports to fix my marriage, I figured there's always room for improvement. So my husband and I set about learning each other's love languages. According to Chapman, discovering your partner's love language requires some careful thought and observation. You need to ask, "What's most important to me?" and "What does my spouse seem to request most often in the relationship?" "How do they respond to other people and how do they respond to you? If they always give you words of affirmation, that's probably their love language," he says. You also need to listen carefully to your partner's criticisms. "We often get defensive," Chapman says, "but they're really giving us valuable information. If they're complaining about something, that very likely is their love language." In other words, if your partner is always commenting that you never do the cooking, they're probably an "acts of service" person. My husband and I thought about what we wanted most from each other. We realized that all the best times in our relationship -- the moments we went back to again and again -- were the times we spent alone as a couple. Our honeymoon in Fiji. The vacation when we got snowed in at a mountain resort. Our trip to London and Paris. We were pretty sure we knew where this was headed, but we took Chapman's Love Languages online quiz to check. As we suspected, my husband and I share a common love language: quality time. That doesn't mean words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and the other two love languages aren't important to us. It's just that quality time is our primary love language. "You can receive love in all five languages," Chapman says. "If you speak the primary language adequately, then [when] you sprinkle in the others, it's like icing on the cake."
Having the same love language made it easier for my husband and me to relate to one another, but it didn't solve our time crunch. How could we find quality time for each other when we could barely find time for ourselves, and everything else in our busy lives? Being busy is no excuse, Chapman says. No matter what a couple's love language is, it takes time to accommodate. "If we understand the importance of keeping the love alive in a relationship, then we need to make time to do it," he says. "You put it into your schedule, just like you do everything else.” Nise stresses that making quality time for one another doesn't have to take lots of time. It can be as quick and easy as getting a cup of coffee and talking for a few minutes, as long as it's focused attention. "You should always have couple time," she says. "You just need to do stuff together." So what would we do together? At first we couldn't agree. I suggested something romantic, like reading poetry. My husband voted for taking a shower together. Obviously, we needed to find compatible activities. Finally, we settled on seven things to do together -- one for each day of the assignment.
One day we spent nearly an hour wandering through the aisles of exotic foods at a local farmers market. The next day we went antiquing. We hired a babysitter one night and talked over glasses of wine at our favorite date-night bar/restaurant.
We soon realized that we didn't need to go out on an official date to spend quality time together. After our son went to bed, instead of sitting side-by-side watching some mindless TV show, we switched off the screen and talked. We discussed issues that were important to us -- what we loved about each other and what we felt was lacking in our marriage.
Being able to focus on each other brought back feelings and emotions that hadn't surfaced since the early days of our relationship B.C. (before children). We opened up to each other in a way we hadn't done in years.
I tried to focus not just on my husband's primary love language, but also on his other love languages, which included physical touch. Instead of wearily giving him the "I'm too tired" brush-off, I started making the first move. My efforts were sincerely appreciated. At the end of each day, we followed Chapman's advice and did what's called a "tank check." We asked each other, "On a scale of zero to 10, how is your love tank tonight?" "Love tank" is Chapman's metaphor for how much love each person is feeling. If your love tank isn't full, your spouse asks how he or she can fill it. Every time my husband and I asked each other that week, our love tanks were full. Now we just had to figure out how to keep them that way. With a minimum of effort, couples can continue to speak each other's love language. It takes just a few minutes each day to find out what your partner needs. Then you try to meet that need. Chapman says his Five Love Languages won't solve every problem in a couple, but they will address the fundamental emotional needs at play. "If that need is met, you're more likely to be able to deal with the other issues in the marriage," he says. "This is just another tool to help you enhance the relationship, and particularly to enhance the emotional part of the relationship." Nise agrees that Chapman's approach can have a positive impact. "You can't go wrong with doing a bunch of nice things for your spouse," she says. "And clearly, it works." It seems to be working for my husband and me. Our love tanks are staying pretty full these days.
Medically reviewed by Lori Lawrenz, PsyD — Written by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst on March 31, 2022
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Do you have a friend who says they’d take a clean kitchen over flowers any day when you’d prefer a little romance? That right there is a basic example of different love languages.
We all express and receive love differently and those differences could be the reason why feelings and good intentions sometimes get lost in translation.
For example, you spend weeks trying to find a partner the most amazing gift ever, but come their birthday they respond with “I would’ve been happy just ordering in and then snuggling up on the couch together.”
It’s not necessarily that they’re ungrateful or that you messed up. They just communicate their love differently — or have a different love language.
Recognizing how you and a partner like to receive and express love could lead to more thoughtful connections and a healthy relationship — not to mention less explosive birthdays and Valentines.
There are five love languages as first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages.”
The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
FYI, love languages don’t just apply to romantic relationships. They can be helpful in your platonic relationships, too. (We’ll get into that and more in a sec.)
The first love language is words of affirmation, and it’s all about expressing affection and appreciation through words, be it spoken, written, in texts, or all of the above.
This may be one of your love languages if you thrive on:
- being told that you’re appreciated
- hearing “I love you” often
- receiving words of encouragement
The key to using words of affirmation is to be your authentic self and express them often. If you have trouble expressing yourself out loud, write a note or send a text. What matters is that you acknowledge them through words.
For a partner, it could mean telling them you love them more often or checking in throughout the day to tell them you’re thinking of them. For a friend, words of affirmation could mean a text to say “You’ll be great!” before a job interview or complimenting them on their outfit.
Here are some examples of words of affirmation you can use in romantic or platonic relationships:
- “I love you.”
- “Our friendship is important to me.”
- “You got this.”
- “I’m so proud of you.”
- “Thank you for loving me/doing all that you do/being my friend/etc.”
Quality time is the second love language and it’s precisely what you think: appreciating spending quality time together.
A person whose love language is quality time may feel most loved and appreciated when people they care about make time to be together and give their undivided attention.
Quality time may be one of your love languages if:
- You feel disconnected when you don’t spend enough time with a partner.
- Not spending enough time with your partner(s) affects your libido.
- You work hard at making time to spend with others.
Quality time looks different to everyone. Some people value a few minutes of dedicated time to just sit and relax together at the end of the day. For others, quality time means setting aside time to enjoy activities together.
No matter what you’re doing, quality time requires being completely present and free of distractions.
Here are some examples of expressing your love through quality time:
- Cuddling together in bed for a few minutes every morning before getting up.
- Making a point of having a date night every week.
- Scheduling time to hang with your BFF, no matter how busy you both are.
- Turning off your phone when you’re having a conversation or doing something together.
- Creating a ritual, like meeting for lunch once a week or taking a walk after dinner.
Physical touch is the third love language. Let’s be clear that this is appropriate, consensual physical touch, which looks different depending on the situation and the type of relationship you have with the person.
For people whose love language is physical touch, expressing and receiving love through physical contact is important. Touch is the way they connect and feel connected with others.
Physical contact might be your love language if:
- You feel lonely or disconnected when you don’t get physical affection from your partner(s).
- You feel especially loved when a partner randomly kisses you or holds you.
- You consider yourself a “touchy-feely” person and enjoy PDA.
Obviously, the way you can and should touch others really comes down to the relationship you share. Expressing affection through physical touch can happen through small physical gestures, like a hug or snuggling. If appropriate, it can also involve more intimate contact like kissing, and yes, sexual activities.
Here are some examples of expressing love through physical touch:
- Kissing a partner hello and goodbye.
- Being generous with your affection, including in public.
- Spending some time cuddling in bed before and after sleep.
- Prioritizing sex, even if you have to schedule it.
- Using touch when comforting them, such as placing your hand on theirs or holding them.
Again, consent is a must. Only touch someone or use these examples if they’ve conveyed they’re wanted and welcome.
Acts of service is the fourth love language, and this one will resonate if you believe with your heart of hearts that actions always speak louder than words.
By actions, this means doing selfless, thoughtful things for the other person. Remember that these don’t need to be romantic in nature; friends and family relationships can benefit from these acts, too.
These are some signs that acts of service may be your love language:
- You’re over the moon when a partner helps you with a chore without having to be asked.
- You’re the person who shows up for a friend having a bad day.
- You’re always ready to jump in and do things for the people you care about.
Acts of service aren’t about grand gestures, but rather thoughtful gestures that serve them, like pouring them a coffee in the morning, or running an errand for your busy friend or loved one.
Here are examples of ways you can use acts of service to love on others:
- Taking them to dinner without it being a special occasion or asked for.
- Drawing a partner a bubble bath without any sexpectations.
- Offering to babysit for a friend so they can enjoy a much-deserved break.
- Letting them choose which movie to watch, even if it’s “Star Wars” and you hate “Star Wars.”
- Picking up their favorite flowers/soap/wine/chocolate/whatever, just because.
Receiving gifts is the final love language. It needs to be said that this love language is not reserved for the greedy or so-called “gold diggers.”
For someone whose love language is gifts, it goes way beyond just wanting stuff. For this person, it’s all about the meaning behind the gift and the thought that went into it. No diamonds or luxury cars are required.
Signs that receiving gifts is your love language:
- When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift.
- You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small.
- You’re hurt when someone you love doesn’t commemorate an event with a thoughtful token.
Showing love through gifts isn’t about extravagance. A small memento will be just as appreciated because big or small, a gift is a tangible reminder that they were thought of and are loved.
Here are some ways to show love to someone whose love language is receiving gifts:
- Picking up their favorite pastry or candy on your way home.
- Surprising them with flowers — whether store-bought or picked from the side of the road.
- Giving them a thoughtful greeting card just because.
- Bringing your BFF a keepsake from your early friendship, like a picture from your first road trip.
- Choosing gifts that are personal to your relationship. (Think: an inside joke or shared memory or event.)
The five love languages provide a great framework for understanding your relationship(s) and each other, but they don’t necessarily represent exactly how everyone wants to give and show love.
Chances are that you resonate strongly with more than one of the love languages and your partner(s) and other loved ones do, too.
Gender and cultural norms have also shifted quite a bit since the love languages were first introduced, and how we express love and how we want to be loved has shifted right alongside.
While we all have our own ways of expressing love, they don’t necessarily fit neatly into one of the five presets laid out in a time when women were historically more likely to serve and men were better equipped — financially speaking — to give gifts.
If you’re looking for better understanding and communication in a relationship, the original love languages can be a good start, but there are other tools you can use.
A survey by Truity, a company offering personality tests, recently shared their finding of seven love styles based on a survey of over 500,000 people. Consider it an updated framework of the original love languages, plus two extras. You can fill out their online quiz to figure out your styles.
There’s also the Routes of Safety model created by Jake Ernst, MSW, RSW, a Toronto-based psychotherapist, that’s in his words, “trauma-informed” love languages.
Connecting with a relationship counselor is another way to go. You might find it helpful to look into online counseling or in-person therapy.
Everyone has a different way of communicating their love. While you shouldn’t take it as gospel, the love languages could be a helpful starting point on your way to understanding each other better.
Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a Canada-based freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade. When she’s not holed-up in her writing shed researching an article or off interviewing health professionals, she can be found frolicking around her beach town with husband and dogs in tow or splashing about the lake trying to master the stand-up paddle board.
Last medically reviewed on March 31, 2022