Which of the following is not a characteristic of a good relationship

Having boundaries is like drawing a line. One side has the things you are okay with and the other side, those that you are not okay with, don’t feel ready for, or make you uncomfortable. This line looks different for everyone, so it is important for you to know where yours needs to be drawn. Setting boundaries is a way to teach your partner about your needs, and let you know when something doesn’t feel right. You are allowed to put your needs before someone else’s needs, especially if their needs make you uncomfortable.

Step 1: What are your boundaries?

Think about these categories and what they mean in terms of your relationship.

Physical: Are you okay with public displays of affection? Does affection make you uncomfortable? Do you hate it or love it when your partner tickles you? Do you need a lot of alone time? Learn more about physical boundaries and abuse.

Emotional: Are you able to share what you are feeling right away or do you need some time to think about it? Do you need your partner to be available anytime you have a crisis? When are you ready to say I love you? Learn more about emotional boundaries and abuse.

Sexual: Do you need to get to know your partner a while before engaging in any kind of sexual activity, or are you okay getting physical right away? What sexual activity are you okay with? Learn more about sexual boundaries and abuse.

Digital: Are you posting your relationship status? Is it okay if your partner uses your phone? Do you want to share passwords? Learn more about digital boundaries and abuse.

Material: Do you like sharing your stuff? Are you okay paying for your partner or vice versa?

Spiritual: Do you like to practice your religion with a partner or alone? Does your partner need to have the same beliefs as you or can they be different as long as yours are respected? Are you waiting until marriage before you have sex?

Step 2: Letting your partner know what your boundaries are.

You don’t have to sit down with your partner with a check list of all of the things that make you uncomfortable, but you do have be open and honest. Some of these things might come up early in the relationship, like if you are a virgin and don’t want to have sex until you’re ready. Some of these things may not come up for a while, like if your partner wants to share passwords after dating for 6 months. When your needs are different than your partner’s, have a conversation; you don’t need to give an explanation. It may be awkward, but having the tough conversations is a part of having a healthy relationship. When your partner listens to you and respects you, it builds trust.

Step 3: Recognizing when the line has been crossed.

Sometimes, boundaries get crossed even after you’ve talked with your partner; this is where trusting yourself comes in. You may be sad, anxious or angry or you may not know exactly what you are feeling. Always trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right to you, it probably isn’t.

Step 4: Responding.

If a boundary has been crossed by your partner who didn’t know where your line was drawn, have an honest conversation. It could be something as simple as saying, “Hey, I really don’t like it when you ________. This makes me really uncomfortable. Do you think next time you can ______ instead?” This might take some back and forth before coming to an agreement that meets both of your needs, but your relationship will be stronger because of it.

If a boundary has been crossed even though you had already been clear about your boundaries, this might be abuse. Crossing a line might be obvious, like if you say no to having sex, but your partner uses physical force to make you do something you don’t want to do. But it can also be more subtle, like if your partner guilts you into something, begs you until you give in or threatens to break up with you unless you do what they want.

From rom-coms and fairy tales to social media hashtags like #relationshipgoals, it’s part of our culture to idealize relationships. But the reality is no relationship is perfect all the time. They all have ups and downs, and every partnership is unique. But a strong, healthy relationship is typically grounded in some core characteristics.

Here, Liza Eshilian-Oates, MD, physician and clinical lead of Kaiser Permanente’s Family Violence Prevention Program, shares 8 major signs of a healthy relationship — and 5 signs of a toxic one.

8 signs you’re in a healthy relationship

1. Mutual respect

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. “Your partner values your beliefs and who you are as a person,” Dr. Eshilian-Oates explains. “They support your work, your dreams, they stick up for you, and they don’t overstep your boundaries.” These include your physical and emotional boundaries. For example, if you’re not ready to talk about something, your partner gives you space and time to work it out.

2. Safety

Couples in a healthy relationship feel safe with each other. “You don’t feel threatened, afraid, or like you must protect yourself from your partner,” Dr. Eshilian-Oates explains, “and this means physically, emotionally, and even financially.” When you’re in a healthy relationship, your well-being is top of mind for your partner.

3. Open and honest communication

Talking with your partner should be easy, where you can share your thoughts and feelings without hesitation. “In a healthy relationship, you can talk to your partner without being afraid they’ll get mad or shut you down,” Dr. Eshilian-Oates says. Each person should be able to talk through their problems and feel heard and respected.

4. Compromise

Disagreements happen — even in healthy relationships — so compromise is key. When couples compromise, each person comes to the table, takes the other’s feelings into consideration, and agrees on a decision together. It’s not one person giving in to the other’s will. “There’s a little give on both sides. It has to be both partners,” she says. “If it’s one-sided and one person is always giving in to make the other person happy or not rock the boat, that’s unhealthy.”

5. Equality

When there’s equality in a relationship, each partner respects the other’s feelings and input. Your partner’s needs don’t dominate your relationship, and they don’t have power or control of you. “When one person is making all the effort and the other one is just taking, then it’s not equal,” she says. “When each person is trying their best to make the other person feel loved and comfortable, that’s a sign of a good relationship.”

6. Independence

Healthy couples don’t have to spend every minute with each other. It’s important to have a life outside of your relationship. For example, your partner should support you seeing your family and friends and having separate hobbies, Dr. Eshilian-Oates says.

7. Support

Life is hard. There will always be things that don’t go your way, so reliable support is key. “Having a partner who is there for you to listen and provide feedback and compassion when you need it is important,” she says.

8. Privacy

In a relationship or not, you have the right to your own space. For example, you don’t have to share your phone, email, or passwords with your partner just to make them happy. “A partner demanding to look through your phone and messages is a sign of someone not respecting your space and privacy, and it’s a red flag,” she says.

5 warning signs you’re in a toxic relationship

1. Intensity

Intense relationships instantly go from 0 to 100 — for example, only knowing each other for 2 days and already thinking you’re in love and inseparable. “Healthy relationships are slow-moving and deliberate, giving you time to get to know the other person,” Dr. Eshilian-Oates says.

2. Isolation

“Intensity and isolation are often intertwined,” she says. In an unhealthy relationship, you can become isolated as a couple and stop hanging out with friends and family.

3. Extreme jealousy

In this situation, just talking to others can spur intense jealousy, including accusations of cheating or fears that you’re going to leave them, Dr. Eshilian-Oates explains. This jealousy can even be directed at time you spend with your family.

4. Belittling

Your partner should value your self-worth and take your needs into account. “Belittling your talents, opinions, and viewpoints is a red flag,” she says.

5. Volatility

Extreme emotions and big swings in your relationship are not a good sign, Dr. Eshilian-Oates says. An example would be going from feeling so intensely in love one day to breaking up the next and then feeling like you can’t live without each other again.

 If you’re in an unhealthy relationship or not sure, we can help

• Talk to your Kaiser Permanente doctor. Have a conversation with your primary care doctor or ob-gyn about any violence or relationship issues. They can help connect you to the right resources, like a social worker or therapist.
• Learn more about domestic violence on kp.org. You’ll find information on the types of domestic abuse, signs of domestic violence, how to get help, and more.
• Check out the myPlan app and website. Developed by Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing and recommended by doctors in Kaiser Permanente’s Family Violence Prevention Program, the app is an online tool to help people experiencing abuse in a relationship.
• For immediate help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Help is available in over 170 languages over the phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) and via online chat at thehotline.org.

TOPICShealthy lifestyleMental Health and Wellnessrelationships

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