Many people crave all the good that comes with being in a loving relationship, like having someone who'll be there through life's ups and downs. But for some people, accepting love isn't always easy. Understanding why people can feel unworthy of love is the first step towards letting go of this toxic thought pattern. Although most people can probably think of a situation where they felt they didn't deserve the love, praise, or compliments others were giving them, if you frequently find yourself feeling inferior to others, or unworthy of love, this is something that shouldn't be brushed under the rug. According to Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, feeling unworthy of a loving relationship is much more common than you might think.
"Many people have the feeling that they are not deserving of romantic love, but this is not a healthy, productive, or useful feeling," Klapow tells Elite Daily. "So while it is common, it is something that needs to be addressed or it will have a negative influence on all your subsequent romantic relationships." Unfortunately, there isn't a quick fix when it comes to dealing with negative emotions — especially when they are the result of childhood baggage or toxic romantic relationships from the past. "Very often it is a combination of our experiences in past romantic relationships, along with our attachment style [that dictates how someone experiences love]," says Klapow. "Our approach to relationships (particularly romantic ones) is most heavily influenced by our developmental attachment experiences as children."
Children who grow up in stable homes have the opportunity to cultivate a healthy attachment style that allows them to give and receive love in functional and sustainable ways. "As children, if we form secure attachments with our parents (or caregivers) through their consistent love, presence, and attention, then we come to see relationships as relatively stable," explains Klapow. "Having a secure attachment style means we're more likely to feel we're deserving of these kinds of relationships as we grow into adults."
ShutterstockIf your childhood involved instability or a lack of consistent love from your primary caregivers, this can have a massive impact on how you respond to relationships as an adult. "When parents are inconsistent in their emotional presence, ability to both love and soothe, or couldn't always be counted on emotionally, then we tend to form anxious attachment styles," says Klapow. "This can translate into adulthood where we look at relationships as being unstable and feel the need to cling or pull them close. This can also cause someone to question their deservedness of a secure, loving relationship."
The third attachment style is known as avoidant, which is typically a result of family dysfunction and emotional manipulation in childhood. "If our parents were emotionally unavailable or made intense love emotions manipulative or coercive, we tend to develop avoidant attachment styles, where we grow scared of intense emotional connection and will develop reasons why we don’t want it, deserve it, or need it," explains Klapow. According to a study published by the U.S. National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health in 2008, being a survivor of emotionally or physically abusive romantic relationships can lead to low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness.
Healing old wounds is the only way to ensure that negative experiences in the past don't affect your ability to carry out healthy and happy relationships in the present. According to Klapow, seeking out help from a mental health professional is key because low self-worth can impact so much more than your romantic life. "It is something that is extremely difficult to think our way out of on our own and something that needs reflection, a developmental review of our relationships, and some guidance in how we think about ourselves, others, and the world," says Klapow. "If we are feeling we are not deserving of romantic relationships and that is a core, strong belief, then it is important to get help as it can forever affect our approach to romance and love."
Unlearning deeply ingrained thought patterns is an ongoing process that is necessary if you want to start living your best life. If paying for therapy out of pocket isn’t an option for you, be sure to check with your health insurance provider, college health center, employee benefits, or reach out to a community mental health center near you to find out about more affordable options. Even if being in a romantic relationship isn't something you're actively looking for, dealing with past trauma can help you become a stronger and more confident individual. So, if you've ever felt like you don't deserve love, just know that you can learn to let go of this toxic mindset.
Experts
Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show
Feelings of unworthiness can occur in anyone from time to time. If they linger, you can take steps to turn them around.
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When you’re challenged by feelings of unworthiness, you may think you don’t deserve good grades, a job promotion, parental affection, or love from a partner.
While there are several potential causes of feeling undeserving, there are also several steps you can take to help you feel worthy and deserving.
It’s natural to go through periods of feeling unworthy of love or recognition. Most of the time, these sentiments are short-lived, but sometimes they can linger for different reasons.
Impostor syndrome
Impostor syndrome is a strong experience of self-doubt and feeling like a fraud, personally or professionally. Folks who live with impostor syndrome often credit success to luck and devalue their hard work and self-worth.
Past trauma
Research from 2019 found a link between childhood trauma, feeling unworthy, and developing depression as an adult.
Mental health conditions
Feelings of worthlessness can also be a symptom of mental health conditions like:
The National Institute of Mental Health states that feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness can be hallmarks of depression, especially if you experience these feelings every day for most of the day for 2 weeks or longer.
Not accepting your past decisions
Part of the human experience is complex reasoning and introspection. That means when we make a decision, we can review it and have satisfaction or regret over the past.
Not accepting your past decisions, even a string of mistakes, may color your views on yourself even long after the deeds are done.
Low self-esteem
Self-esteem is a measure of how you view your own qualities and characteristics.
Having a higher degree of self-esteem is associated with mental fitness and self-worth, whereas lower self-esteem is linked to feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism involves setting unrealistically high expectations for yourself and becoming dysregulated when you don’t meet the rigid standards you created. You may believe things are all or nothing, either praiseworthy or worthless.
Covert narcissism
Narcissism refers to a group of personality traits that include difficulty empathizing, grandiose ideas, and a need for praise.
On the outside, covert narcissism in particular can appear self-deprecating and sound like consistently expressing low self-esteem. This person may avoid situations that challenge a fragile sense of self-worth.
On the inside, someone with covert narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may still believe they’re superior to others (in line with other NPD types) and thus avoid criticism at all costs.
Feeling unworthy can leave you unmotivated and can make self-care difficult.
Since these thoughts can have such a negative effect on your quality of life, it’s important to learn how to reclaim your self-worth and recognize what a deserving person you are.
Instead of judging your emotions, you can make space for them. Being mindful of your feelings can help you lean into acceptance.
2. Have a plan
Sometimes penning down your intentions can help change a habit that doesn’t serve you. You could try making a loose plan with as much (or as little!) detail as you need.
It can involve specific strategies like talking aloud to yourself to interrupt negative thoughts of worthlessness when they arise.
3. Enlist help from your inner circle
Asking for help is one of the most important steps you can take.
Beyond listening, those who care about you may also be able to help lift your spirits and point out your hard work.
A therapist can be a solid addition to your inner circle as well. Here’s how to find the right one for you.
4. Commit to your best, and understand that changes day to day
A lot of things can influence what your best will look like each day, including factors beyond your control.
Committing to your best doesn’t mean perfection. Instead, it means doing what you can at the moment and accepting it will not always be flawless, and that it is OK. You are enough.
5. Perform a private talent show of your strengths
By acknowledging the things you know you can do well, it can help you know yourself better and send some more self-love your way.
There are many reasons you may feel unworthy, but you can take steps to help improve your feelings of self-worth.
Challenging negative thoughts, making a plan for handling your emotions, embracing your best in each day, and reaching out to others can all help you toward feeling self-validated.