How to tell your crush you love him

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As someone who has had many crushes, I know firsthand how freaking terrifying it can be to admit that you’ve caught feelings. Actually, it’s so scary that I pretty much avoided doing it my entire life. The few times I did do it, I was either four glasses of wine in or doing it via text, and spoiler alert: Neither way is the best way to have this convo.

I’m in a relationship now and I can’t go back in time to undo all the times I messed up this convo, but what I can do is stop you from reliving my (v normal) mistakes. Next time you have a crush, just go through these five extremely easy, expert-approved steps.

Before you tell someone you’re into them, you should probs be sure your feelings are serious and this isn’t just one of those temporary crushes that’s going to fade within a week. In other words, do you just think they’re fun, or do you really see yourself in a relationship with them? It’s worth saying something “if you sense that there is something substantially stronger than just hormones,” says Gary Brown, PsyD, a couples therapist in Los Angeles.

Obvi telling someone you have strong feelings for them can be terrifying and majorly risky, but Brown says the conversation is well worth the anxieties. “If he or she is truly a potential lifelong partner, you should definitely give it a go,” he says. “If you don’t, you may wind up looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life and regretting that you fears overcame your desire for love.”

Step Two: Choose your moment wisely.

While Brown says there’s no “right time” to admit you have feelings for someone, there are definitely a few factors that play into deciding when you should and shouldn’t initiate this convo.

For starters, Brown says it’s super important that you’ve spent enough time with them to really get a feel for who they are: “The time to tell them is after you’ve spent enough time with them to get a true sense of who they are and if you sense that the two of you are compatible in the most important ways that you value,” he explains.

That being said, sometimes outside circumstances might force you to wait a little longer than you’d like to. “For instance, if either one of you is recently on the rebound, I would absolutely wait,” warns Brown. “If there has been a recent traumatic incident such as the death, serious illness, or injury to someone close to either one of you, then it is better to wait until your emotions and thoughts are more even.”

Unfortunately, Brown says this is not one of those convos you can just casually have over text. Yep, that’s right: Even if the thought of it makes you want to gouge your eyes out, you’ve got to power through the fear and have this conversation IRL. Specifically, Brown recommends having it somewhere casual and relatively quiet in public.

“I recommend a casual setting,” he says. “Maybe take a walk in the park, meet at the beach, or go to any other casual setting where you can both feel free to speak openly. I highly do not recommend going to crowded public places and certainly not in a bar or a busy restaurant. You want to be in a setting where you are both comfortable as you can be and that is conducive to having an intimate conversation.”

Oh, and when you invite them to hang, don’t make it weird. Just casually ask if they want to go for a walk in the park or whatever. Brown says warning them that you want to “talk about something” might unnecessarily freak them out.

Step Four: Say the words.

Once the two of you are hanging at your quiet, public location of choice, it’s time to tell them how you’ve been feeling. I know initiating the conversation can be terrifying, but Brown says it really doesn’t have to be a huge, embarrassing profession of love. Just find a natural lull in the conversation and bring it up.

“Simply let them know that you've been noticing that you find yourself enjoying their company more and more,” he recommends. “Perhaps let them know that when you think of them, you find yourself smiling. It's even okay to be a bit silly. If the chemistry is mutual, this may not be all that hard to do to begin with.”

If you tried to initiate the convo and it didn’t go exactly as you had hoped, don’t sweat it. “All of this may naturally come out in one conversation, or it may come out over several conversations,” says Brown. “You don’t need to ‘do this perfectly’ in order to be heard and understood. Be gentle with yourself and appreciate the courage you are taking, no matter the outcome.”

Step Five: Proceed accordingly.

So this conversation probably went one of two ways.

Option One: They felt the same way—yay! In this case, Brown says you should enjoy and see where the conversation goes from there. “If they are feeling the same, you may both want to explore seeing each other more and possibly even being exclusive—if that feels natural for both of you,” he says, adding that “exclusively” is something you want to make sure you “don’t push” at this stage.

Option Two: They didn’t feel the same, in which case Brown says you should be grateful that they were honest with you and that you now have the freedom to move onto someone who does feel the same about you. Don’t get your hopes up too high, but Brown also adds: “Iit is also possible that they may grow to develop feelings for you, just not at the same time that you did.”

Learning how to tell your crush you like them is necessary if you ever want to move from the pining stage to the dating stage or moving on stage, depending on how it all pans out.

Rejection is an awful feeling, and if you have ever felt it before, you do not want to feel it ever again. But without taking that risk, how will you ever move forward or find out if your crush likes you back?

You won’t. There are a lot of scary things in this world. Snakes, high-calorie foods, your mother’s opinions, but telling your crush you like them is terrifying. Yet, it doesn’t have to be.

[Read: How to tell if someone likes you without asking them]

Calm your nervous before telling your crush you like them

I’ll be honest, telling your crush you like them will always include some level of nerves, but hopefully, with these tips, you can work up the confidence to do it without wanting to barf.

Before getting into the hows and what exactly to say, telling your crush, you like them requires a certain mindset. You cannot go into it thinking you’ll be rejected or even fearing rejection. But, on the other hand, you also cannot expect them to like you back.

Pretty much, you have to go into it with no expectation except to share how you feel. You can hope for the best outcome but be prepared for any. [Read:

Still, struggling? Here is a helpful metaphor. If you go bungee jumping or skydiving, you know the risks. You feel the fear. But before you jump, you block those thoughts. Instead, you think about the freedom, the fun, and the adrenaline you get when flying through the air.

Admitting you like someone is the same deal. You have already overthought it, but right now is the moment to clear those analytical thoughts and doubts from your mind and go into it.

[Read: How to talk to your crush and slowly make them fall for you before you ask them out]

How to tell your crush you like them

When figuring out how to tell your crush you like them, you can choose the route that you feel most comfortable with. You can make a big romantic gesture. You can be subtle. Or you can just blurt it out.

Which is best for you?

1. Be straightforward

Sometimes the best thing to do is just bite the bullet, rip off the Band-Aid, and do it. Sure, it can feel awkward, but once all is said and done, you will be so relieved, no matter the outcome.

Next time you see your crush, let them know you have wanted to tell them something for a while and spit it out. [Read: How to impress your crush – 20 ways to steal their heart before they even realize it!]

2. Text it

We’re all a bunch of texters now. Texting your feelings to your crush is nothing new. However, if you know you’ll wimp out in person, texting is always an option or a backup plan. I wouldn’t just send a random text saying, “I have a crush on you,” but next time you have even the slightest bit of a flirty conversation, let them know.

Just by saying something like, you’re making me blush, or I always smile when we talk, you can give them the idea. [Read: 19 risk-free ways to tell someone you like them over text]

3. Hint at your feelings

If you are not a super blunt person, you may want to take your time and leave breadcrumbs for your crush to find out how you feel. Give them compliments, let them know you’re single, or bring them their coffee.

By slowly introducing behaviors and conversations that are more romantic than platonic, it will come out naturally.

4. Flirt

Sure, sometimes flirting is not enough to get the whole message across. But if they like you back, they will be looking for any sign you might be interested.

Touch their arm when you’re talking, make eye contact, use body language, do whatever feels right in the moment. [Read: How to tell if your crush likes you back with these 15 super-subtle gestures]

5. Ask them out

Without saying the words, “I like you” to your crush, letting them know you like them is a lot easier. You can get around that sentence by sharing your interest in another way.

Invite them out for drinks at a more romantic restaurant than your normal bar and grill. They should get the hint pretty quickly. [Read: How to ask your crush to hang out over text]

6. Make a move

This can be risky, but if you are really all in, actions speak louder than words. Obviously, do not just grab your crush and kiss them. That is weird and creepy.

But, if you are chatting at a party and things feel like they are going there or you gave them a ride home, and the vibe is there, give it a go. [Read: When to kiss someone? The 15 signs to predict that magic moment]

7. Plan a gesture

This is not my style as I am much more private with my relationships. But if you know your crush is into rom-coms and cute promposal videos, plan something cute.

Maybe don’t do it at work, especially if there are office policies against dating. But leaving rose petals and a note on their car asking them out is more than many people are used to. The flattery and effort that goes into gestures like this can open their eyes to you even if they hadn’t thought about it before. [Read: 15 hilariously unique ways to ask someone out on a date]

8. Get a pep talk from friends

Boosting your own confidence is not always easy. But, if you let your friends know you are thinking about letting your crush know you like them, they will pep you up and give you the self-esteem you need.

They will remind you how amazing you are no matter the result. They tell you that you deserve to be happy and that taking this risk is a step towards that. Your friends can really help to nudge you in the right direction.

9. Do not back out

How many times have you said to yourself, “I’ll do it today,” and then came home without telling your crush you like them? This leads to another night watching The Bachelor with a carton of ice cream.

Set a date for yourself and stick to it. Set the alarm on your phone if you have to, or get your most inspirational and supportive friend to remind you to do it. [Read: How to act cool in front of your crush and grab their attention]

10. Do it privately

Some people may appreciate a public announcement of your feelings. That can be intriguing and romantic to some. But others find it cringy, and it can be awkward if the feelings aren’t returned.

Instead of just focusing on your comfort when telling your crush you like them, think about theirs too. Are they private and shy or outspoken and open? Decide what is best for you both. If you are in a group setting, pull them aside to chat. [Read: How to ask a friend out without risking the friendship]

11. Joke about it

If you are super nervous and wondering how to tell your crush you like them, go in with a joke. This way, if the outcome is not what you hoped for, you can laugh your way out.

You can say something like, “I would ask you out if you weren’t a Red Sox fan”. Then, if their reaction is pleasant or they smile shyly, you can say, “but I can overlook it if you’re interested.” And if they don’t seem interested, just back out.

12. Breathe

Remember to breathe throughout the conversation: when approaching them, while talking, while waiting for them to answer. You would be surprised by how much just a bit of oxygen will keep you calm.

13. Give them time

Your crush may be interested in you. If you caught them off guard, they might need time to decide if they want to go out with you. They may be on the rebound or just in shock.

Be patient. You have been thinking about your crush for a while. They just found out about your feelings. Let them process. [Read: 50 cute things to say to your crush and make them feel special]

14. Be respectful

Whether they tell you they are dating someone when you know they aren’t, or if they say they don’t date people at work, just let it be. They are trying to let you down easily. They aren’t lying to make you feel stupid but to cushion the blow to your ego.

Try not to get mad, lash out, or cry at the moment. They are just telling you they aren’t interested in the best way they know-how. [Read: Want to keep it platonic? How to get over a crush on your friend]

15. Let go of perfection

You do not need to have all the right words. It doesn’t need to be scripted. No one is perfect. And, honestly, those nerves and quirks are what make you so endearing. Yes, people love confidence, but nerves show that you care.

Try to let go of saying the perfect thing in the perfect way. If they like you back, none of that will matter.

16. Do it sooner rather than later

The longer you wait to let your crush know that you like them, the harder it will be. You will start to overthink it and create scenarios in your head. They will only make you even more nervous.

Instead, bite the bullet. Please don’t hold back, hoping the feelings will go away or that it’ll all work out with you taking a risk. [Read: How to ask your crush out – A guide to fix those jitters and feel brave]

17. Don’t wait for them to say it first

I did this for a long time. I figured if someone liked me enough, they would say it or do something about it. But, how could that be true if I liked them and didn’t say it? Someone can be entirely smitten with you but still be too scared to say how they feel.

Instead of holding onto hope that maybe they will come to you and confess their feelings, just do it. Waiting for them could last a long time. Taking it into your own hands gives you an answer now. [Read: How to ask someone if they like you without embarrassing yourself]

18. Look at the big picture

I know that when you have a crush, it can be hard to look at things from a larger scope, but try. This crush may seem so important right now. But no matter how they feel, you have your whole life to live.

The longer you hold onto this crush without letting them know, the longer you’re stalling. If you want to keep moving forward, you need to take action. [Read: How to start living for the future]

19. Keep calm

Knowing how to tell your crush you like them isn’t something that is done with a casual attitude. You will be nervous. But, trying to remain even the slightest bit calm will help prevent you from blurting out a bunch of word vomit.

You want to tell this person that you like them, not that you love them or want to have their babies.

[Read: Does your crush like you back? Here’s what you need to do immediately]

20. Decide where to go now

So they like you back? Congratulations! Now what? Are you going to start dating? Are you going to go for drinks?

What if they let you down easily? Will it be weird seeing them, being friends, or working together? Make sure they know you respect them and just wanted to know one way or the other, so you could move on and not ask what if. If you need some time apart to get over them, let them know that too.

[Read: How to flirt with your friend without it becoming weird]

Now that you know how to tell your crush you like them, go on out there and do it! I wish you the best of luck.

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