Psychology of man with multiple partners

I’m open to trying many things — but only within the confines of a committed relationship, and I take my relationships seriously. Passionately. Although nowadays, I can’t help but feel like I’m part of a growing minority.

Dating apps aside, what the euphemism “Netflix and chill” connotes is very telling of our current views of sex — a modern code word and an invitation for hookups, sounding like a leisure activity for when you’re bored on a weeknight.

I have friends who have friends with benefits. People married with kids sleep around on the side. Some even cross borders over the weekend for a booty call — one swipe and one flight away.

Thanks to advancements in technology, finding casual sex has never been easier, but what’s more — it is increasingly seen as a cultural norm.

Is it all just fun and flings, or does it affect us in ways that are more than meets the eye?

Love and Sex in the Brain

Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher suggests “not to have sex with someone unless you’re prepared to fall in love with them.”

In her work outlined in the video, “Casual Sex Doesn’t Exist,” she speaks of how humans have evolved three brain systems when it comes to finding and, most importantly, keeping, a partner.

Three Brain Systems

1. The Sex Drive — craving for sexual gratification
2. Romantic Love — elation, giddiness, euphoria, and craving of passionate obsessive love
3. Attachment — feelings of calm and security with a long term partner

It is possible to be in love with someone before sex, or the opposite occurs where you catch feelings after doing the deed. There is no control over which brain regions would light up, leading to romantic love or attachment.

Any one of these systems could fire up and in any combination, or all three at once. Hormones released during orgasm, such as oxytocin and vasopressin, also primes us for bonding with our partners.

Sex is more than the physical act.

Dr. Stephen A. Diamond on the Psychology of Sex describes it as such:

Sex is a way of lessening our alienation, isolation and aloneness by physically connecting with, penetrating or being penetrated by another person at the most primal level of existence. Sex substantiates, humanizes and incarnates existence. It produces joy, love, comfort, affection, and sometimes, ecstasy.

That is some deep stuff, and yet, our lax views of sex could be damaging, not only for society as a whole, but there are negative impacts on our brains if we overdo it.

Research from the Medical Institute for Sexual Health goes on to illustrate the importance of oxytocin when it comes to bonding.

Casual sex leads to a decrease in this neurochemical production and interferes with what is called pair bonding.

Repeated sexual encounters with multiple partners rewires the brain.

When an individual chooses to engage in casual sex, breaking bond after bond with each new sexual partner, the brain forms a new synaptic map of one-night–stands. This pattern becomes the “new normal” for the individual. When and if the individual later desires to find a more permanent partner, the brain mapping will have to be overcome, making a permanent bond more difficult to achieve.

Effects on Mental Health

In one study, those who had more sex without strings attached were found to be, on average, less satisfied with their love lives compared to young adults who had sex frequently in a committed romantic relationship.

Not all hookups are created equal. It varies greatly depending on the individual and circumstances. Some have a positive response and feel better about themselves. Interestingly, those who had feelings of loneliness and depression, to begin with, reported a reduction in negative emotions afterwards.

But there are downsides, where participants who engaged in casual sex “reported an increase in both depressive symptoms and feelings of loneliness.” Negative feelings also include guilt, regret and low self-esteem.

Another study adds to this and points to lower levels of happiness and higher anxiety and depression levels.

Perhaps the most alarming finding is how some people may tend to engage in casual sex even if they do not feel comfortable doing so.

Misperception of sexual norms is one potential driver for people to behave in ways they do not personally endorse.

Is Hookup Culture Wrong?

With children growing up in a world of technology inundated with choices and instant gratification that extends to sexuality, I am concerned with trends going forward.

Even adults struggle with online addiction and have a hard time with the influx of dopamine hits. How can we expect developing minds to cope in a responsible and healthy manner?

While I don’t advocate abstinence or waiting for marriage, I’d hope that when my kids are old enough to experiment, they can be more mindful of what they consume and who they share their bodies with — especially when the dating pool horizons have expanded into the worldwide web.

As with anything in life, I believe less is more.

In response to his thoughts on promiscuity, I agree with Sadhguru’s words:

It is not a question of morality, but a question of how to live sensibly.

The Takeaways

Science says it loud and clear: we are meant to bond with one another when we have sex, whether in a committed or non-committed relationship. Casual sex bypasses the human need to engage emotionally and develop intimacy.

Hooking up is not an issue in itself as long as it isn’t overdone, but how casual sex is increasingly seen as a social norm should raise questions. How much is too much? Shouldn’t the standard be to foster meaningful relationships? There are consequences beyond the physical that aren’t immediately noticeable.

The truth is that people can damage their ability to bond, but it is not because of a decrease in Oxytocin production. It is a much more complicated process involving brain molding, other neurochemicals and higher brain functions.

In a rare project spanning across generations conducted by The Harvard Study of Adult Development, 724 men’s lives were tracked for 75 years. Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger summarizes the findings in his TED talk, “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness”:

The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

What matters the most is the quality of those relationships — who you get laid with is no exception.

On The Science of Monogamy, scientists examined data from 16,000 Americans to answer the question, “how many sexual partners does it take to maximize happiness?” The answer is one partner in one year.

Dating apps may have expanded your reach and increased your potential to have sex with more partners, but playing the numbers game can be a significant disadvantage in the long run.

We don’t take one another seriously if we do not feel a perceived lack of options for dating, because there is always availability elsewhere. You can easily ghost someone or swipe for the next match, but doing so makes instant messaging for sex premeditated and robotic in nature. How can a person so readily exchange bodily fluids with another but fall through with communication and connection? It has become backwards.

Research has shown that social media and technology have extended our social network and our number of interpersonal interactions. However, moving our relationships to digital environments and the growing use of digital technologies are also associated with less depth in our connections, increased loneliness and less satisfaction with life.

Using apps for the sole purpose of sleeping around without strings attached makes each potential match optional, sex transactional, and the act recreational — this commodification of dating and hookups, which has proliferated, is a culture that is harmful in excess.

In a world connected globally, it appears we are more disconnected than ever. After all — there is nothing casual about sex.

What does it mean when a man has multiple partners?

How many male partners is too many?

How does having multiple partners affect?

How many partners does a man have on average?