What is love bombing by a narcissist

Love bombers my have a history of unstable, abusive, or highly volatile relationships. Rachel Mendelson/Insider

Are you dating someone who seems to move at lightning speed, taking things way too seriously way too early in the relationship? If so, you might be the victim of love bombing.

While falling in love and beginning a new relationship can be fun and exciting, love bombing usually isn't sincere. In fact, it could leave you reeling when the relationship turns out to be the opposite of what you expected.

Here's how relationship experts define love bombing, and nine specific signs to look out for.

What is love bombing?

Love bombing is when one person is overly attentive at the beginning of a relationship, so that they can gain control and manipulate you.

"The degree to which the person 'love bombs' is inordinately strong and intense," says Kyle Zrenchik, PhD, a licensed family and marriage therapist and co-owner of All In Therapy Clinic.

This experience is temporary. Zrenchik says once someone falls under the spell of a love bomber, the relationship will commonly take a turn for the worse. "The relationship may become abusive, controlling, manipulative, or codependent. It may not look like physical abuse, but could be filled with lots of guilting, caretaking, and sacrifice," says Zrenchik.

Love bombers can also make it hard for their partner to leave the relationship since the abuser can come back with extravagant apologies or symbols of love in an attempt to guilt their partner into staying, says Kaylin Zabienski, LMFT, therapist in private practice.

According to Zabienski and Zrenchik, people who love bomb may have

Alex Ford/Insider

Signs of love bombing

Love bombing can vary from person to person, but here are nine signs you should be on the lookout for.

1. They give you excessive compliments

Of course, everyone loves to receive compliments, but if your partner is obviously going overboard and complimenting you non-stop, this can be a cause for alarm. Zrenchik says love bombers use this tactic so that your self-esteem and self-worth become connected to their opinion.

2. They want to spend time with you non-stop

If someone is trying to spend an unreasonable amount of time with you, regardless of your obligations or commitments to other people, this can be a sign that they're anxiously trying to move as quickly as possible with you, says Zrenchik.

For example, if you find yourself ignoring family or work obligations, or you're missing out on other things you want to do because you're spending so much time with the love bomber, this can be a problem.

3. They go overboard with expensive gifts

"When your partner gives you gifts that feel over the top, and lets you know how expensive they are, that's a love bomb," says Zabienski. This can be a ploy to guilt you into staying with them, or feeling a sense of obligation to them since they've given you such nice things.

4. They introduce you to important people early on

Love bombers might introduce you to people who are important to them, such as children, family, or close friends quickly after meeting, says Zrenchik. They may do this for a few reasons. can make you feel like the relationship is getting very serious very quickly.

"Perhaps they have a series of abandonment stemming from childhood. Perhaps they had abusive relationships and were captive, so they perpetuate the same thing and try to keep someone captive after they get them hooked," says Zrenchik.

5. They mold themselves to be who they think you want

In some cases, a love bomber might purposefully try to morph into your perfect match by always agreeing with everything you say or everything you want to do, says Zabienski.

The key here is that this behavior is not who they really are, or even who they seemed to be when you first met. You may notice inconsistencies in what they said when you first met versus what they say and how they act now.

6. They say "I love you" very fast

It usually takes time for people to fall in love and feel comfortable enough to say the L word. While it varies for each couple, the average time someone takes to confess their love is about three months or more, whereas a love bomber on the other hand might say "I love you" within days or weeks, Zabienski says.

"If it feels too soon and even too good to be true, it probably is. Love tends to take time to develop and blossom, and isn't based on the other person's perception of you being perfect," says Zabienski.

7. They guilt trip you for having boundaries

Zabienski says a love bomber might get upset and guilt-trip you if you set a boundary such as asking them to move slower in the relationship, or if you tell them you don't feel ready to say "I love you" back yet.

For example, they might say something like "Wow, I thought we had something special," or "I thought you were different, but you're just like everyone else."

8. They commit to you super quickly

If a love bomber commits to you as a boyfriend or girlfriend very shortly after meeting, it can be a red flag. Zrenchik says this can indicate that the person lacks awareness of your boundaries (or their own) and that they may cycle through commitments frequently in life.

9. They want to move in together ASAP

While moving in together is an exciting stage of a relationship, it typically comes further down the line once you determine compatibility and shared values.

Love bombers may try to move in with you early as a way to manipulate you. "Moving in that fast can be more about trying to infiltrate your entire life than actually wanting to start a life with you," says Zabienski.

Insider's takeaway

Love bombing is a tactic some people use to manipulate someone into jumping into a relationship sooner and more seriously than they'd like to.

It's typically done by people who have a history of being in abusive relationships, are narcissists, or have an anxious attachment style.

Look out for signs of love bombing or any other red flags to make sure that your relationship is healthy.

service graphics Rachel Mendelson Health BI Graphics

What’s better than being swept off your feet by passionate and loving words and actions when your first meet someone? Being showered with love and attention in the beginning stages of a relationship feels so good. You don’t want your new relationship’s honeymoon phase ever to end.

Not to spoil the fun, but be on the lookout for excessive expressions of affection and admiration as these might be the signs of love bombing.

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a manipulation strategy that happens when your partner showers you with love, admiration, and attention to gain power over you. While it may feel good, this type of behavior is often associated with narcissism. Such over-the-top love gestures from a narcissist have the goal to indebt you. They serve to manipulate you into a belief that you owe the narcissist something, so they can gain power over you.

A narcissist’s cycle of abuse typically begins with the phase of idealization. Therefore, when you start a relationship with a narcissist, you may feel over the moon as narcissists are often charismatic and charming when you first meet them.

So, your new partner may seem deep in love with you. They may bombard you with expensive gifts, compliments, love calls and messages, passion, and undivided attention. Your narcissistic partner will put you on their love pedestal.

This overabundance of love can be highly intoxicating, making you wonder what you have done to deserve such indescribable happiness. Then, of course, loads of positive attention will make you want more of it. A narcissist knows this. They will give you a hint of what’s to come and then pull back, causing you to feel vulnerable and insecure. So, you will constantly try to meet their need for narcissistic supply for love showers to keep coming.

How Long Does Love Bombing Last?

Narcissist love bombing cycle can last for days, weeks, months, or even years. To be precise, a narcissist will bombard you with love as long as you serve them well as a narcissist supply.

Narcissists are typically obsessed with themselves. They constantly seek reassurance, validation, and admiration, known as narcissistic supply. However, nothing you do is ever enough to boost their ego and make narcissists feel good about themselves.

To ensure a narcissistic supply, narcissists deliberately target people sensitive to their charisma and false promises. So, at the beginning of the love-bombing cycle, they will overwhelm you with intense displays of affection to pull you into a dysfunctional relationship.

However, after some time (and this can be weeks, months, or even years), you will notice some red flags in your relationship. Although it typically begins subtly, a narcissist’s abuse may become more evident as you step into the second stage of a toxic relationship, known as devaluation.

The excessive affection parade will stop at this stage of the love-bombing cycle. Your toxic partner may start devaluing you, using manipulation strategies such as gaslighting, blaming, or controlling more transparently. They will twist the reality, play the victim, and blame you for their problems until you feel completely confused, disoriented, humiliated, and desolate.

At the same time, you will feel utterly dependent on the narcissist, doing whatever it takes to get the validation and attention they once bombarded you with.

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled in life. Read on to discover the benefits of hiring a certified life coach and how together, we can work towards achieving your dreams.

Love bombing can be sneaky and difficult to spot like any other manipulation strategy. As a result, you might feel insecure, not knowing whether your partner’s behavior is a genuine expression of intense attraction and affection or narcissistic love bombing.

Although not every excessive exhibition of love and attraction is love bombing, it is helpful to identify various forms of this manipulation tactic.

1) Showering You with Excessive Gifts

A narcissist will lavish you with expensive and extravagant gifts. While this behavior may impress you initially, its purpose is to help a narcissist gain control over you.

2) Getting Upset with Boundaries

Narcissists detest boundaries and will habitually ignore or break them. So, suppose you try to slow down, protect yourself, or show resistance. In that case, they will use various manipulation methods to pull you back into their abuse cycle.

3) Giving Overwhelming Compliments

We all love attention and admiration. So, your partner’s excessive compliments may be flattering in the beginning. However, constant compliments such as “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen” or “You are the only person I want to spend my time with” can be overwhelming.

4) Expecting or Demanding Attention

So, when they compliment you or shower you with gifts, narcissists want something in return. They want recognition and your undivided attention, so they will disregard your boundaries and use manipulation to have you focus on them entirely.

5) Excessive Public Displays

They will use every opportunity to display their affection and admiration publicly.

6) The “Soulmate” Card

A narcissist will shower you with phrases such as, “We are soulmates,” “You are my destiny,” “We were born for each other,” and similar grandiose statements.

They will constantly call, text, or message you. Although you may enjoy constant communication at the beginning of a relationship, love bombing communication is typically one-sided and overwhelming.

8) Causing You Feel Unbalanced

A narcissist’s attention will make you feel insecure and unbalanced, never knowing what to expect from them. At one point, they may pressure you into spending time with them 24/7 only to discard you after some time showing no remorse or empathy.

9) Being Overly Needy

No matter how devoted and committed you are, it never seems to be enough to satisfy your partner’s narcissistic impulses. The toxic person’s love bombing strategies will make you feel obligated to answer their every need.

No one deserves to be stuck in this kind of hurt and you don’t have to suffer through this alone. Read on to uncover what a self-love coach can do to help you rediscover your AuthenticMe.

What To Do If Someone Bombs You

If you suspect that your partner uses love bombing to manipulate and control you, here are a few things you can do to protect yourself:

Journal about your experiences and feelings – journaling can help you gain a better perspective on your relationship.
Surround yourself with positive people – friends and family can provide necessary validation and support.
Seek support – a therapist and/or coach can help you identify the love bombing cycle, set boundaries, and break free from narcissistic abuse.
Set firm and consistent boundaries.

Not every genuine expression of love and admiration is love bombing. However, if your intuition tells you something is off, follow that feeling to avoid being love-bombed by a narcissist.