Every night I die when I give myself to you

Im 22...i came across this blog bc i wondered if people feel similar to me, or possibly exactly the same.

Suicidal Ideation has been apart of my life since i was little. I’ve always been wanting to die, ready and waiting.

I had multiple attempts as a child and as a teen but after a while I realized how much people underestimate what the human body is capable of. It can recover and take on so much pain and suffering, mentally and physically. Coma’s, overdoses, fatal wounds, extreme blood loss...recovery was always possible and it never felt “meant” for me.

I shouldn’t still be alive but i am. At the moment, I live for on other suicidal people.

I know what its like to lose somebody to suicide. For the past 3 years its been my reason not to. I just chose to live on, FOR this person who killed herself....

Sometimes i wish it were me instead. Sometimes i wish i could finally join her, 6ft. deep.

Sometimes i just WISH there was a group of people who truly understand how it feels to feel happy, enlightened and free when you think about death. And FINALLY moving on. And...just being so ready to die.
Its not always a wish to end the way i feel so negatively...most of the time its this Desire To Die...the same feeling you get if you were to have a Desire to Live...or a Desire to become a doctor... I just have a beautiful Desire to die.

On good days, i only think about dying or killing myself once or twice throughout the day. But on bad days, i think about it for the entire day. It doesnt go away. Its been 20 years. Ive been in therapy my entire life. So if you’re wondering if i need help, i got it. Thanks.

It should be MY choice.
A regular, normalized, choice for everyone of all ages.
To die young. And healthy. And die on a good day. To die on the best day of my life.
Its not wrong, it’s perfect. To die happy, and fulfilled.

That feeling of happiness never lasts for more than a few minutes for me. Its so Rare that it’s an honor to die while feeling that.

Im afraid i may die on a bad day, old and tired, struggling, and aching, depressed and wondering if i have enough time left to fix something or if i have enough time before i remember something i forgot to say.

Im afraid i wont have closure before i die, so i should have the right to choose when im ready. And i dont have to be 80 to do that.

It would be an honor to die on the best day of my life, before the day ends and i have to go to sleep, only to wake up again knowing that today will never be as good as the other day, in fact its likely i wont have another good day ever again.

Maybe there is a cult somewhere where people join every year, only to have a beautiful ceremony where everyone gathers to your funeral. You die on your birthday. With help from everyones else there, so you can move on peacefully. No matter what age, or how ill you are. You would be given the right to the most beautiful ceremony of assisted suicide. Pretty much. The thought of THAT makes me feel at ease. I want nothing more, than to die. And i will always be ready.