Why am I mean to my BF?

Me (F), age 25 Him, age 26 Dating for 1.5 years, living together for 2 months

My boyfriend and I get along well. I'm his first serious girlfriend, and he's my 3rd real boyfriend. We have a lot of fun together and have talked about marrying in the distant future (4-5 years from now) when we both have stable careers. We never have huge, blow-out fights.

Over the last 8 months or so, I have started snapping at him for stupid things that don't matter. Not washing the dishes right, forgetting something at the store, talking to me when I was busing doing something, etc. When I snap at him, I feel very frustrated but don't know that cause of it. I don't know why I do it. He doesn't deserve it, and I dearly want to stop being like this! I know it hurts him. When I get in this mood, I cannot seem to help being like this, even though I KNOW it hurts his feelings. :( I always feel bad about it and apologize. What causes me to be in this angry mood and what can I do to stop being so snappy? I know its my fault and not his. I desperately want to stop being like this. Spending time apart doesn't help. I did this with all my past relationships too, so it's nothing specific to him.

EDIT: This may or may not matter but our relationship is a bit odd in that I care about him deeply but don't feel head over heals in love with him as I did about my last. While dating, I loved my ex dearly and thought he was "the one." When it ended, I was deeply depressed for about a year. I swore I would never date someone as emotionally unstable as him again. One day he loved me more than anything; the next day he'd want to break up. We broke up three years ago, and I am 100% sure I'm finally over him. My current boyfriend is very stable emotionally but isn't a particularly emotional person. I like the stability, but his emotional distance has taken some getting used to. He's getting better. Like I said, not sure if this info matters since I was a snappy bitch in all my other relationships too. :( I'm a horrible person.

UPDATE: Thank you all for your responses! There is a lot of great information here. I was hoping to talk to my boyfriend last night, but he's been really busy with work. We have a quiet evening planned tomorrow night, so I'm going to talk to him then.

PLAN OF ACTION (in no particular order):

Talk to my boyfriend about how my bitchiness isn't his fault and that I am committed to stop doing it. I'll explain that I get like that because of other stress in my life, and I unfairly take it out on him because we're so comfortable around each other. I'll ask him how he feels about it and what he wants me to improve on. I'll tell him that I'm going to try all the following suggestions in this list. I will ask for his support and understanding that I almost certainly won't change overnight but am committed to fix this.

At my next doctor's appointment, talk to her about how the pill might mess with my emotions. I'll also talk to her about my very low blood pressure and any other related health concerns.

Find healthier ways to manage stress and anger. I am starting a workout program (P90X) tomorrow. I'm researching how to meditate and will hopefully get that going soon too. Any other suggestions are welcome!

Really work on my self-control. When I feel myself getting in one of my moods, civilly tell my boyfriend I'm feeling moody and, while it's in no way his fault, I would like a little alone time to cool off. Take some deep breaths and think about why I'm actually upset. Address the actual problems without taking it out on him.

Empowering him by encouraging him to call me out when I've crossed the line. Although I can almost always tell by his expression if I've hurt his feelings, it would probably help me better understand how he feels if he told me I hurt his feelings. Other things I do might also be hurting his feeling without me even knowing.

Sit down with my boyfriend to talk about and make a list of all the good and bad things about our relationship. Talk about the bad and how we can improve them. Also talk about the good and how we can keep those things going.

Compliment him more. A few weeks ago, I started making a huge effort to compliment or thank him for things, even small things. Thanks for taking the trash out, it was a big help when you took the dog for a walk, your hair looks very nice today, etc. I think this has helped a lot. It helps me not be so negative all the time and allows me to focus on all the nice things he does. I know he appreciates the positive feedback. I'm going to keep this up.

Do more fun things outside of the house. We don't go out and do things as much as we used to. We've both been working a lot and the weather has been less than ideal. But I'm going to talk to him about setting time every week to get out of the house and have fun.

If none of this works, I'm going to talk to a counselor. If that doesn't work, maybe we just aren't meant to be. A few people suggested that I'm subconsciously just not into him. My unhappiness in the relationship manifests itself as snappiness towards him. I have sometimes wondered this too, but I've done this in past relationships too and care about him a lot. However, if I can't fix my bitchiness, breaking up is our last option. It isn't fair to him for me to keep treating him like this. He is such a nice guy and deserve to be treated so much better.

He's leaving in a few days and will be gone for two weeks for work. I'll talk to him about everything before he leaves. In a couple of months, I'll post an update with how things are going. THANK YOU again everyone for all your help! :)

As much as all fairy tales and chick flicks harp on about perfect romances and happily ever afters, if you’re in a relationship with a mean boyfriend, you know your love life is far from being a perfect romance. Sometimes, relationships are just a pain in all the wrong places. You might be wondering ‘why is my boyfriend so mean,’ but the reasons may be more complex than you think.

It’s true that if you’re dating a guy who’s really mean, he’s not the guy for you. Or, maybe it’s all just a big silly misunderstanding.

Once the confusions are all sorted out, perhaps you could move on to your own happily ever after.

But first, everything sweet and nice starts with you getting a better understanding of your own relationship.

[Read: The 21 secret signs of a bad relationship you must know]

What does a mean boyfriend do?

You might be wondering what mean actually, well, means then you really don’t have to use your imagination too much.

A mean boyfriend is a guy who belittles you, withholds affection and other things he knows you need, crave, or want, and someone who makes inappropriate comments for the sake of it. The list goes on.

Basically, a mean boyfriend is exactly what a mean person is, except it’s coming from someone who is supposed to love you.

Should you put up with it? No, of course not!

But, some people are pretty mean by nature and it isn’t necessarily about you. That shouldn’t change how you feel though, because nobody should have to put up with being belittled or hurt in this way.

What you need to do is try and figure out ‘why is my boyfriend so mean,’ and see if you can get to the bottom of the issue. That way, maybe you can change the situation around. [Read: The signs of a toxic boyfriend that should make you move away fast]

Why is my boyfriend so mean?

Some guys are just bad boyfriends, and you can’t change them or help them because they don’t want to change. And the more you try to help them become a better person, the more mean and annoying they get. But, that’s not always the case either.

In almost all other cases, it could be a lack of communication or several other little reasons that can be sorted with time. This will also give you a much better understanding of each other’s wants and needs.

While we’re not suggesting by any means that you should put up with a boyfriend who is mean and nasty to you, you may want to do some investigating.

Is there something going on in his life? Does he need support? Or, is he simply a rather nasty person who you really need to move away from? [Read: 20 secret things guys wish girls knew about guys]

Potential reasons why you have a mean boyfriend

If you’re dealing with a boyfriend who ignores you, is rude, or just plain mean, use these signs to get to the bottom of his mean issues.

1. He’s not serious

Is he really serious about your relationship? You can never tell unless he says it himself, but perhaps your boyfriend is an annoying pig who isn’t really serious about you or the relationship.

In that case, you really need to hang up your gloves on this one and move on. You can’t force someone to be serious about a relationship if they don’t want to be. [Read: 22 early warning signs of a bad boyfriend you need to leave ASAP]

2. He’s playing you

Your boyfriend could be a bad boy potential who’s just toying with your feelings by being unpredictable. And he knows that the more he pushes you away, the more it’ll leave you confused and addicted to him.

In this case, ask yourself whether you want to continue dealing with his mind games. Because that’s all they are. He’s not man enough to talk about what’s going on, so he confuses you instead.

3. Lack of communication

You think he’s mean, but have you ever really voiced your thoughts to him?

For all you know, your boyfriend probably has no idea you’re even upset with him. You need to tell him how you feel.

Maybe he’s a pretty off-handed kind of person and he doesn’t realize how he’s coming over to those around him. If you don’t tell him, he’ll never know! [Read: Lack of communication in a relationship and why it signals the end]

4. He has an addiction

If a guy isn’t in control of his own life, chances are, he’s addicted to something and puts his addiction before you.

It could be a video game, or something much worse. Watch his behavior and see if this could be an issue for your mean boyfriend.

5. His mother didn’t teach him any manners

It’s true, most guys just look at the way their fathers behave at home and do everything just like their fathers do. If your boyfriend’s dad is a slob or his mother didn’t teach him his manners, he probably thinks he’s the perfect guy already because he’s just like his dad. In this case, he doesn’t know any different.

If you want to make a change, you’re going to have to show him what’s going on and help him to change. But, that has to be his choice. [Read: Why won’t he change? Your man says he will but never does]

6. He’s using you

This is frustratingly sad, but the guy you love may only be using you to get something from you.

He may want you as his arm candy to show you off, or it may just be the sex too. If this is the case, we suggest waving goodbye to this good-for-nothing user immediately. [Read: 25 signs he just wants sex and all the reasons why he’s using you for fun]

7. He’s bored of you

If a guy is getting bored of you or the relationship, he’s not worth your time. You can use a few moves to keep him interested. But that’ll happen only if he’s already in love with you.

And really, should you try to keep a guy interested in you when all he wants to do is walk away from you? [Read: 28 desirable ways to make your boyfriend want you more than ever]

8. You’re not important to him

He may be the most important part of your life. But to him, you may only be a small part of his evenings. If both your expectations in love don’t match, it’s hard to have a perfect relationship with each other.

If someone doesn’t show you that they care or make you an important part of their life in return for what you do for them, they don’t deserve you.

9. He thinks you’re clingy

Your guy may need his own space now and then. He may feel like you’re always around him, and may want his own space for a while.

But if you don’t believe you’re clingy, you shouldn’t be dating a guy who makes you feel bad about yourself because you’re in love with him. [Read: 21 clingy girlfriend signs and how to avoid turning into one]

10. Payback

Have you recently cheated on him or hurt him in some manner? This may be your boyfriend’s childish attempt at getting back at you.

Rather than being man enough to just talk about how he feels, he’s going for revenge instead. It’s the most cowardly way and quite frankly, you don’t have time for it, do you?

11. He’s a coward

He may want to break up with you, and because he’s such a scared coward, he may assume that being mean is the easiest way to force you to dump him first.

If he’s been a nice boyfriend all this while and has suddenly started to get mean and distant, you need to bring up that breakup conversation to see what he has in mind. [Read: Conversation tips on breaking up with someone you love]

12. There’s someone else on his mind

You may love your boyfriend, but he may be in love with you and infatuated by someone else. He’s so focused upon the other person that he doesn’t have brain space for the two of you.

If this is the case, and if you’re really sure this is what is going on, you have to just walk away with dignity. He may not be interested, but there’s someone out there who is and who won’t treat you so poorly. [Read: 21 ridiculously obvious signs your man has a crush on another girl]

13. You’re helpless without him

Do you feel like you have no life without him? If you feel helpless without your boyfriend around you, it may force him to get mean, just so you can stand up on your own feet again.

Be independent and confident, and it’ll help your boyfriend appreciate you for the real individual you are. [Read: 21 signs of a needy girlfriend and how to stop being one]

14. You’re misunderstanding him

Is he really a mean boyfriend, or did you just misunderstand what he said? Just because your boyfriend says you look okay doesn’t mean he thinks you’re plain jane material.

Sometimes, guys just don’t have a way with words and end up using words that seem worse than what they really mean. If you’re asking ‘why is my boyfriend so mean,’ you also have to ask if you’re seeing things as they really are.

15. Both of you have different needs

You want to spend more time with each other, but he believes a relationship means meeting once a week. If your relationship compatibilities don’t match, you can’t be happy and he’ll always seem mean.

If this is the case, you need to sit down and have a conversation. Then, you need to meet somewhere in the middle. [Read: 50 relationship questions to test your compatibility instantly]

16. He’s going through something

Have you ever considered that perhaps there is something deeper going on? If you’re always asking ‘why is my boyfriend so mean’ and he’s not normally like this, ask yourself what the underlying issue could be.

It’s not always the case that there is one but it’s possible. Maybe he’s stressed at work or something is going on in his family that he doesn’t feel able to tell you. 

The only way to work this one out is to have a conversation and let him know that you’re there for him if he wants to talk. Does it excuse his mean behavior? Not at all. [Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]

17. His walls are up

If he’s had a bad relationship in the past and was hurt badly, it could be that his walls are up. In that case, he might be treating you in a mean way because he’s being defensive. If this is the case, you’re going to have to talk about it as a couple but that means he needs to open up.

Again, let him know you’re there for him and he can trust you. When he’s ready, he’ll talk but he needs to drop the meanness first. 

18. He’s a narcissist

Does he display other narcissistic traits? Does he have a seriously inflated sense of self? Maybe he often puts people down to make himself look better? Does he always have to have the very best of everything?

Do some research into narcissism and see if his mean behavior is simply down to the fact that you’ve unfortunately bagged yourself a narcissist as a boyfriend. In that case, our advice is to run, fast. [Read: How to deal with a narcissist in the best way you possibly can]

19. He’s a generally bad person

It’s true. Sometimes, the guy you’re dating may be a really bad guy who treats you like dirt, and expects you to treat him like a king.

If you’re emotionally tormented by a boyfriend who treats you disrespectfully, leave him. He’s not just mean, he’s scum. He may not be a narcissist, he’s just bad and can’t rely upon a diagnosis of a personality disorder to save him.

If you find your boyfriend mean, and you’re trying to make the relationship work by changing yourself for him, stop that. Instead, speak to him about it.

Sometimes, all you need is a conversation to sort things out. If he’s truly serious about you, he’ll push the panic button and try to turn himself into the nicest boyfriend just so he can keep you happy. If not, it’s time to walk away. [Read: How to make a guy guilty for ignoring you and take back the power]

It’s not always your fault *most of the time it’s not*

It’s not always your fault, remember that. Sometimes, you may be the best girlfriend in the whole world. And you may be stuck with a boyfriend who has different expectations from a relationship, or he may just be a bad boyfriend.

Have a heart-to-heart conversation with him about how you feel, and if he doesn’t care or if he doesn’t want to change for you, it obviously shows that he’s not serious about the relationship. He doesn’t look at you as his better half. Instead, he only looks at you as an accessory to satisfy his own needs. Do you really need a guy like that? [Read: How to make a guy realize he’s losing you – 20 hints that really work]

Break up with your boyfriend if he doesn’t change his behavior. It’ll hurt for a few weeks, but that pain is a drop in the ocean compared to the years and years of suffering you’ll have to put up with, just to try and please him and keep him happy while you suffer like a martyr.

If you’re not happy, you’re not.

Don’t go changing yourself just to fit into someone else’s image of a perfect girlfriend. You can try to be a better person by weaning off your negative traits, but you should never change yourself for someone when you don’t feel the need to.

[Read: 23 subtle signs of a controlling boyfriend most girls don’t even notice]

Dealing with a mean boyfriend is really simple. All you need to do is talk. And if that doesn’t work, you need to walk!

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