Who should text first after a first date

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When it comes to texting after a first date, the content of your messages and the energy between the two of you matter way more than the frequency of your texts. A lot of people put a ton of energy and thought into when to text, or how often to text, but you can generally trust your gut here. If the energy was there, text as often as you’d like! With that said, you may want to be a little more thoughtful about your texting habits, and that’s okay too. If you want to know more about the etiquette these days on texting after first dates, we’ve got you covered.

1. 

   Once the date ends, feel free to shoot them a text if you’re into them! If things went well, don’t worry about violating any kind of social norm here. Let them know you had fun and that you hope to see them again. If they like you too, they’ll be happy to see your text pop up on the screen.[1]

   • You might say, “Hey thanks for the great night! I really had a lot of fun :)” or, “That was a blast. We should do it again some time!”
   • People get self-conscious about this, and a lot of 21+ folks grew up hearing adages about waiting a certain amount of time before texting. That’s kind of outdated advice these days.

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1. 

   If you want to know if they’re super into you, give it a little. You don’t want to wait more than 24 hours to text them if you really like them, but it’s totally okay to wait a little to see if they hit you up first. If they do text you first, it’s a major sign that the date went just as well as you imagined![2]

   • You can try playing hard to get by waiting a little bit after getting their text to reply, but it’s also totally fine to reply right away! That will signal that you’re just as interested as they are.

1. 

   If you just had one date and the sparks didn’t fly, it’s okay to wait. This is particularly salient advice if you’re on the older side and you and your date both have a lot going on professionally or personally. A single date isn’t a big deal, so it’s totally fine to take a few days before reaching out.[3] You could text them:

   • “Hey Alex, I hope you’re doing well. I was wondering if you’d be interested in grabbing some lunch this weekend if you’re free?”
   • “Nicole! I had a great time the other day. Want to get a drink at some point next week?”

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1. 

   Feel things out with the other person to see how you two click. A single text a day gives the other person something to respond to without making you seem too desperate or uncaring. If they hit you back really quick and the two of you text up a storm, let it happen! If your conversations are more sporadic, that’s okay, too. This gives the two of you time to establish a rapport and set a vibe.[4]

   • A simple, “Hey! How are you doing?” is a perfectly safe and laid-back way to go.
   • You could ask something open-ended, like, “How was your day?” or, “What was the highlight of your day?” to give them something to respond to.

1. 

   If the two of you hit it off right away, don’t overthink it. It’s easy to get up in your head about whether you’re texting too often, or not enough, or whatever. If the date went well, you’re into them, and you get the vibe that they’re into you, text as much as you’d like. So long as your conversations aren’t really lopsided where one of you is sending multiple messages before the other responds, it’s totally okay.[5]

   • The etiquette surrounding texting after a first date used to be very conservative and concrete. These days, people treat texting like an extension of a regular conversation, so don’t be super self-conscious here.

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1. 

   If you don’t want to seem too eager, read, wait, then reply. If you respond to the other person’s texts as soon as you get them, it can leave the impression that you’re hanging on their every word. If you want to come off a little more laid back, wait a few minutes after you get each text before you reply. This won’t damage the conversation, and you may come off as a little more mysterious![6]

   • The other benefit here is that it gives you time to think about what you’re going to say. Even just 30-60 seconds of meditation on each text may really help you figure out the perfect thing to say!

1. 

   If the conversations are not dynamic or fleshed out, curb your texting. Every budding relationship is not built on a foundation of constant (or even interesting) text conversations. If your date went well and you feel like the vibe was right but your text conversations just aren’t flowing, it’s okay! Just slow down. Take a more leisurely pace and respond within a few hours.[7]

   • Your date might just be really bad at texting. If your first date went well, it’s possible that they’re just one of those people who don’t check their texts, or forget to respond.

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1. 

   If you (or they) are still feeling things out, just take your time. Shoot them a text every 2-3 days just to remind them that you’re there and see if you can spark something. It’s totally normal to not know right away whether a relationship has legs or not, so send them a text periodically. If they latch on and pick the convo up, awesome! If the conversation peters out, try again in a few days.[8] You could say:

   • “I just saw something that reminded me of you!”
   • “How are you doing? I’ve been crazy busy at work. What have you been up to?”
   • “Hey, remember when you were telling me about that band? I think they’re on tour and coming to our city next month. You want to go?”

1. 

   Give the conversation time to breathe and don’t double-down. If you send too many texts in a row, it can give the impression that you’re desperate, or clingy. Even if that isn’t true, just wait for a response. It’s easy to overthink it when you like someone, but they’re probably busy or just put their phone down for a few. They’ll get back to you![9]

   • You can send one follow-up text the next day or so, but don’t send more than that.

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1. 

   It’s one thing if they miss a text, but if they ghost you, stop texting. Don’t penalize them or read into it too much if they hit you with a “Oh, sorry, I got caught up and forgot to reply” once or twice. However, if you’ve texted them a few times and they haven’t replied at all, don’t text them again. They may simply be too weak to acknowledge that they don’t want to go on a second date, and if that’s the case, you’re better off without them anyway.[10]

   • If they felt a little cold or detached on the first date as well, they probably aren’t into it. However, if you feel like the date went well and they’re just awful at texting afterwards, try calling them! Maybe they’re just uniquely awful at texting.

1. 

   If you aren’t texting back and forth during the day, talk at night! Frequent back and forth texting during the day is normal if you’ve committed to a relationship, but you (or they) may not want to move so fast. If you want to talk regularly but not overdo it, chat at the end of each night. The two of you can discuss your days and continue to get to know one another better.[11] You might try:

   • “I had a really long day. My boss is giving me the hardest time with this new project I’m on. How was your day?”
   • “What was the best part of your day today?”
   • You can also test the waters to see where they’re at by texting a basic, “Hey!”

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1. 

   If you’re dating around and exploring things, there’s no need to text. You can wait for them to hit you up first, or just simply keep your options open and move on. If you want to call them, go for it, but don’t feel obliged to keep texting someone after one date if you’re not in that space right now.[12]

   • A single date does not need to be a big deal. If they’re texting you frequently and you’re just not into it, let them know and keep it moving. You’re not locked into anything after a single date.

1. 

   It’s better to talk over the phone if you’re really interested, so call them! Texting is calculated. Each person has enough time in between receiving a text and formulating a response to curate what they say. It’s not organic! If you really want to get to know one another better, call them. [13]

   • Don’t skip the text message and go straight to the phone call if you just had one date with this person. Most folks these days won’t pick up if it has only been one date.[14]

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1. 

   There is nothing wrong with asking for a second date over text. If the two of you have been chatting back and forth, the vibe is right, just go for it! Even if the energy isn’t off the charts and there’s potential here, you may still want to go for it. In any case, asking them out over text is a good laid-back, low-stakes way to do it.[15] You might say:

   • “So, should we do that again next week? We already grabbed dinner, how about a movie?”
   • “Hey, I had an awesome time last Friday and I’ve loved chatting this week. Any interest in meeting up for round two next Saturday?”
   • “Hi! No pressure or anything, but want to hang out tomorrow?”

Add New Question

• Question

  So this girl I went out once with and now have been chatting regularly has left me without response like twice. Should I give it another try or just call it by now?

  

  Catlady69

  Community Answer

  It depends on how long it has been since the no responses. If she doesn't respond for a week, you may want to call it, but there are other factors too, like if she was busy, lost her phone, didn't get the text, etc. All in all, it's your decision, but try to make an educated one.

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References

1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
2. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a22628326/texting-after-first-date/
3. ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
4. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
5. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
6. ↑ https://www.thelist.com/56472/texts-send-first-date/

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