Best friends aren’t always forever, and not all relationships have happy endings. Whether you are trying to cope with losing your best friend to a guy or girl, a betrayal, or dealing with friends who abandon you, it can be really hard to move on. Like all grieving processes, a lost or broken friendship can be painful and will take time to recover from. This is especially true with a best friend because grief increases according to the level of closeness in the friendship.[1] Over time, the pain, anger, and sadness tend to lessen, and most people are able to move on.[2] Whether your goal is to win your best friend back, to get over a best friend who hurt you, or learn how to accept that a friendship is over, this article can help you find ways to move forward. 1. Take time to cool offStrong emotions can make it hard to see things clearly. If you had a bad fight or argument, it can take time for the dust to settle. Until it does, it is often best to avoid speaking or acting, as you are more likely to regret decisions made in the heat of the moment.[3] Reacting too quickly can make things worse, causing you to say or do things that make things worse. To avoid adding more guilt and regret, it’s a good idea not to contact your friend until you’ve both had time to cool off. This way, you will be more able to express yourself without being rude. 2. Assess the relationship with a clear headWhen emotions run high, it’s hard to see things clearly and understand the true scale of the problem. Waiting until some time has passed makes it easier for you to assess your friendship with a clear head, and also helps you to be more clear about whether you want to repair it.[3] Sometimes conflicts are symptoms of a deeper problem or issue in the relationship and can even be signs that the friendship is toxic or unhealthy. Conflicts are often a time when friendships are re-evaluated and put to the test. Sometimes learning the differences between real friends and fake friends can help.[3] After the initial hurt or anger has passed, reflect on these questions to determine whether the friendship can be repaired:
3. Acknowledge your feelingsBecause relationships sometimes end in other ways besides one person dying, it’s possible to experience grief after a really bad argument, fight, or betrayal. Grief is the incredibly painful feeling of sadness, loss, and emptiness a person feels when they lose something or someone they really love and care about. Grief involves a range of different emotions that occur over a period of time after a person experiences a loss. It’s normal to experience shock, sadness, yearning, anger, and regret, and these feelings can also fluctuate and change throughout the grieving process.[2] 4. Understand what went wrongWhile it might have felt like your relationship with your best friend was rock solid, the reality is that friendships are fragile and easily broken.[4] The most common causes of breakups between best friends include:[4]
By reflecting on what went wrong with your friendship, you can often gain insight that helps you accept and make peace with what happened. Also, finding out what went wrong can provide an important lesson that can help you grow, improve, and avoid making the same mistakes again.[4] In this guide, you can find more advice on how to get over a friendship breakup. 5. Use your support systemYou can’t replace your best friend or the special place they had in your life, but leaning on your support system can help ease the loneliness of a breakup. If you don’t have a support system and need to grow your social circle, you might find this guide on how to meet people and make new friends helpful. If you need someone to talk to and can’t rely on friends or family, read our article on what to do if you have no friends or family. Be clear and ask for the kind of help and support you need from others, instead of assuming they will know the right thing to do or say. For example, let them know if you want them to listen to give advice when you vent or ask them to come by to hang out if you’re feeling lonely. 6. Know that healing takes timeAccording to recent research, there are specific stages of grief that a person goes through after losing a loved one or having a relationship end. This process also has an estimated timeline, with one study suggesting that it normally takes about 6 months after a loss to go through the 5 stages. Over the course of this time, most people go through the following stages:[2] Stage 1: Disbelief, shock, and denial Stage 2: Yearning and a desire to reconnect Stage 3: Anger towards the person/circumstances Stage 4: Depression, feeling sad, empty, or down Stage 5: Acceptance of the loss, closure (increases over the 6 month period) If your symptoms of grief are severe, last longer than 6 months, or interfere with your ability to function, it may be a sign of a mental health condition, and professional counseling or treatment may be needed. 7. Be a better friend to yourselfIt will be easier to heal and recover from a friendship that ended badly if you are kind and compassionate with yourself. Stop obsessing over the mistakes you made and regrets you have. Instead, work on forgiving yourself and moving forward. It can be hard to cultivate self-compassion, but doing so is important. In studies, people who were more self-compassionate were happier, healthier, more resilient, and also had better relationships.[5] Here are some ways to become more self-compassionate:[5]
8. Keep living your lifeSometimes, people who are going through stress, hardship, or grief will withdraw and put their life on pause, but this tends to make them feel worse. While you might need to take some time to grieve before jumping back into work, your routine, or your social life, don’t let this become the new normal. Doing less, isolating yourself, and putting important activities on an indefinite pause is a recipe for depression. If it’s been weeks since you saw your friends, combed your hair, or went to the gym, push yourself to get back to some sense of normalcy. While it can be hard at first, getting out and being more productive and social is one of the best remedies for depression.[6] 9. Don’t erase your memoriesDeleting any mental records of your best friend may provide temporary relief, but it won’t help you move through the grief process. In fact, avoiding these happy memories can stunt the grief process by keeping you from being able to move towards acceptance. For better or worse, your best friend was an important part of your life, and you probably shared a lot of memories together. While you don’t have to keep pictures of them on your nightstand or as your social media profile picture, it isn’t healthy to completely try to remove all traces of them from your past. 10. Find ways to get closureGetting closure can help you move forward, regardless of whether this changes the outcome of your friendship. Sometimes, it’s possible to get closure with your friend by asking them to talk through things once you’ve both cooled off. According to experts, the best way to have these important conversations is face-to-face, so try to arrange an in-person meeting.[3] Advertisement Some examples of things you can control when trying to talk with your ex-best friend include:
In some cases, it’s not possible, healthy, or a good idea to try to talk with your friend. If this is the case, you may benefit from trying one of the following closure rituals on your own:[7]
11. Strengthen your other friendshipsWhile no one can ‘replace’ your best friend, it may be possible to make new friends or deepen your connection with existing friends. Close friendships are important for a happy and fulfilling life, and losing a friend doesn’t have to mean a life of solitude or having no friends. If you want to get closer with your friends, spending more one-on-one time with them, opening up more and going deeper in your conversations, and leaning on them for support can help. These are all great ways to build trust and closeness with your existing friends and can sometimes lead to deeper and more rewarding relationships. Often, you can take some of the lessons you learned from what went wrong in your past friendships to improve your current friendships by:
12. Don’t let trust issues taint your other relationshipsWhen a best friend betrays you, abandons you, or isn’t there when you need them, it’s normal to develop trust issues with friends. Sometimes, these can bubble over into other relationships, causing you to shut down, withdraw, or be less open with people who haven’t done anything to break your trust. If you notice these patterns developing, try to interrupt them by:
Final thoughtsMourning the loss of a best friend is difficult and painful, and like any form of grief, it is a process that takes time to heal from. In some cases, the loss is temporary, and it is possible to repair the friendship after some time has passed and you are both seeing things more clearly. Other times, the friendship may have been damaged in ways that aren’t possible to repair. Take care of your own emotional needs, making sense of what happened, and using coping skills and your support system to help you grieve this loss and move on with your life. Common questions about losing a best friendIs my friendship broken, or can it be repaired?Sometimes friendships can be repaired, and trust can be restored, but it requires the willingness and effort of both people. Even when you are both willing to put in the effort, it doesn’t guarantee that things will go back to normal. How can you cope with losing a best friend to death?The death of a best friend can be devastating, shocking, and heartbreaking. Many people benefit from counseling or therapy, especially if their friend’s death was untimely or unexpected, which makes it harder to accept. We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist's office. Their plans start at $64 per week. If you use this link, you get 20% off your first month at BetterHelp + a $50 coupon valid for any SocialSelf course: Click here to learn more about BetterHelp. (To receive your $50 SocialSelf coupon, sign up with our link. Then, email BetterHelp’s order confirmation to us to receive your personal code. You can use this code for any of our courses.) How do you deal with a friend who ghosts you?The grief that comes when a friend ghosts you, disappears, or stops talking to you can be more difficult, causing you to question what went wrong. If this happens, you may need to pull back and work on getting closure on your own through some of the rituals described earlier. How long does it take to get over losing a best friend?According to research on people experiencing grief, it can take up to 6 months to fully grieve the loss of a loved one. By this time, your sadness, anger, and grief should feel less intense, and it should be easier to accept the loss and move on.[2] What if my ex-best friend and I have mutual friends?If possible, try to keep your conflict contained and form an agreement to not involve your other friends. If they don’t honor this and it becomes messy, you may need to make some additional cuts to your friend group. What do I do if I still have to see this person?Not all friendship breakups are “clean breaks,” and you may need to think
about what you will say or do when you see your old friend at work, school, or social events. If possible, try to be cordial and polite, but avoid deeper conversations that could lead to conflict. Show references + References
Why does losing a best friend hurt so much?It's Easy for Your Lives to Converge - When it comes to friends, we so seamlessly introduce them to family, loved ones and other friends. They become integrated into our lives without a thought, as we do theirs. This happens faster than it would in a romantic build-up, so it's uncomfortable once they're gone.
Is losing your best friend normal?Losing and gaining friends is a normal part of life. If you feel that your friends don't quite fit your personality and lifestyle anymore, reach out, and form some new relationships. A friend should be one who can help you out when you are in genuine need and with whom you are comfortable.
How do I get my best friend back?How to get your best friend back – The most important steps that work. Assess what happened. ... . Give them space. ... . Put yourself in your best friend's shoes. ... . Make amends. ... . Don't get defensive. ... . Let them speak. ... . Talk about what you need to change. ... . Put in some effort.. |