Toddler wont eat dinner but wants snacks

They want Cheerios, Goldfish and cheese. Here's how to not turn every meal into a literal food fight.

Man cannot live on bread alone…but toddlers are ready and willing to test that theory. Mine certainly is, though she’d also like to add Cheerios, Goldfish and cheese to the mix.

The really frustrating part is that I tried to do everything right, and it seemed to be working. I introduced her to a wide variety of foods from the start, and from broccoli to beans, spinach to salmon, eggs to eggplant, she gobbled it up.

Then she turned two.

Suddenly, she started rejecting her healthy favourites and demanding snacks as entrees. Every meal became a literal food fight, and I wanted to scream.

If you’ve been engaging in a similarly frustrating battle of wills, says Toronto-based dietitian Cara Rosenbloom, don’t panic. Loving a food one day and hating it the next is a normal part of a toddler’s development. “Sometimes a food is saltier, crunchier or more bitter than usual, and they will react to the difference in flavour or texture,” she explains. “And sometimes, they are just looking to assert some control and drive you bonkers.”

The key is to respect a toddler’s burgeoning independence while staying the course. We wouldn’t think twice about setting rules for screen time and bedtime, and we should apply the same principles to mealtime. Otherwise, we’re teetering on the brink of a very slippery slope.

“Remember your role in the feeding relationship,” says Rosenbloom. “You should not allow your child to decide when to eat (all day!), where to eat (in front of the TV!) and what to eat (chocolate and gummi bears!). Those are your jobs. They can decide which foods to eat from what you offer them. Goldfish or Cheerios can be part of the deal…just not for every meal and snack.”

You can also try the following four tactics to get your picky eater to pick the foods you want:

Ask questions 

If a food had been a hit previously and has now landed on the no-way, no-how list, Rosenbloom suggests asking, “What can I do to make this better for you?” She says that kids will often have a simple and surprising answer such as wanting to add ketchup or have it with a side of cereal. Easy-peasy.

Offer choices—but limited, parent-approved ones

Toddlers want it all, but they can get lost in a sea of options. If you present just two or three choices, things will seem more manageable to them and you might actually get your way with at least one of the offered foods.

Let them help you shop, prepare and cook

Get them involved and invested, and there’s a higher likelihood that they’ll try what they’ve helped you to make…maybe…eventually…someday. But keep at it if it doesn’t work right away. You might hit on something or get them at a weak moment.

Sneak it in

Butternut squash blends in with macaroni and cheese. Zucchini bread actually has a vegetable in it. Yogourt smoothies can be puréed with all sorts of healthy stuff and no one will be the wiser.

So that’s what you should do. As for what you shouldn’t do, here’s the biggie: Don’t get into a fight with your toddler. It isn’t going to end well. (Trust me.) Plus, a recent study at the University of Michigan found that picky eating doesn’t generally stunt a child’s growth or cause nutrient deficiencies. What it can do, however, is make everything stressful and potentially damage the relationship you’ve built with your child.

If you’re concerned about your child’s growth, absolutely bring it up with your paediatrician, but know that everything’s probably going to be just fine. In the meantime, embrace the good foods that they do eat (admit it, there are a few) and keep offering a variety of good choices.

“Just like we teach our kids to read and to ride a bike, we need to teach our kids how to eat well—and like any skill, it takes patience and practice,” says Rosenbloom. “If you do your job, your child will learn how to eat the amount they need for their growing body, and they will learn to eat the foods you eat.”

And it may not feel like it right now, but someday this picky phase will be a distant memory—and your child will likely be eating you out of house, home and bank account in a few short years.

Every parent has been through this mealtime dilemma and a Paediatric Speech Pathologist has the answer. 

This article originally appeared on Let Eat! Paediatric Speech Pathology and was republished here with full permissions. 

"What do I do if my toddler refuses their dinner meal - let them go hungry? Or give them another meal?"

This question recently came up in a local mummy group that I am privileged to be a member of.

What intrigued me with this question was that everyone had a slightly different answer. Which was confusing – what’s the right answer?

Well at the end of the day – do what sits well with you; go on your gut feeling. But if you asked feeding experts around the world the same question, their answers hopefully would all be consistent, here is what I would have said.

If your toddler won't eat, should you make them another meal? Source: Supplied

Toddlers are a really fun age – they cognitively have worked out that they are separate to you. And in the beautiful circle of security, they will explore, check in with you, test the limits and definitely use their favourite word – 'no'. All of these changes can even occur overnight.

Which leaves parents perplexed – their little baby ate most things but now this toddler is throwing foods and stating quite clearly what they like eating (biscuits and milk) and what they don’t (meat and vegetables).

Reach for your Nutella jar (well, this is what I do when I need a “pause”) and then breathe out - this is a NORMAL PHASE and this too will pass.

So what do you do?

Remember the basic law of feeding: Parents decide what to serve, when to serve it and where to serve it, eg. chicken rice and beans at 5pm at the dinner table.

Your child’s role is to decide how much they want to eat and if they want to eat it at all, eg. one try of the chicken ... spit, no beans, 2 spoonfuls of rice and that’s it. Thanks Mum .

Your child’s role is to decide how much they want to eat and if they want to eat it at all. Source: Supplied

So why is this law of feeding so important to maintain?

Because if you let a toddler have open access to your kitchen and your choices of food, they will do what all toddlers do – they will test you and more often than not ... say no.

This gold standard of feeding law is what us as feeding therapists preach because our biggest food goals for your child in life is to:

1. Feel positive about eating.

2. Learn to know when they are full and when they are hungry (grazing doesn’t help this).

3. Rely on variations of appetite to know what to eat so one mealtime they might eat a lot, and other mealtimes, they might just graze (we as adults don’t always eat the same amounts at every meal, right?).

4. Maintain their natural interest in exploring new foods.

As dietitian Ellyn Satter says in her book Child of Mine, "Your child does want to grow up with respect to eating and that’s what he is all about with his various quirky behaviours." Your job? Is to trust them. Ellyn also goes on to describe the following in her book:

You are NOT trusting your child if you ...

• Make them stay at the table to eat his vegetables

• Clean his plate

• Eat everything before he can have dessert

• Get by on three main meals/day (ie. no morning and afternoon tea)

You are NOT providing enough structure and limits if you ...

• Give your child a snack whenever he wants

• Let your child behave badly at the table

• Regularly prepare special food for your child (that is separate to the family meal)

• Short order cook – i.e. if he says no to your meal, you cook something else

• Let your child have juice or milk whenever he wants

A battle of wills a mealtime is something normal. Source: Supplied

The battle of wills at meals is normal

Your role is to stick to your foundations of positive trust-based feeding. 

One of the suggestions that I commonly hear to this question is: parent says, "You must take one bite of everything on your plate."

I disagree with this in establishing trust with toddlers. It’s a control tactic as Ellyn Satter explains in her book – she writes that by saying this, we don’t trust our child to learn and grow and the lack of trust takes away the joy of accomplishment.

In the child’s mind, 'if you make me eat this, then it must not be so good'. I explain to parents that if you serve something often enough and enjoy eating it yourself, sooner or later, your child will start to taste it – and after possibly 20 times of tasting, they might actually decide that they like it.

Trust me – as a mum – it took my five-year-old many, many tries of capsicum, before one day he said to me, "Mum, I think I like eating capsicums now." (Fist pump and joyous celebration inside my head). My outward response? (Big smile) "They are yummy aren’t they? Red capsicums are one of my favourite vegetables." (True and honest response to my son). 

So what would have been my answer to the mummy’s question? Dear mummy, You are doing a wonderful job in feeding your toddler, I know it is worrying when they refuse their dinner, trust me – as a mum myself, sleep is important to me – and I always worry that if my child doesn’t eat their dinner, they will wake in the night and say they are hungry.

Here is what you can do:

1. Create six mini meals – breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.

2. Space these mini meals out every two hours

3. Offer a range of food at these meals. Note: how I didn’t refer to afternoon tea as a snack? I referred to it as a mini meal? Don’t offer 'snack' foods – offer a fruit/vegetable with a protein (e.g. strips of meat, ½ egg or cheese) and a carbohydrate (eg. crackers, ½ slice of wholegrain bread spread with a fat eg. avocado, cream cheese, butter or peanut butter). This mini meal is nutritious and filling. Ellyn Satter refers to this as the 'Mother Principle'.

4. Make sure that the foods you offer for meals (including dinner) contain both foods you as a family would like to eat and foods that you know your toddler will eat. So meat, vegetable and bread/rice/pasta. That way if your child is tired (and they do get oh so tired at dinner), then they might eat something, even if it’s bread. A child’s appetite will vary throughout the week – please offer food regularly and rotate these foods so they don’t always eat the same thing for specific meals.

5. Don’t offer another alternative if they don’t eat eg. cereal. Please don’t. I know you are worried. Stick to rule four (above) and chances are they will eat something at all of their mini meals.

6. For fussy toddlers – I suggest the supper meal, this is a small mini-meal right before bed (see the difference – it’s not offered straight after a dinner meal, which they refused, it’s later in the night after their bath). Don’t offer snack food here either please – consider offering something that will fill their bellies up – yoghurt and chopped blueberries, cheese, sliced tomatoes and crackers, banana and peanut butter – good fats that will help them fill up for a good night’s sleep

7. Some meals are great ... and some meals are not. And remember this – you didn’t do anything wrong, it might have been an 'off' night for your child and that’s OK. Chances are, they will catch up with their appetite tomorrow or the next night.

Remember that children don't always need a lot to fill up their tummy. Source: Supplied

Good luck, and hope that helps dear mummy – children often don’t need a lot of food to really fill their bellies. What you see as what they 'should' eat, might not be what they actually 'really' need. Big hug – Val from Lets Eat. 

Hope that answers your questions as well, if your child has ongoing weight, nutrition and feeding concerns, please see a feeding speech pathologist, dietitian and occupational therapist, as a team, we can help you with working out why your child is not eating.

Valerie knows herself how hard feeding a toddler can be at times. Source: Supplied. 

I have a peanut butter and honey sandwich to tell you

I have walked your path – in fact, I’m still walking your path but my boys are now in primary school and our toddler days are long gone.

I have two boys and the gorgeous boy you see in that photo above was in the height of his 'no' phase as a two-year-old. I had also gone back to work – the days were long and we were both so tired. When it came to dinner, he would refuse it on my work nights, so I offered him a peanut butter and honey sandwich (which he loved) but over time, the refusals increased and the PB and H sandwich requests increased.

Suddenly the feeding therapist yelled in my head – wait – you are now in the trap you tell your patients not to get into! What went wrong? My division of responsibility roles was mixed up – I had started short order cooking for him.

So if this is you (and big hug, I really know the stress and anxiety this brings), go back to the first part of this post and re-read it – write it on your fridge and stick to it.

The trap is that the hole gets wider and then the 'accepted' foods get smaller and suddenly you find yourself where my new referrals are – "my primary school child is only accepting 5 foods."

Toddlers are still developing their likes and dislikes and while 'no' is a favourite word, don’t get stuck into my PB and H sandwich hole.

PS. Mr eight-year-old now eats lots of different foods and while he still likes the odd PB&H sandwich, he would rather eat a whole wide variety of food instead. There is a BIG EXCEPTION HERE – to all my clients with special needs, sensory needs, oral motor delays, high anxiety and autism spectrum disorders.

Sometimes your child may need extra help to get to the 'gold standard' of eating as described above. I know you are trying your very best and your child may not be ready for this 'gold standard' yet – that’s why we take smaller steps in feeding therapy.

Val Paediatric Feeding Speech Pathologist @ Let’s Eat! Paediatric Speech Pathology

Valerie Gent is an Australian-based Speech Pathologist with 14 years experience in Paediatric Feeding. She has recently opened a private practice called ‘Let’s Eat! Paediatric Speech Pathology’ that caters for Newcastle-based babies and children with feeding difficulties. Valerie is passionate about working in the area of paediatric feeding and special needs and has been involved in the teaching and training of Australian speech pathology university students and allied health professionals. You can find out more about Valerie Gent and ‘Let’s Eat! Paediatric Speech Pathology’ via her website and Facebook page or email her on

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