To understand well how narcissists reacts when you stop chasing them, let me first explain why people in general feel bad when someone stops loving them. If you think that the main reason why we feel bad when someone rejects us is because we loved that person so much then you are only partially correct. One of the main reasons why we feel bad
when someone stops loving us is our hurt ego. “Did I become a boring person?” “Am I not that good looking anymore?” “Did they find someone better than me?” These are some of the thoughts that run in the person’s head after being dumped. A narcissist’s self-esteem and happiness greatly depends on the outside sources. This means that a narcissist will feel worthy only if other people think he is worthy. Since no one ever tells someone else directly that they are worthy, one of the ways a
narcissist can tell that other people think they are worthy is measuring how much they are loved. The more they feel loved and admired by other people, the better they feel about themselves. When you constantly chase a narcissist, you not only help them feel good about themselves but you also make them feel happier. It doesn’t matter whether they are in love with you or not. Even if you were a total stranger, your constant attention would still be beneficial. Like everyone else,
narcissists hate to lose what they already have. When you stop chasing them they will certainly feel bad but the intensity of that feeling will greatly depend on how insecure they are, the conclusions they make, and how much they value you. The more insecure a narcissist is the worse they feel when someone ignores them and when they get rejected. If you gave the narcissist explanations why you are done with them they won’t feel that bad especially if the explanations didn’t touch their
insecurities. On the other hand, if you stopped chasing them without giving any explanation, they will try to understand if you stopped loving them because you find out something bad about them. See: why do we obsess over those who don’t like us. Below are some of the common ways narcissists react when
you stop chasing them: The idea of chasing a narcissist can be dreadful. But then again, would a narcissist want you to chase them, or would they want the opposite? Here are some helpful insights from experts: Table of Contents
They don’t always want you to chase themNarcissists always want control. They don’t always want you to chase them. It depends on what they want at the moment, but they always want to control you and to get you to do whatever they want at any given moment. If they’re feeling lonely and insecure, they may want you to chase them. If they need space so that they can cheat, triangulate, smear you, or find their next target, then they will want you to leave them alone. What a narcissist wants shifts rapidly from moment to moment, but what they always want is control, and they have ways to test out how much control they still have over you. Narcissists use classical and operant conditioning and intermittent reinforcement to train you to behave the way they want. In the same way that we use a remote control to change the channel, narcissists condition your responses.
Throughout their relationship with you, they are testing out these buttons and making sure that you respond accordingly. They need you to chase them to satisfy their internal insecurityNarcissists are adults stuck in the mind of a toddler. They’re insecure, desperate for attention, and focused on getting what they need. Unlike innocent kids, however, narcissists manipulate with intent, irrespective of the consequences it will have on others. Once you’ve been identified as a source of narcissistic supply, they’ll do everything in their power to make you dependent on them. They need you to chase them to satisfy their internal insecurity. The rush of grandiosity they feel when being glorified is enough to distract them from reality. How it all startsFrom the outside in, it’s pretty easy to spot a narcissist, but when you’re the victim, the red flags are all in disguise. One of the reasons it’s so hard to know in the midst of everything is because relationships with a narcissist seem perfect at first. A narcissist will shower you with love, gifts, and all your desires. They want you to feel safe, committed for life, and deeply connected to them. It’s called love bombing, and like everything else a narcissist does, it’s a scam (and the first step to get a victim to chase the narcissist). Once you let your guard down, the narcissist strikesFor most people, they realize this far too late. Once the initial love-bombing happens, victims fall for the narcissist deeply. Thinking the narcissist could never do anything hurtful, they let their guard down, and then, the narcissist strikes.
How they solidify the victim’s dependenceWith all the gaslighting, the victim thinks they’re the problem. They’ll try to make amends by following the narcissist’s increasingly demanding requests, to no avail. The narcissist loves the free attention and the impression that they’re needed, and they’ll continue to cycle between love-bombing the victim, devaluing them, and abandoning them. The victim is in an extremely vulnerable state. They need support, though all they do is give their emotional energy to the narcissist. Whatever “love” they get is fleeting and followed by devaluation. If the victim tries to leave, the narcissist might threaten to harm themselves, trapping the victim. What it takes to leaveIt’s highly unlikely that the narcissist will ever change. There’s a possibility that the narcissist gets bored of the victim and finds someone else to traumatize, though it’s difficult to bank on that. Often, the victim needs to leave and go no-contact. Related: How Does a Narcissist Handle Rejection and No Contact This in itself can be difficult, but the narcissist makes it ten times worse by constantly coming back to “fix things,” “make amends,” or claim self-harm when they’re really trying to trap the victim yet again. Some victims may find that they need a support group of people who’re going through the same thing to leave (as the narcissist will often brainwash the victim’s family and friends). Warning signs that a narcissist is trying to lure you in:
Related: Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back They like pursuing and being pursuedThey like both pursuing and being pursued; ultimately, they want to control. Narc’s feel good when they control the happiness of others. They get Narcissistic supply from controlling their target’s happiness. If the victim pursues them, the Narc can control the flow of joy by being out of reach and unattainable, just out of reach, seemingly won, and then out of reach again, in a continuing cycle. They can get a supply hit from seeing their target’s efforts to pursue. When they appear “gotten,” they can get a hit of supply from knowing that it is all a ruse, a game, and then they can get a bit hit supply from dropping the victim, disconnecting, ghosting, and then another by reappearing. By controlling and creating more pleasure in their targets, they can also get hits of narcissistic supply by withdrawing that source. So while a typical relationship on an extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows three stages:
Related: 25+ Signs You Are in a Narcissistic Relationship They like it when their target is discarded and still wants them and pursues them, and that is one way the cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round where the narcissist and get the golden ring again and again. Dr. Cali Estes, PhD, MCAP, MAC, ICADC  Psychologist | Cognitive Behavioral Therapist | Founder, The Addictions Coach The thrill of the chase is like a drug to a narcissistThe thrill of the chase for the narcissist is like a drug to them. It peaks their dopamine in their brain as cocaine would, and they cannot seem to get enough of it. In fact, the narcissists love the chase and will create new chases with individuals they are grooming or even new individuals they just met. Therefore, they ‘love bomb’ you. The showering of love and affections creates the chase when they pull back and ghost you. Now you want more of the love and affection, so you chase them to get it. They withhold this love and affection and even verbally abuse you until you are about to walk away, and then BAM! Love bombing again, which re-creates the chase. How to cripple a narcissist If you want to cripple a narcissist from the love bomb and chase routine that they have grown accustomed to, don’t chase them. Ignore them. It is the equivalent of not giving them any happy pills. Dopamine is the brain’s happy chemical, and if you restrict it from them, they will have a meltdown, like a 5-year-old in Target that couldn’t get the new toy. What happens next is actually interesting to watch. After the meltdown, they will ignore you and then triple love bomb you, they need you more than you need them, and the fact that they cannot get you to chase them confuses and intimates them. At this point, even a negative chase will light up their dopamine pathways. Resist the urge to text or call, and you will cripple their superpowers. It is important to know that narcissistic personality disorder is something that needs to be diagnosed by a licensed therapist after meeting with someone for a period of one year. With that said, a lot of people like to go generally and loosely label others as narcissists because they just don’t like how they’re being treated. Well, some people may fall into this category, but not everyone who is called a narcissist actually has a narcissistic personality disorder. People who have narcissistic personality disorder struggle to connect to other people’s emotions and often have shut out their own emotions so much that they don’t know how to empathize with others. They often had a parent who was narcissistic to them and taught them that their feelings were invalid and did not matter when they were a child. In adulthood, someone with narcissistic personality disorder likes to feel powerful and likes to feel like they are the hero. Related: How a Narcissistic Parent Affects a Child This might mean that they like to buy things for their significant other and be seen as a hero in this way. This might also mean that they like to support their partner in other ways. However, someone with narcissistic personality disorder gets highly triggered when they feel a sense of rejection or lack of appreciation and often get very critical because they don’t know how to express these feelings. They will often blame someone else, and it will be very hard for them to take accountability for a mistake. They may deeply crave the connection that an empathetic person provides. An empathetic person is highly in tune with her emotions, sensitive to the needs of others, and is a really great caretaker. An empathetic person may also be called an indigo child or an empath. An empath likes to care for a narcissist because they see a narcissist as needing someone emotional, nurturing in their lives, so this is supportive for both at first. However, a narcissist and empath can easily end up in what we like to call a “trauma bond.” This is the negative cycle of verbal abuse. Chasing is a form of domestic violence — domestic violence is very common in a trauma bond. Working with a professional therapist in an individual format and in a couple therapy format (when appropriate) can allow you to:
Most narcissists would love for you to chase themInstead of love, Narcissists value attention, power, and control. By you chasing them, this gives them all of these at the same time. If you are ending a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is to grey rock them. Grey rocking means that when they contact you, you want to remain flat, stoic, appearing to have no emotion. This is the opposite of what they desire. When you do this, Narcissists will often try to get a reaction to see if you still care. They may bring up hurtful stories from the past, or they may criticize you to see if you still care. Another way to think of Narcissists is that they are emotional vampires. They feed off the energy you give them, whether it’s positive or negative, so chasing them gives them exactly what they want. Narcissists do want you to chase them because it makes them feel more desiredYes, narcissists do want you to chase them. It makes them feel more desired. For narcissists, relationships are more like a business transaction. They love to be the center of attention. And, if you chase them, that is all the attention they need. It also further fuels their ego. Narcissists even tend to ghost you, which can leave people hanging. In such a case, individuals often go after the narcissist. It boosts their self-esteem, and they keep up this confusing behavior. My advice would be to never chase a narcissistic person. If you do so, you encourage the sense of superiority they have and play right into their hands. It does not matter to the narcissist who chases who as long as they get whatever it is they wantBeing told yes is much more important to the narcissist than being chased by someone they have no interest in. The ego of a narcissist requires constant feeding, which comes in the form of having others continuously praise and affirm how special they are. Narcissists see themselves as winners who are able to get whatever it is they truly want. Rejection and failure are for losers in their eyes. Whenever a narcissist does not get what they want, they simply reframe the situation in such a way that they claim it actually worked out to their advantage. A narcissist’s inner circle is not simply made up of their mate, family, and close friends. These people are expected to behave as if they are also his or her biggest fans. Anyone who dares to speak truth to power or demands to be treated equally will likely find themselves removed from the inner circle. The motto of the average narcissist is in line with the old adage: “It’s my way or the highway.” What happens when you dont chase a narcissist?Once you let your guard down, the narcissist strikes
Thinking the narcissist could never do anything hurtful, they let their guard down, and then, the narcissist strikes. They'll start pulling away from the relationship to test your reaction. They'll start twisting the truth and blaming you for their problems.
What happens when you don't chase a narcissist after discard?They will lash out – narcissists thrive on using others as a source to make them feel important. If you ignore them and deny them of their source, they may become enraged. They will essentially have a tantrum and throw insults and threats at you.
How does a narc feel when you cut them off?Narcissists hate losing their supply, so they won't let you go easily. Prepare for them to promise "to change." They might suddenly start doing things for you that you'd been complaining about. They may say "you'll be lost without me," or "you'll never find someone like me." Don't listen, Orloff advises.
What happens when you walk away from a narc?When you walk away from a narcissistic relationship, you gain the strength of letting go. You realize that you cannot change someone's perspective, someone's opinion, or even their actions and treatment of you. What you can change, however, is where you go next.
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What happens when you stop chasing a narc?
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