What does it mean to accept someone for who they are?

I admit it: Whether close to home or far away, I wish some people were different. Depending on who they are, I wish they'd stop doing things like leaving cabinet doors open in our kitchen, sending me spam emails, or turning a blind eye to global warming. And I wish they'd start doing things like being friendlier toward me or spending more money on public education. Even if it doesn't affect me directly, for their own sake I do wish that various people I care about were more energetic, less anxious, or less self-critical.

In what ways do you wish that people were different? Think about the people close to you — friends, family, mates — as well as co-workers, drivers on the highway, businesspeople, media types, politicians, and world leaders. Think about people who are not doing their share of housework, not getting you the healthcare you need, promoting political policies that you dislike if not despise, etc.

It's normal to wish that others were different, just like it's normal to wish that you, yourself, were different (e.g., thinner, richer, wiser). It's fine to try to influence others in skillful, ethical ways.

But problems come when we tip into righteousness, resistance, anger, fault-finding, badgering, or any other kind of struggle.

Over the past several months, I've been writing JOTs about my personal Top 5 practices (all tied for first place), which are: Be mindful, love, take in the good, go green, and open out. "Opening out" — my current focus — means relaxing into a growing sense of connection, even oneness, with all things. This is hard to do when we're struggling with other people!

Instead, we could accept them for who they are and for who they are not.

Accepting people does not itself mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your own rights, or downplaying their impact upon you. You can still take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can simply let people be. Either way, you accept the reality of the other person. You may not like it, you may not prefer it, you may feel sad or angry about it, but at a deeper level, you are at peace with it. That alone is a blessing. And sometimes, your shift to acceptance can help things get better.

How?

Pick someone who is important to you. (You can do this practice with multiple people.) In your mind, out loud, or in writing, say things like these and see how you feel: "I accept you completely. Countless causes, large and small, have led you to think, speak, and act the way you do. You are who you are. I let it be. You are a fact and I accept the facts in my life. You and I are part of a larger whole that is what it is, and I accept it, too."

If you like, be more specific, naming aspects of this person that particularly bother you, such as: "I accept that you . . . snore . . . leave your clothes on the floor . . . are still angry with me . . . have little natural interest in sex . . . are fighting me tooth-and-nail in this divorce . . . don't really understand me . . . are not a good teacher for my child . . . break the law . . . hurt people on a large scale . . . " (And remember that you can still disagree with, make requests of, or stand up to other people - while accepting them fully.)

See if you can tolerate what comes up for you when you soften into acceptance. Often we avoid accepting other people as a way to avoid the feelings we'd have if we opened wide to everything they are and everything they're not.

Consider how you have gotten tangled up with this other person, struggling to change them. When I do this myself, I become aware of my own rightness, positionality, judgments, pushiness, irritability, narrow views, hurts, longings, grievances, or remorse. See if you can let go of some, even all of these entanglements. Open to the easing, relief, and peace that can come when you do.

Also, consider how much you like it when you feel that another person accepts you completely. It's a beautiful gift — and we can give it ourselves to others when we accept them. Imagine how it might improve your relationship with someone if that person felt you accepted him or her fully. Acceptance is a gift that gives back.

For more information, see my website.

One of the ways to a healthy and successful relationship is genuinely accepting your partner for who they are. However, most couples fail to recognize this fact because they are either too busy looking for perfection or too occupied focusing on their partner’s flaws.

If you’re currently facing the same challenges in your relationship, don’t worry. This article will help you figure out different ways to help you overcome them.

Here are some inspiring tips on how to learn to accept someone for who they are in a relationship.

1. Treat your partner as an actual human being.

And not just as an object to be admired and to be possessed. Accepting someone for who they are,  does not mean treating them as a prize or an accessory to be displayed in front of your peers.

Treat them as a human being capable of love and care. Respect them as a person and accept them as an equal. Love them the way you want to be loved and be thankful that you have someone like them in your life.

2. Respect their beliefs and acknowledge their opinions.

You do not have to share the same opinions and subscribe to the same beliefs all the time. As unique individuals, you should be entitled to your own definition of and reaction towards the world around you.

Accepting someone for who they are means acknowledging the fact that you will always disagree on not just one but many things – and it’s okay.

ALSO READ: How to Treat Your Girlfriend with Respect

3. Accept their imperfections and embrace their flaws.

But beware: there is a big difference between accepting someone’s weaknesses and forgiving a person’s abusive behavior.

The former talks about how you accept your significant other’s physical and emotional weaknesses. For instance, your partner may not be as talented as you, or they don’t really share your level of confidence when it comes to socializing. These can all be learned in time.

On the other hand, the latter talks about how someone can be emotionally and physically abusive to their significant other. Accepting these flaws means letting them hurt you because you still hope that they’ll change. This is a dangerous and toxic relationship and should not be tolerated.

4. Don’t force them to change but guide them to be better.

It’s unfair for someone to force another person to change how they live their life. After all, we are all unique individuals following different paths and being guided by different beliefs.

As a partner, you have to respect these differences. As long as you know that their decisions and their lifestyle are not hurting them, then you just have to accept them and love them for who they are. With patience and respect, they will grow up and become a better person in time.

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to Inspire Your Partner to Change for the Better

5. Know their story and understand their motivations.

Sometimes, you’ll never understand why they do what they do. There will always be decisions that can be confusing for you and there are even moments when you start to question their own sanity just because they don’t agree with how you want things to be done. So how do you deal with it?

You have to know where they are coming from and what made them who they are. You have to know their story and respect the lessons that their life has taught them. Trust them to do the right thing not just because you love them but because you believe in them.

6. Never compare them with other people from your past.

Never ever compare them with the people you have met and loved in the past. For others, this is an ultimate deal-breaker and it is probably the most painful and hurtful thing that you’ll ever do to your partner.

Love them for who they are and don’t go looking for more. Move on from the past and accept this person in your present. If you can’t do that, then you don’t deserve their love.

7. Love them for who they are on the inside.

What made you fall in love with them in the first place? It’s not their physical appearance but it’s what’s inside them – their heart and soul, their personality, their smile and the little things that make them special.

Love is not blind. In fact, it helps people to see everything that they’ve been missing all their life: a unique and special soul who will bring genuine happiness and joy to their days.

8. Understand that their past does not define them.

Whatever they did in the past has nothing to do with your present, especially when it comes to your relationship. People change and they are allowed to be forgiven for the mistakes and the bad things that they have done years ago.

Their past may be a part of who they are but you don’t get to judge them for it. What you can do is to make them feel that you accept them for who they are now.

9. Be patient and give them time to grow.

Maturity can make a huge difference in making a relationship last, but there are couples who do not share the same level of understanding and experience especially if they have this gap in terms of age.

No matter how compatible you believe you are, sometimes the difference in maturity can affect the relationship in a bad way. Your role, as someone older and more experienced, is this: wait for them. Be patient and guide them to be the best person that they are meant to be.

10. Be proud of what they have become and show it.

Be proud of your partner for who they are and what they have become. Knowing their past, their stories and the struggles that they have bravely faced compliment them for a job well done.

The best way of accepting someone for who they are in a relationship is to be happy about their achievements and to show the world that you are proud of them.

Remember, there is no other ideal and sweet act to show your love for someone than to tell them that they are perfect in their own imperfect way.

Online courses recommended for you:

• Relationship Coaching: Transform Problems into Growth & Love:
  Develop true love & greater intimacy & a relationship growth mindset, stop destructive conflicts, find meaning & purpose.
• Love & Connection: The Science of Successful Relationships:
  This course will show you how to examine the unknown path that you’ll travel with your spouse, and carefully evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship.

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ALSO READ:

22 Signs of True Love in a Relationship

Charm is a writer and a student. She is currently completing her Graduate Degree in Language Studies while refining her creativity and related skills through the visual arts: drawing and painting.

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