How do you politely distance yourself from a family?

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Family relationships are not always close. Despite cultural expectations that family relationships are not a choice, many families experience some level of distance, whether due to living far away from one another or choosing to spend less time together. In extreme cases, this distance might be called estrangement.

A recent research article by myself and Dr. Kristina Scharp, directors of the Family Communication and Relationships Lab at Michigan State University and the University of Washington, details four types of distancing that families can experience. The four types are categorized based on whether the distance is voluntary or involuntary. Distancing is voluntary when it is chosen by the party gaining distance, that is, they are intentionally having less close family ties.

Voluntary Distancing

1. Pulling Away

The first type of voluntary distance families experience is called “pulling away.” Pulling away occurs when one member of the family attempts to gain distance, or pull away, from the rest of the family or specific family members. Pulling away may take many forms, including moving away, speaking less to family members, or having an explicit conversation about cutting off contact with the rest of the family.

2. Parting Mutually

The second type of voluntary distance families experience is “parting mutually.” When this type of distance occurs, it is agreed upon by all family members that gaining distance from one another would be good for everyone. For example, siblings who have unhealthy conflict whenever they are together might agree that they are better off spending time apart or spending the holidays with their respective immediate families rather than with the extended family group.

Involuntary Distancing

3. Pushed Out

Being pushed out of the family is considered involuntary, because the member being pushed out does not want distance from family. A common example of this type of family distance is the “black sheep” of the family. Black sheep members often experience unwanted disapproval and exclusion. This may happen when families do not approve of the black sheep members’ life choices or social identities.

4. Third-Party Removal

Family members can also experience distance when a member is removed by no choice of anyone in the family, but instead by a person or organization outside of the family. For example, families may be physically separated because they are refugees, or because one or more members have been hospitalized, placed in foster care, or incarcerated. Family members might have made choices that led to the distance, but they did not explicitly choose distance from the family.

Gaining distance from family members is not always negative. In fact, this is a common misconception about family distance. There are many examples of family distancing that people tend to consider “normal” or even positive life events, such as members going away to college, moving for a job, or spending time overseas on a mission or military deployment.

Whether you have experienced family distancing personally or not, it is likely that you know others who have. When learning about another person’s family, it can be helpful to remember that there are different types of family distancing, and it could be hurtful to assume a person is experiencing one type when they are really experiencing another. If you can, show support for whatever type of distancing is occurring in their family, as all types are challenging to manage and maintain.

Interested in learning more about family distancing? Check out these articles about family "black sheep" and why family hurt is so painful.

References

Scharp, K. M., & Dorrance Hall, E. (2018). Reconsidering family closeness: A review and call for research on family distancing. Journal of Family Communication, 1-14.

From a young age, we are taught that family is everything and that no matter what, we should always love and care for ours. But should that infinite love and care extend to the family members that have repeatedly hurt us? 

As we come to the end of the holiday season, some of us may feel burdened with the guilt of not seeing that parent who has repeatedly neglected you, or the manipulative aunt, or the homophobic grandfather who you’ve been too scared to come out to. Some of us made the choice to distance ourselves from the people who cause us pain and we are now wondering if we made the wrong decision because after all, it is the season of forgiveness. 

Well, to those of you who chose your own happiness and well-being this year, I encourage you to stop feeling guilty and to keep setting boundaries for yourself. 

Over the past few years, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned was the importance of setting boundaries with family members. I, and I’m sure many others, always thought that my family could do wrong. It takes a lot of strength to finally see that that is not true, and in my personal experience, there are a few steps you can take that will help you to realize when it’s time to take a step back and finally say enough is enough. 

The first step should always be sitting down with yourself and figuring out what it is that’s bothering you. Is it the way a family member repeatedly talked down on your life decisions? Maybe the way a family member is always looking to start drama with the rest of the family? 

Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint what that person is doing that’s making you want to distance yourself, so it’s important to take time to really think about it. Once you have, you should try confronting the person in a way that is comfortable for you. I believe this is one of the hardest parts and it takes a lot of courage to finally feel comfortable in doing it. 

Once you confront the person responsible and tell them what they’re doing that’s hurting you, you have to play a bit of a waiting game. If they continue with the behavior, then this is when it’s time to start thinking about distancing yourself from them. Whether or not a person can respect clear boundaries that you’ve put in place for your own well-being is a very big teller of their character. Once you’ve made those boundaries clear, it’s up to them to understand them and anyone who cannot respect them, or doesn’t try to, does not deserve to play a role in your life. 

In the past year, I’ve been forced to take a step back and realize how I was being disrespected and manipulated by certain members of my family, and it took a long time for me to finally say enough is enough. This decision is not something that happened overnight and that will most likely be the case for anyone else in this position. However, I encourage you to stay strong and focus on what you can do to better your own mental or physical health, even if that means letting go of people you were told would always “be there” for you.

How do you respectfully distance yourself from your family?

Is it OK to distance myself from family?

When should you distance yourself from a family?

Why do people distance themselves from family?