Hello. I'm not a wife any more. I've been living with my current boyfriend for just over a year. The first time we were "together" he was amazing. I told him that he was the best that I've ever had. He didn't say it back. I noticed this. My boyfriend is not the type of person who will lie to make me feel good. If he thought I was fat, and I asked, "Am I fat?" he would say, "Yes." If I got mad he'd say, "What, you want me to lie!? Don't ask me questions that you don't want to know the answer to." Mind you, he always says nice things to me, but he will never sugar coat the truth. After skirting around the question for months because I didn't want to KNOW that I wasn't his best, I flat out asked him last night who was the best he's ever had in bed, and he wouldn't tell me. I said, "You'd tell your best friend!" He said, "My best friend probably already knows who it was!" He says it's none of my business, but I want to be the best he's ever had in bed and if I'm not, I want to know who is!!! This hurts me pretty bad. Any advice will be much appreciated. Link to postShare on other sitessb129
The moral of this story is- if you aren't sure you will like the answer, don't ask the question. Asking him if you are the best he has ever had is just insecurity in another guise, and you are asking him to validate you because of it. Unfortunately, your BF is honest, and his answer will only fuel your insecurity. Continuing to pester him for an answer will only serve to annoy him and cause friction between you. This is why my partner and I have never talked about how many sexual partners we have had, nor have we discussed sex other than between us. The past is the past for a reason, and we are together now, which is what matters. You should let this one go- nothing good can come of it. Your insecurity is your problem, not your BFs, and while he was a little tactless for not answering your question the way you wanted it to be answered, he can't be condemned for telling the truth. He is with YOU now, not whoever that person is. That is what matters. Link to postShare on other sitesTrialbyfire
FolderWife, I'll have to agree with your b/f, in that there are certain things best kept private. I don't agree with keeping secret the number of partners each person has had in the past but pushing someone to tell you who's the best, is counterproductive for your relationship. Why not apply your energy towards learning different techniques, thus ensuring that you're the best he's ever had? Link to postShare on other sites norajane
I guess I'd look at it from a different perspective. I wouldn't care WHO the best was as she is in his past and whatever best she provided, clearly, it wasn't a relationship that lasted. So who cares? If I loved him, I'd care to make our sex life fantastic for both of us - so that it is the best for me and him both. I'd want to know more about his turn-ons and what he enjoys and what he'd like to try. I'd want to make foreplay something we do all day long, to increase the anticipation and sexual tension so that when we did have sex, it would be mindblowing. I wouldn't waste my time on his past or questioning or wondering about other women. I'd be focusing on what I could do to get more pleasure and give more pleasure in the present. Link to postShare on other sitessb129
Good post TBF. As far as keeping the number of sexual partners secret- Wonderboy has never asked me. If he asked, I would tell him, but I know he doesn't want to know, which suits me fine, seeing as the last BF was such a nutcase about it! I don't really care about him either- we are both clean and our sex life together is fine, which is the main thing. Folderwife- TBF is right. BE the best he has ever had. Find out what he likes, or what his secret desires are, and use this knowledge to make your R better, not worse. Link to postShare on other sitesTrialbyfire
So was yours and nj's too. I see sex as an extension of a solid relationship, not the driving force. If you allow it to be the driving force, there's no foundation of respect and true liking, for each other. Without this kind of foundation, love can't happen and neither can anything long-term. Link to postShare on other sites
FolderWife
He and I have a really healthy sex life. We are together a lot, and I don't deny him his requests EVER...except getting another girlfriend of course  I do all I can to make it the best, so it really stinks to know that my efforts aren't up to the standards of whomever did it better. If I wasn't trying so hard, then I could just blame my own lazyness, and not my apparent lack of skill. Link to postShare on other sites SeraBella
It's kind of a silly thing that you may NEVER be able to live up to so it's not worth questioning. His "best" could be the best because it was angry sex but with someone he really can't stand. It may not be a situation he ever wishes to experience again, but it still remains the best. It may not have been with a woman he loved...would you rather be the one he loves the most or "the best sex he ever had"? Link to postShare on other sites LucreziaBorgia
Folder, let's say he gives you a name. What will you do with that information? Link to postShare on other sites reservoirdog1
There were a few mistakes made here, by both of you. A couple were made by you. One was in that, just because he didn't repeat your best-I've-ever-had comment back to you more than a year ago, you've hung onto it ever since. You've allowed something like that to become, and remain, a thorn in your relationship, from pretty much the beginning. Asking it again recently was unnecessary -- it should have been left alone. People having discussions with their partners about their past sexual experiences with others -- quality, quantity, etc. -- NEVER like the answers they get. No relationship ever benefits from discussions like that, and many suffer from them. Now, having said that -- since the bad question DID get asked, your BF should have simply responded, "you're the best I've ever had." Not doing so was pretty boneheaded on his part. While I generally believe in truth -- in fact, I'm like your BF in that I don't easily sugarcoat the truth -- some things are total no-brainers. The ONLY right answer to that question was "you". End of story.
The longer I live, the more it seems that women don't want to hear the truth in response to a lot of their questions. They're asking in order to get reassurance. Though honesty in general is a good thing, there's sometimes a fine line between when it's best to tell a little fib to spare your partner's feelings, and when honesty is the better path. I have no argument whatsoever with the principle that, in almost every way, life is much tougher for women in this world than it is for men. Women have been downtrodden, exploited and marginalized since the dawn of time, and it's wrong. But it's on things like this that men in relationships go through complete and utter hell, of a kind that women cannot appreciate. Link to postShare on other sitessb129
Which is why your BF really should have kept his mouth shut. We all try our best at lots of things, doesn't mean we ARE the best, but if you are trying then thats not a bad thing- your BF is still with you one year after you asked if the initial question, you can't be THAT bad at it! Link to postShare on other sites twice_shy
Maybe he is just the kind of guy that thinks sex is sex. A comedian said one time, "women, you don't have to be good, you just have to be there." Link to postShare on other sitesPhateless
FolderWife - lol, you completely did this to yourself, I hope you can see that. If you want to be better in bed for him, just ASK HIM what he likes, but DO NOT make this about her!! Forget her, she doesn't exist anymore. You can ask him "so what can we do in bed that would be more exciting for you?" and move forward. Or just ask him to give you a bit of guidance during... there's nothing wrong with that. Link to postShare on other siteswhichwayisup
Don't let this ruin what you have. Focus on the good stuff in your relationship. And, don't ask those types of questions unless you're really prepared to 'hear' the answers. My H and I don't talk about past loves in detail. The past doesn't matter, what counts is the now. Link to postShare on other sites Lookingforward
who cares if you're his "best" ? Same as who cares if you're not his "first" as long as you're his last, right ? Link to postShare on other sitessmartgirl
Folderwife, while you have gotten a lot of good advice about putting this all in perspective, I know exactly how you are feeling. My H of almost 30 years had an A a few years back and still works with the woman. He is also the "don't ask a question that you don't want the answer to" kind of guy. But nevertheless I asked if he still, post A haze, thought she was more attractive than me and he said yes. I was devastated and have continued to obsess on it. My situation is more complicated, because he still works with this woman and I fear ongoing comparison. But still, I know what it feels like to want to be "the best" to your SO in ways that involve attraction and intimacy. You fear that because you are not the best, however that is being defined, that you are automatically then a disappointment of some kind to him. In addition to the attractiveness question, I have also feared comparison with the high level of sexual heat generated in the A. There will never be the same kind of heat in a 30 year relationship that there was in an illicit affair with someone you really don't know all that well. But that isn't a bad thing, believe it or not. My H was addicted to the high level of heat he had with his OW. Over time, the heat began to cool down and he discovered that what was left wasn't nearly as appealing to him as what he had with me. Even men are looking for the best total package they can get when it comes to an ongoing relationship. That woman may not be the hottest, the best in bed or the best whatever, but overall, to him, she is the best for him. That doesn't mean that he won't remember or recite who the best at xxx was. But clearly, that woman's assets were limited, perhaps even to that one area and so they aren't still together. Be aware that he may notice if you go on a sexual betterment program and it may have undesireable consequences. If you make a guy feel that he is your science experiment it can put too much pressure on and make him begin avoiding sex for fear of not having a good enough response. That being said, open communication about what pleases each of you is a healthy part of a relationship and should be encouraged. Link to postShare on other sites
FolderWife
wow smartgirl, that sucks for you!! What a difficult thing to have to deal with In the beginning of our relationship there was so much HEAT and PASSION! It wasn't his skill that made him the best, but rather the fact that we couldn't keep our friggin clothes on when we were together! Don't get me wrong my boyfriend is skilled in bed, and I tell him all the time that his man part is PERFECT (it hits all the right places, skilled or not) but above and beyond the fact that I love him so much and he is talented and built right, the reason that he is the best I've ever had is the chemestry that I share with him. He's not overly handsome sometimes, but there is just something about him that is sooo sexy to me! I want him all the time!!! I assume that he feels the same way about me because he acts like he wants me all the time too! There is just some kind of crazy chemestry between us that I've never had before, and I LOVE it! That's why he's my best. There is only so much skill involved in sex any way...it's the chemestry that makes it. On top of that, we almost ALWAYS finish together! How crazy is that!? He has told me that there's never been another woman that he climaxed with nearly EVERY time. Yes he is skilled, no question, but we are magic TOGETHER. I've only been with 7 men including him, and two of them were only once or twice. He's been with 50+, but they were a lot of one timers. I know that if I'm not his best already, then I never will be because even though we are still super hot for each other we have simmered down a LOT. If the passion and heat and chemestry that we shared in the beginning of our relationship added to the amount of sex that we had wasn't enough to make me the best, then I don't know WHAT the hell his best did to earn that title. I just don't understand how ANYONE could have been better! We were so amazing...how could what he had with her possibly be BETTER? Link to postShare on other sitesPhateless
It makes sense... but that's exactly why I actively choose not to ask these kinds of questions - because I know I will mind-F_ _ _ myself. Once you know the answer, it's only natural that all the other thoughts start pouring in. If you don't know, even if you wonder, you can just convince yourself that you really don't care and it really doesn't matter. Truth is, it doesn't matter. I remember talking to a girl a while ago who asked how many girls I've been with. I told her because it's not that many, but I didn't ask it back. I really didn't want to know, didn't want to picture her with someone else... I just figured it was irrelevant and I didn't really care. I was happier for my decision. FolderWife and SmartGirl - good luck getting past these insecurities. It's gonna be tough. Link to postShare on other siteswhichwayisup
Maybe it's not better, but different. I dunno. Folder, your exH - You two had a very passionate sex life, even though you two had problems. Does your new guy turn you on like your ex did? Is the sex the same? Can you really compare it? Everyone has a past and some things are better left unsaid. HE shouldn't be telling you about his ex and you shouldn't be asking. Also, every relationship has it's hot time, especiallly at the beginning. If only we can bottle that passion, the intensity of it and open that bottle when sometimes that passion fades abit. The key is to work on it together and bring it back - MAKE it hot again! Link to postShare on other sitesPhateless
If a girl asked me that question and really wanted to know I wouldn't tell her. I'd say "psssh, you're more secure than that aren't you? :p" and hope she lets it drop. There's no way I'm stupid enough to touch that one, haha! Link to postShare on other sitessmartgirl
How someone defines "better" varies by person and is changeable. He may mean better in a purely technical way - like he could just lay back and she had a lot of skills learned God only knows where. So, her technique was better. Also, memory is a tricky thing. It may be very memorable with this other person for some reason but not really better if he were to go back and experience it again now. (See the movie High Fidelity for more on this phenomenon) You are thinking in terms of better together and to him, that may be a very different thing. The chemistry between two people is very important, but that is a lot more than sexual chemistry and a lot more than beginning of the relationship chemistry. Check out the link I've provided to the 8 Stages of Intimacy. I recently found this and having been with the same man for 34 years I can say it does a good job of discussing all the layers that should exist in a good relationship and it puts sex in very good perspective I think. http://www.couplescompany.com/advice/Articles/Intimacy_Stages/Intimacy1.htm Phateless - since I gather you are a man, do you have some helpful perspective for Folderwife and I in terms of getting past our "insecurities." Insecurities of this type are not completely unwarranted since I read on the Infidelity forum all the time about men who let these types of comparisons between their SO and another woman lead them to obsess on having that other woman or to become dissatified with their SO. Maybe it takes something else failing in the relationship to make things like this seem of outsized importance to a man. Not being a man, I don't know. Link to postShare on other sitesAlwaysTomorrow
LOL So, you'd rather him lie, lose his integrity and self-respect? Edited March 5, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to postShare on other sites norajane
Aw, come on. We all want to be our lover's best. Edited March 5, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to postShare on other sitesAlwaysTomorrow
Well, he's had 50 partners. Anyway, why don't you just ask him and get all the details. You found a man who keeps it honest. Most men would just lie to their wives and fill them up with delusional thoughts about the way they look and everything about the relationship, therefore never really encroaching on their problems. At least when you know something is wrong, you can both work together to fix it. But this? It's just plain bizarre to do this to yourself. Something are better left a MYSTERY and not said. But if you want my opinion on what exactly was the best sex ever.. it was probably two women or maybe they were in the water, on drugs... who knows.. its was probably pretty kinky though.
Edited March 5, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to postShare on other sitessmartgirl
Always Tomorrow - are you really as unsympathetic and bitter as you sound in your post? This poster wants to feel that she is as special to her BF as he is to her. What is so wrong with that? She wants to feel that she can give him more than the other women he has been with. That may be unrealistic, but it sounds like she loves him and wants to make him happy and wants the best for him that she can give. I don't think she deserves to be bad mouthed for that. Link to postShare on other sitesHow do you know you're the best he's ever had?Well, like everything in life, there are signs. There are things he'll do before, during and after the deed that are dead giveaways that you're the best sensual partner he's ever had.. 1 He's Straight Up Told You.. 2 He Compliments Your Body All The Time. ... . 3 He Has To Really Recover. ... . 4 He's Down For It Wherever, Whenever. ... . How do you know if a guy is truly done with you?30 Signs Your Ex Is Over You and Not Pretending!. They don't call you anymore. ... . They are seeing someone new. ... . They don't want to hang out. ... . They can be in the same room with you without feeling sad. ... . They stop flirting. ... . They try to set you up with someone else. ... . They return your stuff. ... . They ask for their stuff back.. How do you know if your boyfriend is not good for you?It may be time to give up on to the romantic idea that he is perfect for you.. Being around him is never fun. ... . Your dreams don't matter to him. ... . He rarely does the little things. ... . He gives you space (good)…by totally ignoring you (bad). ... . He is not there emotionally. ... . He does not challenge you to be better. ... . His friends.. What do you do when your boyfriend doesn't value you anymore?How do you make him realize your value. Disappear yourself. The way to make a mate see how essential you genuinely are to their life and recognize the fact they take you for granted is to make yourself as unavailable to your partner as they are to you. ... . Don't initiate contact. ... . Let go of helping. ... . Start saying “no” ... . Communicate.. |
My boyfriend said Im not the best hes ever had
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