Is it normal to always lose friends?

Do you ever sit back and think about your old high school friends or that kid you used to play with next door? Maybe you remember how much fun you had together and wonder what became of their lives or why you lost touch with each other.

Losing a friend is difficult. But are you sure it’s a loss?

Feeling nostalgic for an old friendship often makes us feel like we’ve lost an important part of our lives. Even the thought of losing contact with somebody we know makes us think twice. There’s just a certain sadness we feel when remembering a lost friendship. Have you ever looked at it a different way, though? Is it really a loss?

Your life and the people in it are constantly changing.

As the direction of your life changes, the people in your life also change. Not all of them, however. Some relationships, like with your family or your significant other don’t come and go easily. It’s your friendships that tend to change over time. You see, a friendship is a voluntary relationship that you choose to enter, not one that’s bound by formalities and rules.

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So as the demands of your life start changing, like when you’re suddenly slammed with a full course load at the university while working a part-time job, or you work tons of overtime while trying to raise a family – it’s your friendship that will take less priority in your life.

Some people just aren’t friends (or aren’t friends any more).

Growing up doesn’t only mean changing demands to your personal time, you also start to realize what you want out of life and the kind of people you want in it. Your old high school friend suddenly doesn’t fit your friendship needs anymore, and that’s okay.

Ending a friendship can happen for a number of reasons, and it’s not always a bad thing. Here are some of the types of friends we learn to let go of:

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They have no compassion or empathy.

Maybe you’re feeling really upset about a recent disaster you’ve seen in the news, so you try to strike up a conversation with your friend about it. Their response? A slight shrug followed by a question about the latest celebrity scandal or what they should wear on their next date. You’ve tried and tried to find a deeper connection with this person, but you can’t. This is a shallow friendship, and it wouldn’t be a loss to cut this meaningless connection out of your life.

They never return the favor.

Are you constantly dropping everything to do a favor for your friend? Whether it’s take them to a doctor’s appointment, help them move out of their apartment, or just offer a listening ear after a terrible breakup – you are always there. Now, ask yourself a question: do they return the favor? Seems like they’re always busy when you need them, right? This isn’t a friendship.

They want to be the center of attention.

Constantly being interrupted so they can tell you about their terrible weekend or the fight they got in with their partner? It doesn’t matter what you have going on in your life, this person always has something more urgent or difficult to deal with. You either find yourself doubting the majority of their stories or constantly worried for their well-being. When you spend 90% of your friendship dealing with their issues and trying to calm them down or stop worrying, you don’t have a real friendship. It’s okay to admit that.

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The first step toward coming closer to focus on what you want and need in life is realizing that friendship with these people is toxic. What you have with these types of people is not a true friendship, so letting go means you are only losing an unhealthy relationship. That isn’t a loss, but rather a gain.

Once you let go of a meaningless connection, you can focus on the important things in life. How can you cut ties with someone you once thought was a friend?

1. Admit to yourself that it’s okay and healthy to stop hanging out with this person.
2. Give yourself time away from them and gradually lengthen your time apart if you find it difficult to end the relationship.
3. Try creating the friendship you want to have. Find a friend who appreciates you and helps you become the person you hope to be.

You don’t really lose a friendship because true friendship always stays.

Cutting unnecessary ties allows you to focus on one of the most important things in life: true friendship. Worry more about developing this relationship than the possibility of losing a friend.

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Remember, you can never lose a true friend. You can, however, get rid of meaningless relationships. You get one life, live it surrounded by love and happiness.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Jakarta -

The older we get, the fewer friends we have. According to a recent study by experts from Aalto University in Finland and the University of Oxford in England, our social network shrinks after we reach our mid-20s. At this age, people start to figure out who are the most important and valuable in their lives, and they make a greater effort to keep those pals. People become more focused on certain connections and strive to retain them. As we grow older, we become busier at work and, for some, at raising a family. This cuts down on the amount of time we have to socialize. When we start focusing on the aforementioned priorities, the breadth of our friendship will automatically be determined. We'll invest more time with our closest friends and make time for those we'd want to meet and connect. Losing friends is not always a bad thing. It means that we are on the path of growth and it may change our social life for the better as well.

Here are the reasons as to why changing friends can bring a positive impact on our life.

Get Rid of Toxic Friends
We realize that some friendships are no longer worth the effort. We've all had friends who managed to persuade us to do or say things we promised we'd never do again, such as binge drinking. Their chaotic lifestyle is causing us problems, and when we're with them, they always manage to drag us into it. Even if we genuinely care for them, we recognize that being with them is no longer enjoyable. As a result, we avoid them. That's a sensible decision because it could prevent us from doing something we'll later come to regret.

Build Deeper Friendships
We will place a greater emphasis on the qualities of our friendships when we have fewer friends. We can communicate with them more intensely and push our friendship to higher levels. We start to open up, share our joys and sorrows, struggles, as well as our hopes and plans for the future. Most importantly, we can be our true selves in front of them.

More Time to Work on Yourself
When we start working as an adult, we'll have to make some tough decisions about how we spend our nights and weekends. We start to create a balance between maintaining a good social life and working on our own self-development. With a smaller social network, it's easier to carve out time for ourselves, which may benefit our career, romantic relationships, and overall health. We get the ability to focus on accomplishing what we want and like, as well as achieving the goals we set for ourselves. Taking time for yourself is necessary so that we can think clearly without getting distracted and begin establishing priorities.

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Parker Peters / Daily Collegian

By Alanna Joachim, Collegian Columnist
April 14, 2022

It is ok to lose friends. Now that might be a controversial opinion for some, but I have found that maintaining some friendships can be more stressful and draining than it is beneficial.

I have always someone who hates losing others. I am sentimental. I hold on to people, the idea of who they were, and good memories I shared with them far past the time of my life when they served me well. Over my time in college, I have discovered that not all friendships are meant to last lifetimes. Despite Hallmark movies preaching otherwise, I have seen many friendships come and go naturally throughout time. While this might be painful and difficult to accept, in order to be a good friend to everyone I do care about, I cannot put effort into either maintaining or repairing friendships that do not benefit me anymore.

Coming to college after high school was the first time I learned the importance of these sentiments. I had plenty of friends in high school and often found myself between several different friend groups due to participation in different classes, extracurriculars, and sports. While I enjoyed spending time with all of my different friends in high school, I found that once I entered college it was incredibly difficult to keep in touch with all of these people and even to make time to see them when I was home briefly on breaks. I did not have any issues with any of these friends, but we simply drifted apart due to timing and lack of constant communication like we had every day in high school. In some cases, I felt as though I was the one continuing to reach out to these friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in months or years. Eventually, it became tiring and almost stressful to try to maintain friends who were not giving me the same effort as I was to them.

With the end of my senior year fast approaching, I find myself in a similar predicament. I enjoy spending time with my classmates and acquaintances I have made throughout my four years of college, but it is unrealistic to assume I will maintain every connection I have made in college after graduation. For most of my classmates, we will come together at graduation, share memories, and then part ways without more than nostalgic goodbyes. Many may stay in contact after graduation, but many will not. Feeling distance between people who may have been a large part of my college experience is sad but a common sentiment that many will face. It is perfectly normal to be unable to maintain the same level of connection to college friends after graduation once everyone has their own careers and lives outside of Amherst.

There is often a lot of pressure to keep “old friends” simply because these friendships have existed the longest. However, the value of a friendship is constantly evolving. A friend I met last week could become one of my best friends, while a friend I have known since second grade could be extremely distant and lack connection to my present self. The most important factor in my friendships is if the other person adds benefit to my life. While I love catching up with old friends who I have lost touch with, I have stopped trying to force connections with others or chase after one sided friendships.

If friends from the past are not willing to grow and evolve as you do, then the friendship is not worth continuing. It is pointless to place a friendship on a pedestal simply because it began earlier than others. Choosing to devote energy and time to friendships that suit your current lifestyle and headspace will leave more time to cultivate new relationships and experiences with others. True friends that care and put effort into a friendship, will continue to do so.

Alanna Joachim can be reached at [email protected]