How to love a quiet man

It's the quiet ones you need to watch.

As a quiet person, you’re probably familiar with others’ inherent mistrust of you. It’s hard to tell exactly what you’re thinking or feeling which might make some people feel squirmy.

We live in a loud world where being opinionated and expressive is rewarded. On the other hand, being quiet or private is often wrongfully associated with a calculated, judgmental character.

What the world needs to realize is that having a quiet personality is nothing more than the natural tendency to observe before verbalizing and speak only when there is something meaningful to contribute.

Because some of us are less forthcoming with our thoughts and feelings, others are more than willing to fill in the silence with their own assumptions. Oftentimes, the narratives they come up with are quite unflattering.

People might assume that you’re angry with them, you’re judging them, or that you’re plotting their murder. They might underestimate your abilities just because demonstrating your competence isn’t as much of a priority to you as observing and contemplating.

So what does all of this mean for your relationships? For me, being quiet has caused others to misinterpret my intentions and I’ve felt a tremendous amount of pressure to present myself as a more talkative, bubbly person.

At the beginning of my current relationship, my quietness seemed to be an issue. Though we’re both introverted, my boyfriend has an aversion to silence that I don’t share. His main complaint with me was that I didn’t seem to want to talk to him.

Though I understood where this perception may have come from, I resented the feeling that I had to force myself to speak up when I didn’t feel like there was anything purposeful to say.

This put a lot of strain on our relationship and at some points, I thought there was no way we could be together successfully with both of our needs met. For months, the issue would resurface in fights and I was often overwhelmed with doubt.

“Do I need to change a core part of my personality to be a good partner?” I wondered. Obviously, the answer to that question is no but there were some adjustments to be made (on both ends) that made space for healthy communication without requiring either of us to become someone else.

I’ve made mistakes in the way I’ve handled my quiet disposition and so has my partner but with time, we were finally able to accept it as a part of my personality rather than something that needed to be remedied.

Time might be all you need to settle into a comfortable place in your relationship where you feel safe enough to open up yet accepted enough to relish in the silence you love.

The following pointers might guide you to this outcome as they (eventually) did in my experience. Maintain your authenticity yet recognize the value of open communication.

Despite what people think, pointing out their quietness doesn’t encourage quiet people to speak up but usually causes them to shrink back even more.

When my boyfriend told me I was being quiet or blamed me for his discomfort with the silence, I felt pressure to come up with something engaging to say so I would force something out or feign my interest in small talk.

As a result, I left our conversations feeling drained and inadequate. Plus, at the end of the day, he sensed my inauthenticity which made him feel like he wasn’t really getting to know the person he was trying to date. It was a lose-lose situation.

It took several arguments for us to conclude that natural conversation would come with time and the deepening of our bond. My boyfriend needed to accept that being quiet is just a part of my personality. I needed to stop faking a talkative disposition and focus on other, more genuine ways to enliven our communication like the next tip.

Be an active listener

I used to think I was an excellent listener because I’m good at recalling what others tell me but it wasn’t until I took counseling classes in university that I discovered how terrible I am at active listening.

This invaluable communication skill is a pattern of listening that places the spotlight on the other person. It involves being attentive with your verbal and non-verbal behavior without offering judgments or advice unless you’re asked.

The power of active listening is making others feel that they are heard, that we empathize, and that we value what they have to say. For quiet people, who are often mislabeled as aloof or cold, this practice can assure your partner that you do in fact want to connect with them.

It can also get you out of your head and help you to be more present and therefore, more likely to open up naturally. So, how do we implement active listening in our communication?

The skills I’ve learned in my counseling classes were meant to be used in clinical situations but as my favorite professor pointed out, everyone likes to feel truly heard so, why not take some pointers from professional listeners? The SOLER acronym, created by Gerald Egan outlines some non-verbal behaviors that demonstrate a willingness to listen.

S stands for sitting squarely, facing the other person to make it clear where you’re focussing your attention. O stands for open posture, meaning no arm or leg crossing as it appears defensive. L stands for leaning forward which shows that you’re interested in the person in front of you. E stands for eye contact. R stands for relaxed body language. All of these behaviors combined create a strong, reassuring presence, ready to listen and support.

Verbal cues are also a crucial part of being an active listener. Paraphrasing what we’ve heard to clarify and show that we’re absorbing the information, asking follow-up questions, and avoiding advice-giving until it’s been requested are three points I try to remember.

I can’t say I’m an expert at this but since I’ve started working on my active listening skills, I’ve noticed a significant improvement in the conversations I share with my loved ones.

Give small talk a chance

It’s no secret that most quiet people hate small talk. It makes me want to put a sharp object in my eye but some of my most memorable discussions began with a completely hollow exchange about something benign like the weather.

A recent study revealed a positive relationship between meaningful conversation and happiness but no relationship between small talk and happiness either way.

Though our brains seem to have a neutral reaction to small talk (debatable), according to professor of psychology, Mattias Mehl, “it can lay the groundwork for more substantive conversations”.

We can use small talk as a means to an end. It’s been helpful for me to approach this painful form of communication as an exploratory activity that reveals essential information about the person I’m speaking to.

I’m still quite uncomfortable initiating small talk most of the time but I’ve made it a goal to refrain from shutting down conversations with one-word answers like I usually did (do?)

Not every discussion will be deep and philosophical but each one is an avenue to deepen the bond you share with your loved ones. Cherish them and you’ll enjoy a greater sense of intimacy. You might also find that you finally feel heard. That was my experience.

Ask for your partner’s understanding

I’m quiet unless I’m with my little sister, a trusted friend, talking to myself, or I’ve had a few drinks. When we first started dating and I still felt quite guarded, it was hard for my boyfriend to get over this to start. I’m grateful that he controlled his desire to protest (most times) and gave me the time I needed to feel safe. After a couple of months, the thaw finally began.

In the early days, I remember asking for his patience and I resented the fact that I even felt I had to do this, thinking to myself: “This is just who I am. He should get over it”.

Honestly, I agree with my former self to a certain extent. However, I was aware that some people are simply chatty like my boyfriend and that’s just as valid as my natural quietness. Some patience must have been required for him to adjust to my ways (as patience was certainly required on my end) and I’m glad he tried to be understanding.

Embrace your quietness

For my whole life, people spoke about my quietness like it was a disease. My teachers sounded concerned about it during parent night. New acquaintances are usually wary of me, automatically assuming that I hate people because I’m fine with dead air.

I think it’s important to reiterate that there’s nothing wrong with being quiet. In fact, there’s a long list of benefits that come with it. You’re likely an observant thinker and your gifts are certainly valuable despite what you might have heard.

If you’ve ever felt insecure because you’re not a social butterfly, it’s time to stop striving to be someone else and embrace your personality. The world we live in is noisy and chaotic. We need quiet stillness. We need you.