How do you know if your wife still finds you attractive?

For a relationship to last long, love alone isn't enough. If your partner cares for you but seems a bit disinterested, this could be why.

By Keerthana Panneer

June 17, 2022

Posted June 17, 2022

Editor's note: This article was originally published on May 17, 2018. It has since been updated. 

Is love enough? If you were in a philosophical mood contemplating an existential question, the answer to this might be a wise yes, or a skeptical no. But let's get practical here. Nope. Love is warm, love is all fuzzy and nice, and love heals. But it doesn't necessarily pay bills, get deadlines met, or help get your life back on track. Passion, on the other hand, is the driving force behind every motive. It's that little sprinkle of spice that adds flavor to a plain day.

You remember the early days of your relationship. The way your partner looked at you would send a warm tingle down your spine. A smile would do weird stuff in your tummy. And when your partner touches you, everything else melted into oblivion. The space a couple in love create is like a live and pulsating sphere of passion, awe, and genuine affection. But what happens when the sizzle begins to douse and all you are left with is good-old warm-hearted love and tender affection? You feel loved but not wanted. 

Here are 13 signs that your partner loves you dearly but isn't attracted to you anymore.

1. Romance? How do you spell that?

The flowers, the surprise gifts, the chocolates, the candlelight dinners have all come to a standstill. Your partner loves you, ensures everything you need to get through your week is available, but there is no hint of romance in the air. This is a sign that there is much care and concern, but no reason to want to woo you anymore. 

2. Quality time, yes. Fun, NO 

You guys go for quiet walks, talk about a new book or show you are currently into, talk about each other's day at work. All is pleasant, warm, and good. But if they don't make exciting plans with you anymore, it's possible that your partner doesn't really associate fun with you. They seem more excited about social events with others than with you. 

3. You barely see your BAE's name on your phone

Unless, it is to ask 'brown or white bread' or give an update like 'Meeting folks at 6 pm.' If your partner is dutiful in keeping you updated about everything but doesn't really reach out to you 'just because,' it could be that they like you but don't find a need to keep checking in with you like before. If every call or text is about groceries, bills, and schedules, it's time to take note.

4. Things get awkward often

Before you could do the silliest thing and earn a laugh from your significant other. But now, things get weird or awkward when it's just the two of you. You still talk about stuff and have an overall relaxed time, but if they laugh at your new idea or think there is no need to try anything new, they could have already put you in the 'done everything possible with you, so let's just chill' list. In case you're wondering, no; you don't deserve to be on that list. 

5. They believe they got you all figured out

This could be cute at times, but not always. If they come upon you in a paternal or affectionate way with a tone that seems to say 'I know you seem worked up right now, but I know you enough to know things will settle down,' it's a sign that they don't really see you as you are now. What they believe they know you is blinding their perception of who you are now. On the other hand, if the attraction is still at play, they will be more rapt in their attention to observe you as you are at the moment. 

6. Their patience is inversely proportionate to their eye roll

If they often find reasons to do their infamous eye-roll that mocks down your ideas, suggestions, or way of doing things, it's not just a cue for reduced attraction, but a sign of disrespect. You can love someone dearly and still think they aren't really all that sorted out. Like you would think of a toddler saying he wants to be an underwater explorer. You pat them affectionately and say 'Sure, honey.' If your honey is patting you with a patronizing disbelief or gestures of sweet mockery, it's a sign that they don't find your wild ideas as intriguing as before.

7. Conversations are buddy-like

Being friends is important. But not to the point you constantly go to each other with laundry woes, grocery lists, and pest control. Of course, these conversations do play a role, cuz you don't want 'em bugs buzzing around. But if that's all the buzz there is in your exchanges, then your partner has lost touch with how it was to flirt up a storm with you. And for those who say there is no time for all this, there is time. There is always time. If you are attracted enough to someone.

8. There is ample affection and zero chemistry

Your partner reaches out to give you a warm hug. They ensure you have something soft and cuddly to wrap around as you snuggle up in bed. But when you lie down next to each other, the way they look at you is different. It's kind and sweet. But you can't help feeling a little distant or less wanted. Older couples who succeed in maintaining the chemistry often share their love in physical and sensual ways, even if it isn't always overtly sexual.

9. They agree with everything you say

This is scary. Attraction often happens between polarities. It's great that you guys don't argue often or fight. But if they agree with everything you say without giving their point of view, it could indicate that they just don't care enough to converse, debate, banter, or disagree, all of which are healthy exchanges between two people attracted to each other. 

10. The hug feels safe but not desirous

Coming home to your partner is great. It brings a sense of safety. But if their hands constantly stop just a little before things begin to heat up, that's a sign to watch out for. While love needn't always be expressed sexually, when a couple is attracted to each other, they cannot help but also want each other physically.

11. There is no hint of jealousy

No jealousy is a good sign. A great sign, in fact, as it reveals maturity and trust. However, if your partner doesn't bat an eyelid when someone else seems to get a little too cozy with you, they might not be feeling as deeply as before. If someone is flirting with you and they still hold on to the 'I am too mature for this' card, then the level of attraction is way less than where it ought to be for a couple.

This doesn't mean you flirt with someone just to test your partner's reaction; that could backfire big time. But despite all our zen goals, we humans are primitive beings when it comes to guarding our mates. If it doesn't stir up any emotion, you might want to take a back seat and look at how things have been in the last year or so.

12. Something just seems off

If everything about the relationship is perfectly in place and you guys have everything running smoothly, you should feel great. Instead, if you feel that the perfection is a little too good to be true and you want something more real and raw, with slight glitches to keep things alive, it's a sign your relationship might have run into a stagnant pool. Trust your instinct and be honest about how you feel with your partner. 

13. Sex has become a routine

When lovemaking dwindles down to a mere habit, loss of attraction is evident. If you find yourself having sex because you always do it on a certain day of the week or if your partner is physically into you just for the moment and switches back to being distant right after sex, you are in dangerous territory. Whether you are in love or not, sex shouldn't be mundane. Yeah, there could be off days. But if this becomes a pattern, it wouldn't be soon before you hit a dry spell, permanently.

Here's what you can do to bring back the sizzle in all its smoky glory:

1. Experts talk about psychological attraction. When this dies down, the spark disappears. Focus more on yourself and how you can make things happy for yourself. Joy, although severely underrated, is extremely attractive.

2. It's important to give each other space and distance. When you take the time to do your thing and your partner gets to do their thing, you both come back feeling refreshed and alive. 

3. Check if you have allowed your partner's perception of you put you in a mold. If your partner has come to believe you are stable, mature, and genuine, great. But if they assume that is all there is to you, then either you aren't evolving as an individual, or not showing all sides of your personality to them. Or, they simply don't care to know more. None of these is good for your own growth. 

4. Be honest and talk about it. If they are willing to do something about it, great. If they don't see any problem while you do, it might be time to re-evaluate both your priorities and see if they still match. Why? Because in the long run, love alone isn't enough. Respect for each other and a healthy zest for life is what will get you through the tricky times.

Cover Image Source: Stock photo/Getty Images

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How do you tell if your partner still finds you attractive?

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